5 Reasons Why Establishing No Contact is Imperative
Your ex-lover is dead
Boy meets girl. They fall in love. The relationship was as toxic as the toxic waste in Chernobyl.
They thought love trumped all. Love was enough.
So they clung on, with bloodied hands gripping onto the rope that kept them together. A tug of war, till one’s blistered hands have to let go. The rope is still there, so he picks himself up, bruised and scarred, and grabs onto the rope again.
Why do we keep hurting ourselves over and over again trying to save a relationship that ultimately leads to a slow decay, buried 6 feet underground?
#1 People do not like the idea of sunk cost
We invest time into a relationship. From a 1 month long relationship, to even a 20 years one. As with investments, no one likes to have a negative PNL in their portfolio. This could be said for relationships too. Time is a valuable tool, perhaps even more valuable than money. So we trudge on, with blood-stained wounds all over us, holding onto some sort of hope that our investment will provide an inkling of a profit. What if we were to rid ourselves of this non-profitable share, with zero dividends year after year no less, could we perhaps be able to buy a couple of new ones?
For an analogy, why would we still hold on to airline shares at this point in time? Short it, despite the sunk cost. It’s gone, but you will be able to mitigate your losses. And you WILL stand up on your 2 feet, and start over again.
There is no quantifying love, but one needs to find acceptance in the notion of sunk cost. When it’s time to let go, you have got to be brave to walk away. Save yourself.
#2 Mistakes one make post breakup
What comes next after letting go? We hear the same old tales of “let’s be friends”, “we can still work things out, baby”.
This leads to a toxic cycle that both parties will never break away from.
Scenario 1) “Let’s stay friends”
- Let’s be real. In a break up, or in a relationship, it is never 50/50 when it comes to love. Staying friends is not optimal post breakup. Sure, a friendship is possible, but not in the immediate future. The wounds are fresh, and you will never be able to heal with him or her dangling around in your life still.
Scenario 2) “Let’s work things out, baby.”
- Yes, I’m looking at myself in the mirror. I begged and crawled, with my literal knees on the floor, not understanding the idea of sunk cost. I lost all dignity. I offered sex without commitments, I basically lost all dignity. In retrospect, as a women’s right activist, I am deeply ashamed.
Scenario 3) “Let’s have one last night of fun”
- Yeah, breakup sex is wild, but take it from me. Do not do it. Stop creating memories with them that will live on vividly (or vaguely — depending on how inebriated you are hah!). Walk away.
#3 Being alone is good for the soul to heal
You’ve just gone though something terribly traumatic. It may have had been an abusive relationship, or not. A love loss, hurts nonetheless, and I am not here to quantify how much hurt you’ve been through. There is no way in doing that.
Remove them from all social media. Stop checking up on them no matter how much you want to. It’s tough, but what if you were to see your ex dating again? It may be a rebound on their part, but does it matter to YOU? Are you going to spiral? Are you going to beg and crawl? Watching them fall in love with another is one of the most painful thing one can feel. It is not only soul crushing, but so heart wrenching that you’re able to feel it in your bones. The breathlessness and tears, is it worth it?
Block their email. Block their number. Block their Socials.
Do it, for your sanity. I promise you, it is worth it.
#4 Focus on your Self-Improvement
This is by no means a revenge notion. I want you to forget everything about them. This one’s for you. For the first time in your life. No, you are not working out at the gym because you want them to regret missing out on that hot girl/guy, and what could have been.
Once establishing no contact, focus on yourself. Pick up a new hobby. It was martial arts that saved my life. I was burnt out, but I never failed to show up at my gym after work to train and get that little bit of adrenaline rush and endorphins.
Hell, if you’re motivated enough, pick up a new skill that can be translated onto your trusted LinkedIn Profile. There’s Coursera, and many other available platforms to pick up a new skillset that might come in very handy in future.
My point is, work on yourself. Do things you never could have done when you were stuck in that relationship. I got a tattoo, which I never could have due to his family’s disdain for it — it’s been a year and I am still in love with mine.
#5 Moment of Weakness
It happens to the best of us. On a drunken night, or a lonesome night, we go back and forth on that send button for that email or text. Henceforth, I’ll bring you back to point 3, remove their number, remove their socials, remove everything that belongs to them. That plush toy that they gave to you? Bin it. Remove the photos from the frames, remove them from your gmail calendar.
What happens when you send a text?
- Scenario 1:
They do not respond. Where does that leave you? You’ll feel stupid, but it isn’t on you. We are humans after all. Burying our feelings is almost impossible.
- Scenario 2:
They respond. But it isn’t up to the expectations you have already set up in your head. You feel guilty for breaking no-contact. That is okay.
- Scenario 3:
The one I would avoid the most. Friends with benefits. Do not, I repeat, do not have sex with them in hopes to get back together. Sexual compatibility is not equivalent to romantic compatibility. You are either gonna feel used, or dirty, or perhaps neither — but it will be a terrible feeling the night after when morning comes.
I need to end this article saying this: most people start no contact with the hopes of getting their ex-partner to miss them, in hopes of rekindling the relationship.
“When there’s nothing left to burn
You have to set yourself on fire”
Do you want to set yourself on fire?
With Love, G.
