3 Things That Matter in Relationships
Contrary to what social media tells us.
Leaving aside the obvious affection, trust and honest communication…
1. Appearances matter
You know the popular statement that we should be loved for who we are, not for our looks? Nonsense.
When I say ‘looks’ I mean much more than just the body shape and a handsome face.
We live in a physical universe with physical interactions. We are surrounded by people who are influenced by certain social biases and assumptions based on appearances.
Many people invest in material things but forget to invest in their appearance. Yet, our appearance is the first thing other people see, evaluate and decide how they want to relate to us.
What, or rather who, do other people see?
Appearances are about the way we present ourselves to this world.
How we walk, talk, the emotional flavor we leave behind, our personal style and personal charm.
Appearances are about our image. Our image conveys our lifestyle and our personal values. Our image conveys our personality. Of course, appearances matter.
Once I was on a formal job interview panel where I spent 5 minutes listening, in disbelief, how my fellow interviewers — both middle aged male managers — were discussing a job applicant’s white socks, in full seriousness. Why did the guy put on white socks with a black formal suit for an interview? Was that a sign of his creativity in a job? Or a sign of his rebellious eccentric nature? At that moment, I came to appreciate the existence of long boring formal interview checklists; otherwise, the ‘white socks’ enigma would have been put on the guy’s interview record. We ended up selecting the ‘white socks’ guy for the job. But I still remember that episode because it told me that appearances mattered.
Yes, appearances can be deceptive. And who said we live in an ideal world? Deciphering another person’s looks and not falling for looks only is part of building our emotional wisdom.
2. What we share matters
Social media creates an illusion that people are free to share anything — about their life, other people and just anything at all — and it will be fine. It won’t.
What we share with other people, including on social media, adds to our image.
I know that my potential employers, mentors, friends and dates check my social media profiles. Some are very upfront about it, and some do it secretly but do it anyway.
No apology required; if I put myself up on social media, this means I’m ready to share. But sharing each and every thought in my head and every detail of my personal life? Probably not. Even my family wouldn’t want to know.
I’ve probably been heavily affected by living in a very small country (New Zealand) for almost 20 years, where colleagues, friends, mentors and employers are very much the same people, from the same circle. If I share an exotic secret from my life with a friend on a private account, chances are my next client will find out, sooner or later.
Oversharing can definitely affect relationships, and not necessarily because oversharing will expose some dark secrets. Oversharing in romantic relationships drives down the element of surprise and the enthusiasm for discovery.
Oversharing in professional relationships may drive down respect and trust. After all, we all have biases and assumptions, employers have them, too. Finding out that my potential team members spend their weekends in an ‘adult only’ club or love walking naked around the house might be a bit too much information. Not to mention political opinions in the current unstable world which may seriously influence business relationships. I’ve seen Trump supporters (yes, in New Zealand) openly sharing their views with prospective clients who hate Donald Trump. Nothing good came out of it.
3. Timing matters
Do you know the saying that it’s never too late? Never too late for a change, never too late for a new start. All that silly positivity.
I’m all for change, taking initiative, showing courage and breaking out of my comfort zone. But I still think it can be too late to do certain things in life.
We live in a physical world, with a finite amount of time, and certain processes are physically impossible after a certain age or are not desirable anymore. Human interactions are about playing particular social roles at particular times. Get out of cycle, and it becomes too late.
The timeliness reality check can be quite brutal, especially when we fast approach middle age (whenever that is) and realize that it can be too late for some things.
Too late to start a grand corporate career at 50. Too late to start planning children after a certain age, at least for women. Too late to offer help when the problem has been solved. Too late to have an honest conversation with someone who lost trust. Too late to start building rapport with grown up kids.
Timing is everything in relationships, both personal and professional. One of the principles I once included in the engagement strategy I’ve written for a client — a government agency - had a principle ‘We’ll say and do the right things (with stakeholders) at the right time’. Engagement with stakeholders is all about the right timing, too. Everything is.
To sum it up, appearances, what we share with people, and doing the right thing at the right time do matter in relationships. In fact, these may be the only things that truly matter. That is, leaving aside affection, trust and honest communication.
