Why Do We Like the People We Like?
Behind the attraction
Attraction may be a tricky beast. You’re hot one minute, when subsequent it’s nothing but fumes.
How many times have you ever met someone who ticked all the boxes, only to seek out the sizzle factor to be nowhere in sight?
There are times your brain is saying, “No!” but your body screams (maybe even literally), “Yes! Yes! Yes!”
So, let’s break it down.
Some elements feed into whether or not we are saying, “ooh, la la” or “thank you, next,” around any prospective partner — and that they are all interrelated.
Here are the four fascinating reasons we’re interested in the people we’re interested in.
1. Evolution
Our mammalian heritage is predetermined to aim for survival, daily, and overall as a species. Albeit you do not want children, evolutionary strategies play a task in how your ferret might be an honest match.
People bring different resources — money, power, creativity, kindness — to the table, and what’s needed or attractive is subjective.
Anything which will give our real or never-happening-except-in-the-mind-of-Mama-Nature offspring a leg up within the world could become a trait we knowingly or unknowingly hunt down.
2. Physical and biological drives
This means hormones! Under the surface, we all have many hormonal scripts influencing our behavior at any given time.
Hormones affect how we smell to others, how we experience pleasure and our level of sexual “giddy-up.”
Chemicals within the brain make us feel good (dopamine), happy (serotonin), and head-over-heels (norepinephrine). They will induce bonding (oxytocin) and set the stage for our receptiveness to a partner.
Their levels also dramatically change once we get the feels or experience fear or intensity. Therefore the feedback circuit is often intoxicating.
3. Psychological factors
Our psychology plays an enormous role in what governs our arousal and attraction. Who has loved us in our youth? How they loved us shapes the way, we get turned on. Most importantly, who ignites our spark?
We often gravitate toward people like us or just like the people closest to us — sometimes in appearance and other times in personality.
If your mother was preoccupied with a sibling or sick relative, it is highly likely that you would incline to seek out people that are less emotionally available.
We hunt down what’s familiar or helps us resolve our unfinished psychological business. When opposites attract, it’s likely an unconscious move toward a partner who can do a number of your dirty work for you.
For example, if you’re more reserved, you’ll find it super sexy when a partner has no problem telling the waiter how the kitchen flubbed your dinner.
How we see ourselves is usually a benchmark of the interests we hold and who we attract. If your self-esteem is within the gutter, you’ll attach tons of weight to those who like you, and you’ll develop fantasies about yourself as a partner within these relationships.
These sorts of fantasies are different from sexual fantasies because they discount the truth of a partner in the commission of your own got to feel ok.
Some amount of “love is blind” is to be expected at the beginning of any new relationship, but living during a fantasy for too long could leave you vulnerable to psychodramas and toxic patterns.
4. Social reinforcers
Humans are social and relational creatures. We live our greatest lives once we are connected to others. In our various groups — family, friends, culture, profession, religion — there are generally ascribed values that the group maintains.
In seeking a partner, we frequently prioritize the traits that align with our values and leave us in good standing within our different groups.
That said, every group includes someone who bucks the norm, and a few may get off on connecting with people that are different from the established order.
There is no solitary explanation for why we are interested in specific people because there are numerous continually moving parts.
Remember this: we are all desired by someone.
Although standards of beauty and standing often dictate the cultural conversation about what’s hot, and comparison has become an Olympic sport, the range of what gets people excited — sexually and in relationships — is infinite.
People are drawn to all or any sorts of traits. So just be authentically you, and you’ll attract and be interested in people that compliment you well.
