3 Powerful Reasons Fear Of Success Can Lead To Financial Setbacks
#2 Guilt for surpassing your parents’ financial situation
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us.” Marianne Williamson
What is success?
According to Merriam-Webster’s definition, success is ‘getting or achieving wealth, respect, or fame’, closely followed by a second meaning: ‘the correct or desired result of an attempt.’ Broadly, success is that sense of satisfaction you get whilst doing something you love, sticking with what matters through challenging times or living a life you feel proud of.
We attribute success to different interpretations based on our childhood background, life experiences, core beliefs, and values. The scale on which we measure success is different for everyone. For some, it might be social status, for others wealth, or spirituality. Point-blank, we all have goals we want to achieve. Goals we think will make us successful. According to Leon F Seltzer Ph.D., ‘while ideals are subjective, a chosen and fulfilling lifestyle can be considered a success.’
The problem is, on our path there, some of us experience a psychological phenomenon called achievemephobia. Or more widely known as fear of success. It negatively impacts life satisfaction in terms of self-efficacity. Even if deep down, there is that ardent desire to succeed, many of us feel we don’t actually deserve it (impostor syndrome), or perhaps are afraid we might lose our friends. Others might think success will change them. There is also a fear of backlash. There are multiple reasons why we are afraid of becoming successful. Point-blank, we have a tendency to self-sabotage on our way to success.
Has it happened to you? If so, you’re reading the right article.
You had a goal in mind, you made a vision board (or not), you hyped yourself up, took the first step, and then suddenly, you did something that slowed down or even stopped the whole process. You quit right on the verge of succeeding, or you procrastinated until it was too late. You blamed it on laziness or lack of motivation. You made up various reasons and excuses. Even though deep down you knew that’s what they were. Excuses.
When it comes to financial success, things are no different. Financial literacy is not being taught in schools, unfortunately. According to Prudy Gourguechon in Insights into the psychology underlying critical choices in business:
“It’s worth thinking about money as something with which you have a complex relationship. Your money (and more broadly your personal finances) is not a fixed entity, but rather a complex of data points, challenges, and opportunities you circle around, interact with, and have feelings about.”
Our relationship with money is again, conditioned by many factors. Many of us have not been born with a silver spoon in their mouth. We might even have had to witness our parents going through financial struggles. Some of us have unconsciously adopted the relationship our parents had with money.
The main thing about being able to overcome the fear of financial success is to identify the root. Where exactly does it come from? Throughout your life, can you identify behaviors and patterns of thinking that worked against you? How did your parents or caregivers manage their finances?
You can start with the most recent setback you experienced and work your way backward from there. Are you struggling to find a higher-paid job? Are you self-sabotaging when it comes to promotions or starting your own business? Chances are you will trace your fear of success back to a moment in your early life.
Here are the three most important reasons that are at the core of this fear and practical ways to overcome it:
- Associating fear with excitement
Both fear and excitement feel very similar in our bodies. Think about two separate moments in your life, one in which you experienced anxiety and the other one when you experienced excitement. How did you feel? I would take a guess and say your heart accelerated, your stomach contracted, your thinking became fuzzy and your mouth got dry.
Your nervous system became activated. Because your body cannot tell the difference whether the situation you are experiencing it’s pleasant or not, it automatically makes associations with previous intense occurrences in your life. And if those were mostly unpleasant ones, the fight or flight mode goes off.
According to Zuckerman Institute, ‘the hippocampus, a brain region critical for memory, builds bridges across time, by firing off bursts of activity that seem random, but in fact make up a complex pattern that, over time, help the brain learn associations.’
This used to happen to me a lot. Whenever I got excited, my brain thought I was anxious. And then I would subconsciously self-sabotage. For instance, earlier this year I got into a good training program which made me tremendously excited. I could have learned new skills and gotten a certification which would have allowed me to earn more money. I had to submit some documents by 4 o’clock in the afternoon in order to be fully enrolled. Or so I thought. It turned out the deadline was actually by 3 o’clock. And despite reading the email twice previously, I could have sworn the hour was 3 and not 4. And because I missed the deadline, I didn’t get in. At that time, I couldn’t understand what had just happened but in hindsight, it all made sense. Although I experienced excitement, my brain got in the way since it meant getting out of my comfort zone. Which subconsciously I associated with anxiety.
What to do:
If you struggle with anxiety and self-sabotaging behavior, the best thing to do is becoming aware of it. Thats’ the first step. Look back and try to identify similar patterns in your past. See how exactly you acted and how it impacted you. Was it a missed opportunity like in my case? Perhaps you had to give a speech that didn’t turn out so well?
“Adopt an opportunity mindset as opposed to a threat mindset.” Alison Wood Brooks
Break the pattern using cognitive reframing. See your anxiety as excitement in disguise. Research has shown that we can actually reappraise anxiety as excitement. Next time an opportunity knocks on your door, flip the switch by saying out loud: I’m excited! The more you practice it, the more natural will become. And thus, you will rewire your brain into becoming your ally.
2. Guilt over surpassing your parents’ financial situation
“Negative emotions like loneliness, envy, and guilt have an important role to play in a happy life; they’re big, flashing signs that something needs to change.” Gretchen Rubin
An American Psychological Association survey reveals 91% of children say they know when their parents are experiencing stress. Financial burdens can be felt by children, even if parents don’t verbalize them.
I come from a middle-class family of baby boomers born in an ex-communist country. My parents had the same jobs throughout their whole life. Although my financial needs have always been met, I grew up with sayings such as ‘money doesn’t grow on trees. Or ‘the rich get richer and the poor get poorer.’ Another common one was ‘most rich people probably did something bad or dishonest to get their money .
I internalized these truisms and developed limiting beliefs regarding money. I didn’t want to work a 9–5 job but at the same time, the thought of going freelancer terrified me. Because I had this belief that money has to come from a monthly ‘stable’ source of income. Which was a huge deception.
Unfortunately, I had to find that out the hard way, after losing my job earlier this year. I had to do a lot of inner work to shift my mindset. During one of my therapy sessions, it dawned on me: I felt guilt that by earning more money, I wouldn’t be able to relate with my parents any longer. Guilt that they sacrificed so much for me and they didn’t get the chance to enjoy their lives. So why should I? Guilt for doing something they have only dreamt of. For not sharing their beliefs anymore.
What to do:
Identify your parents’ money beliefs and differentiate them from yours. Write them down in two separate columns. It’s important to see which money-related thoughts are yours and which have been passed on to you. Realize that earning more than your parents and stepping into a new, unfamiliar world for you is not a bad thing. Yes, it can be scary at first because it’s unfamiliar.
Overcoming guilt is a process. You have to understand that your parents made their own decisions regarding their lives. You are not responsible for the decisions they took regarding money. Talking to someone can be very therapeutic. If guilt isn’t addressed, it’s unlikely to go away for good. Don’t allow it to cause you any more distress.
3. Success might alienate your peers
“The sad truth is that when you have friends that perhaps don’t have as well-paid a job or as wealthy a family, it can cause tensions amongst friends, and in some extreme cases, even lead to the loss of a friend.” Nigel Birrell
When you start making more money, people can start feeling envious or self-conscious. It has happened to me before. I invited a friend out and I offered to pay for the meal. I wanted to make a nice gesture but instead, my friend felt offended. It was right after I started making more money than her. And she knew it. At first, I was quite saddened because she wasn’t the only one in my circle of friends to change her attitude towards me. After giving it some thought, I realized that perhaps it was time for me to find better people to surround myself with.
Another thing that helped me on my journey was finding like-minded people. I started attending seminars and masterclasses on improving my financial situation and overall mindset. Finding people who are on the same path as me was very motivational. It showed me that it can be done. Just being in their (online) presence made me feel empowered.
What to do:
If you feel like you might lose a friendship because of financial gains, you should reconsider those whom you call friends. A friend shouldn’t be someone who holds you back, but one who cheers you up at any time. I know it’s easier said than done, but letting go of these people is necessary if you want to progress ay further. Being surrounded by people who don’t feel good about your success says more about them than it does about you. Don’t let them hold you back from achieving your goals.
According to psychologist Annie Gaisie, mindset is contagious. Therefore, is very important to surround yourself with those who are on a similar path as you. Be discerning of whom you keep in your life. If you feel you have to minimize your successes and make yourself small in their presence, then that’s a red flag right there.
Takeaways
- When opportunity knocks at your door, and you start feeling anxious, flip the switch. Start seeing fear as excitement and go for it!
- If you start experiencing guilt for making more money than your parents did, that’s a sign you need to work through it. Remember, your parents made their own decisions and now it’s time for you to make yours.
- Be discerning of friends or family members who don’t celebrate your successes. This might be a sign you should reconsider your relationships.
Thank you for reading!
