3 Steps to Own Your Overwhelm to Find More Joy
Emotions are normal, neuroscience tells us letting them rule your life is the problem
“The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.” — William James, “Father of American psychology”
There is no bad or wrong emotion, we are wired to experience the full spectrum. It’s our big powerful brain that labels emotions one way or another in response to our mindset, past experiences, and upbringing.
With that said, what we do with those emotions is another story.
The sad fact is, that we are rarely taught how to feel them well, process them fully, and listen to their nudges, toward self-care.
When we become overwhelmed with emotions, it can lead to reactivity, unkind words, or destructive behavior. Of course, this is counterproductive to living our best lives.
Believe me, I know.
I have ruptured many relationships and wounded those I love most, more often than I care to admit. 😔 And because of this, self-forgiveness has been a regular practice over the years (another piece to explore another day).
But here is the beautiful truth, stress, challenge, and bumping into these uncomfortable messy places is how we grow and do better (it’s called resilience). Sadly, there really isn’t any other way.
We can take in knowledge, advice, and stories from others, but wisdom to live differently is an inside job that must be experienced.
Fully tapping into your inner layers is more complex than a simple 3-step process, but this is a foundational place to start… or re-start.
Step 1: Recognize Emotions Have Purpose
Emotions are guides that lead us toward healing and the next right thing. This can be an extreme mindset shift because behaviors linked with emotions in ourselves and others can be anywhere from mildly uncomfortable to downright scary.
Think about it. The emotion itself is information.
Sadness is a way to spur us to seek support from a friend. Grief is a way of navigating the healing process of loss. Happiness is a blissful way of enjoying the goodness of life.
Trouble strikes when we ignore, avoid, or deem something inconvenient. KJ Ramsey, author, and trauma-informed counselor says,
“Our emotions aren’t failures, they are cues for connection.”
Connection with ourselves, connection with others, connection to what is going to serve our bodies, our hearts, and our minds well.
Step 2: Decide to Become the Boss of Your Brain
Psychology professor Kimberly Quinn Ph.D.’s article on Psychology Today defines Become the Boss of Your Brain:
“to take charge, much like a good parent redirects the behavior of a toddler. The brain is lazy and wants to do what is easy and familiar. Therefore, it takes commitment and effort for any lasting changes to take place.”
Becoming the boss of your brain is possible. However, being stuck in a flurry of stress can make it feel impossible.
Stress is a big topic, but simply put, stress is only stress if you perceive something as a threat. Usually, this is feeling like something you care about is in danger — a relationship, your well-being, your livelihood.
However, if you aren’t consciously aware of why you think something is a threat, it just becomes a never-ending, unconscious loop of living frazzled body, mind, and heart.
How do we stop the looping? See Step 3
Step 3: Calm Your Mind Through Your Body
Thinking your way into a calm state rarely works, and even less so if you are in an overwhelmed place of flight-fight-freeze-fawn.
It goes something like this:
Me to myself: Jen, calm the 🤬 down!!
My stressed-out system: “I can’t hear a word you are saying, I am too mad!”
Neuroscience has discovered the best way to calm the mind and access your nervous system is via your body.
In psychology, there are two broad approaches of attending to our inner emotional state: top-down or bottom-up. The top-down utilizes thinking, talking, or cognitive strategies. Bottom-up accesses our brain through our bodies, such as with mindful movements like yoga and conscious breathing.
Bessel van der Kolk, in The Body, Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma explains that:
“Neuroscience research shows that the only way we can change the way we feel is by becoming aware of our inner experience and learning to befriend what is going inside ourselves.”
Lengthening your exhales is the fastest way to calm the mind and soothe the nervous system so you can actually see the true purpose of your emotions.
The slower you breathe, the quieter the mind will become.
Try it
Take a long, full inhale through your nose and exhale out your nose two to three beats longer than your inhale. No forcing, keep it easy and relaxed. Take 3 or more (but no less than 3), pause, and notice the effects.
Does your brain feel less “tight?” or perhaps did your belly soften?
A long out-breath ignites sensors in your lungs that activate your vagus nerve, telling your brain it is okay to be calm. If you have time to slow down and take a few full breaths, your system gets the message the “stress” is over and your whole being can relax.
It’s in this relaxed place you can begin to choose one thought over another to rewire your relationship to stress, as William James said, and “choose one thought over another”.
Also read: Your Past Shapes Your Present
With a willing heart and a hefty dose of active effort, the more attuned you become to yourself through your body, the more clarity you find in your responses to life and the purpose of your emotions.
This is empowerment to own your overwhelm.
It’s not easy, but the freedom outweighs the effort 1000-fold.
