4 Signs It’s Not Tough Love — You Are Just Being Abused
There is a thin line between tough love and emotional abuse. A line, when crossed, can destroy you from within.
Life’s journey is marked by relationships that shape us, challenge us, and sometimes, leave us questioning our own worth.
While genuine care and concern often manifest as “tough love,” it’s crucial to recognize when these boundaries are blurred, giving way to emotional abuse.
Storytime — I have a friend who thinks that her partner is supposed to give her tough love. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t love her enough to make her a better person.
I remember asking her one day, “Why does your boyfriend need to make you a better person? I mean, I understand him pointing out where you go wrong — but why should he mold you into another person?”
She answered proudly, “Because he loves me. And that’s what we do to people we love.”
As you would expect, my friend has never been in a healthy relationship. All of her exes wanted to change some part of her.
Sometimes, it would be her clothing choices. Other times, her makeup preferences.
One guy went as far as telling her that she couldn’t meet the male cousins anymore. When she did meet them anyway, he humiliated her publicly. According to her, it was fine at the moment — because her boyfriend expressed his “tough love.”
When the line between love and manipulation is crossed, the emotional aftermath can be debilitating. Tough love is never similar to emotional abuse — not even close. But how will you understand the difference between the two, when both of them wear the same mask?
Let me walk you through the top 3 signs that it is not tough love, you are just being emotionally abused.
1. You Are Being Blackmailed Emotionally
Imagine that you applied for your dream university abroad, in your dream country. You are over the moon because you just got the mail of your acceptance letter. Excitedly, you rush to your boyfriend to give him the good news.
Instead of congratulating you for your hard-earned success, he says, “Really? Is this all that our relationship was worth?”
Naturally, you are confused because you discussed with him how you wanted to go to your dream university. But suddenly, he declares that he won’t be a part of the long-distance relationship — and that you have to choose between him and your dreams.
Genuine tough love stems from a place of concern, aiming to guide and encourage personal growth. However, emotional abuse disguises itself as care while exploiting vulnerabilities.
Recognize the difference by assessing whether the actions or words of a loved one leave you feeling trapped, guilt-ridden, or coerced. Emotional blackmail often involves threats, ultimatums, or excessive blame that force you into decisions that compromise your well-being or values.
2. Constant Humiliation And Degradation
I want you to register one thing in your brain, and remember it forever — no one who loves you will belittle you publicly. Yes, they will tell you where you went wrong, but they will never humiliate you in front of a crowd.
People who degrade others in a crowd for something that could have been corrected privately usually means that they either crave attention or want to drag your image through the mud.
However, this does not include a public confrontation with bullies — you get the idea, right?
Constructive criticism is a part of life, but when it evolves into humiliation or degradation, it’s no longer tough love. Genuine concern motivates improvement; emotional abuse aims to break you down.
If your loved one constantly belittles you, mocks your dreams, or intentionally damages your self-esteem, it’s crucial to recognize that these actions are not driven by care but control.
3. Emotional Neglect And Isolation
Tough love may involve setting boundaries, but it respects your emotional needs and overall happiness.
Emotional abuse, on the other hand, uses isolation as a tool to control your thoughts and actions.
If you find yourself distanced from friends, family, and support systems due to a loved one’s demands, this could be a sign of emotional manipulation. Isolation often exacerbates feelings of helplessness, making it harder to discern the abusive dynamics.
4. Gaslighting
Say, you are upset because your boyfriend did not pick you up from the airport, as planned earlier. You were stuck there for 2 hours, waiting. When you come back home, you find him lying on the couch and watching a movie.
Naturally, you burst out of anger. But your boyfriend, instead of apologizing for forgetting to pick you up and ignoring your calls — blames it all on you. That you forgot to remind him (even though you did), and that none of it is his fault.
At the end of the fight, you end up thinking — was it really my fault? Should I be a better partner and communicate better?
A person who gaslights you throughout the course of a relationship will get you second-guessing your motives. It is common to feel helpless and vulnerable all the time in such situations, which is why you must distance yourself from people who never take accountability and somehow make everything your fault.
Again, not everyone who makes you second guess your intentions is a gaslighter. You must check out the frequency at which such situations occur, and how it ends up making you feel at the end of the day. If you constantly feel confused and helpless, it would be best to walk out from this supposed “tough love.”
How To Walk Out Of Emotional Abuse, Disguised As Tough Love?
Recognizing the signs of emotional abuse is the first step towards reclaiming your well-being.
It’s important to remember that acknowledging these signs doesn’t negate the love you might feel for the person responsible. In many cases, emotional abusers may themselves be trapped in cycles of learned behavior.
However, prioritizing your emotional health is not only a necessity but an act of courage.
Breaking free from the clutches of emotional abuse can be challenging, but remember that you’re not alone. Reach out to friends, family, or professionals who can provide the empathy, guidance, and understanding you deserve.
Healing takes time, but with the right support, you can regain your sense of self and create healthier relationships.
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