Speak Your Truth
5 Tips to Help People Pleasers Speak Up
It’s not uncommon to feel a sense of hesitation before expressing our thoughts and feelings, particularly in a situation where the risk of misunderstanding or conflict looms large. Many of us will do anything to avoid a conflict because our exposure to it in the past has been damaging.
My clients are often surprised to hear that I think of conflict as an “opportunity”. However, conflict (if done right) can lead to better understanding and connection.
The Invisible Pressure of Social Threat
The concept of “social threat” is rooted in the field of social and evolutionary psychology. It refers to the perceived threat to one’s social standing, acceptance, or inclusion within a group. It’s the fear that you might do something that will lead to rejection, ostracism, or disapproval by your peers or society at large.
This fear can be traced back to our evolutionary past. Being ostracized from the group could have meant reduced access to shared resources, protection, and mating opportunities. Thus, we developed a heightened sensitivity to potential social threats. Today, as humans, we still depend on group cohesion and acceptance for survival.
This concept also intersects with the idea of “social pain,” which is the psychological pain experienced as a result of social rejection or loss.
Research has found that social pain activates similar brain regions that are involved with physical pain, underscoring how powerful and real these social threats feel to us.
For people pleasers, this can be paralyzing and prevent individuals from expressing their true thoughts and needs.
Actionable Tips:
Step 1: Building Bridges, Not Walls
Reframing your intention can make you feel better about speaking up. Speaking up with the intention of building connections drastically reduces the chances of a damaging conflict. It’s a proactive approach that seeks to preempt misunderstandings by addressing them head-on with clarity and compassion. When we speak our truth, we are not just advocating for ourselves; we are extending an invitation for others to engage, understand, and connect on a more meaningful level.
Step 2: Using “I Feel” and “I Need”
Embracing vulnerability through phrases like “I feel” and “I need” can transform our interactions. These simple yet powerful starters do wonders in owning our emotions and articulating our needs without laying blame. By saying “I feel,” we’re not just sharing a perspective; we’re inviting others into our world. And when we express what we “need,” we’re not being demanding; we’re clarifying what’s essential for our well-being. Asserting ourselves through “I feel” and “I need” fosters an atmosphere where understanding is the goal, not just being heard and it’s less likely the recipient will feel hurt or get defensive.
Step 3. Practice in a Safe Place
Begin by identifying a safe space or a supportive person you feel comfortable with. Practice expressing your thoughts and feelings using “I feel” and “I need” statements. This could be through role-playing scenarios where you’ve previously remained silent. The aim is to build confidence in a low-stress environment before taking these skills into more challenging situations. Or start with a stranger, think of examples like telling a waiter your food is not done the way you like it.
Step 4: Set Daily Intentions to Honor Your Feelings
Each morning, set a simple intention or affirmation for the day. For example, “Today, I will honor my feelings and express them honestly.” Keep this intention in the forefront of your mind as you navigate the day’s conversations, and use it as a touchstone to guide your interactions.
Step 5: Create a ‘Boundary Blueprint’ for Tough Situations
Reflect on past experiences where you didn’t speak up. Write down what you wish you had said. Use this reflection to create a ‘Boundary Blueprint’ — a plan that outlines how you will communicate your needs and limits in the future. Refer to this blueprint before entering situations where you might typically struggle to assert yourself.
Recognize the benefits you believe you’re getting from people-pleasing, such as approval or peace. Then, weigh these against the costs, like suppressed feelings or lost opportunities for genuine connection. This can help you balance your approach to pleasing others with honoring yourself. The next time you feel the urge to hold back, take a breath, and remember: speaking your truth is not just good for you; it’s essential for us all.
For more actionable tips, reflection questions, and further reading, get my FREE report!
