3 Simple Ways to End That Pointless Argument
Preserve your sanity, your relationships, and your energy
How often do you find yourself stuck in a meaningless debate, disagreeing with someone over something that doesn’t matter? Or maybe it does matter, and you just can’t make any headway.
Wouldn’t you love to put a stop to the conflict and get what you need?
The good news is that most of the time you can.
Why We Argue So Much
Arguments are seldom about what is. Most are the result of (1) misunderstandings or (2) conflicting values and beliefs.
Most misunderstandings are fairly easy to clear up — unless, of course, the other person has a hidden agenda or a pattern of assuming the worst. Or they feel hurt or angry with you, and those emotions are affecting their perceptions.
Conflicting values and beliefs may not be as obvious. Angry people seldom yell things like, “Why are your values so different than mine?” or “Why can’t you just believe what I believe?”
When two people believe different things, they may both think the facts are on their side. But in the age of fake news, can you really be sure of your facts? And even then, is that what it’s about?
Of course not. Two people with access to the same information can come to completely different conclusions. It’s all in the interpretation — which takes us back to our beliefs and values.
How many times have you exchanged “facts” with someone when you were really arguing about right and wrong, how life is, or even human nature?
Of course, understanding what’s behind a pointless argument doesn’t make it go away. But we can use that knowledge to come up with some strategies. Here are three that work for me.
Strategy #1: Let go of the need to be right.
Let’s face it: we all want to be right. And we’ve all come across people who insist that they are, even when the evidence is clearly against them. You can’t reason with unreasonable people — and the sooner you accept that, the better.
But sometimes we’re the problem. We’re so convinced of our own perspective that we focus on defending “the truth” above everything else. We know we’re right. But for some reason (spoiler alert: it’s called the ego) we want validation. We need to prove we’re right.
And that’s a shame. Because when you replace the need to be right with respect and curiosity, things can finally get interesting.
Arguments are seldom about what is.
When you’re curious, you can ask people why they believe something, even if it seems crazy to you. Especially if it seems crazy to you.
And if you can suspend your judgment for a few minutes, you just might learn something.
Maybe you’ll discover another way of looking at things. Maybe you’ll find out how different someone’s values are from your own. Or maybe when you’re able to name their bias, you suddenly get a glimpse of your own.
You can learn a lot about people (and even yourself) by asking the right questions. If the other person is willing to answer them honestly, it shouldn’t take long to find the source of your disagreement.
Misunderstandings will sort themselves out, almost magically. Differences in values and beliefs will be revealed. And once they are, you’ll understand why you see things so differently.
All that’s left is to agree to disagree. Respect each others’ perspectives and move on.
Strategy #2: Know when (and how) to stop.
It sounds a bit like drinking, doesn’t it? Well, arguing is almost as addictive. Once you get started, it can be hard to stop.
You know it’s time to end a conversation when you realize one of these things:
1. Only one person is truly engaged. It takes two to make a good debate. If you’re talking to a brick wall (or acting like one yourself), nothing good can happen.
2. The discussion isn’t going anywhere. No one’s gaining a new perspective or expressing anything meaningful.
3. The conversation has taken a toxic turn. If either one of you is choosing ego over curiosity and respect, things will only get worse.
4. No matter who’s right, it simply doesn’t matter. Have we created climate change, or is it simply part of a cosmic cycle? Sure, it can be good to ponder these issues. And it can be interesting to learn why someone you respect sees things differently. But unless answering that question will make the world a better place, it’s not worth fighting over.
That’s the “when”. The “how” is pretty simple. Once you realize it’s time to stop fighting, agree to disagree — or at least take a break. And if this isn’t something you need to resolve, put it behind you.
Strategy #3: Turn it into an opportunity.
Putting it behind you isn’t always the best approach — especially when something matters.
Let’s say your boss has just refused the time off you need for your best friend’s wedding. Instead of trying to change her mind (or go over her head), you could start asking questions.
You’ll need to let go of getting what you want long enough to find out what your boss wants, needs, or believes. Then — and only then — you can see if there’s a way to meet everyone’s needs.
Problem-solving beats arguing every time.
Keeping It Conscious
Every conflict that turns ugly presents you with a choice. You can protect your sanity, your relationships, and your energy… or you can defend your position to the death.
It pays to make that a conscious choice. Now that I’ve told you how I do that, I’d love to hear your thoughts. How do you avoid unnecessary conflict? I invite you to share what works for you in the comments.
