5 Unexpected Things I’ve Learned from Being Single for 5 Years
And this is the year it all finally changes. Probably. Maybe.
My last relationship ended at the end of 2018. About five and a half years ago.
When I had the idea of writing this, I did the math and shocked myself. I didn’t realize it had been so long. Where did the time go? Sure some of it can be attributed to the quarantine years, but even so. It is quite a long time to be single.
The silver lining is I have learned some things in my time alone. And while there may be some cliches that some might already know, there are also some nuggets that are not immediately apparent.
They surprised me at least.
1. Complaining about it gets you nowhere
I have always been one of those guys who would complain about dating.
Dating is so hard.
It’s harder to meet people in your 30's.
I go on so many first dates and they’re almost all boring.
The list goes on and on. I would just whine and moan about how much dating sucked, which would lead to me not dating at all and instead becoming a complaint machine.
But here’s the big secret.
Everybody already knows that dating sucks, but everybody still does it anyways.
While I was out there complaining about how hard dating is, all my friends were actually putting in the work. They were going on the dates. Meeting people. Making the best of it despite repeatedly failing.
And now most of them are in relationships, married, and even having kids. They put in the effort despite dating being awful.
I saw myself as this guru who brought wisdom to all, preaching to all about how hard dating was. But the reality was, everybody else already knew dating was hard and I was preaching to the choir.
Don’t think that ‘dating being hard’ is an excuse not to try. Because everybody else agrees with this and they are gonna keep doing it anyways.
2. Parents feel the pressure more than you do
My parents never really cared about my dating life. Until they did. And all of a sudden I am inundated with questions about why I am single, set-ups with their friends’ daughters, and reminders that they are getting old.
I am not sure what the main factor is but I think it boils down to either one of two things.
One possibility is because they are feeling their age, and want a grandchild sooner rather than later. In fact, this is not only a possibility but a for sure. My dad even told me recently that if I’m not gonna get married that I better knock a girl up.
Another might be because they are embarrassed that their son is still single in his thirties. That they do not like talking to their friends about it. That it makes them feel like failures or that they did something wrong. Which is a little silly, but I understand where they are coming from.
I guess the last possibility is that they just want me to be happy.
Either way, they definitely want me to be in a relationship sooner rather than later. I would argue they want it more than me.
And if that sounds crazy, don’t even get me started about Grandma.
Grandma told me that I can straight up get a divorce if I want to, I just have to get married.
Yup, Grandma straight up does not care anymore.
3. Finding someone is an active effort, not passive. Time will fly by if you let it
And wow, did I let the time fly by. And I made all the excuses. Not just ‘dating is hard’ but all the other cliches as well.
I have to focus on my career.
I have so much going on right now.
I need to concentrate on me.
I don’t have the time.
If a guy has said it in the first act of a romcom, so have I.
It is so easy to get used to being single, and it is so easy to get caught up in the routines of life. But by doing this, it is also so easy to miss out on what many would consider the best part of life.
I was under the belief that if it is meant to be, it will happen. As if some gorgeous, smart, perfect girl would magically fall into my lap. That I would be standing in line at the post office and she would smile at me, and six months later we would be married.
But it is not that easy. Finding a partner is hard. Finding a partner is effort.
Finding a partner is making a profile for whatever dumb app is currently popular. Finding a partner is going out and meeting girls. Putting yourself out there. Being brave even if she is obviously out of your league.
When hanging out with friends at a bar, shyness is not an option. Gotta get out and talk to a stranger. Talk her up, make her laugh, get rejected. It doesn’t matter if it is supposed to be a boy’s night. Every hang will become boy’s night if you let it. Turn boy’s night into something extra.
Because meeting a girl at a coffee shop is not going to happen magically. It’s going to happen because you put in the effort and go talk to her. And not just talk to her but ask her for her number.
4. Society pulls you in both directions
There are two camps of people who will try to help.
There is a group of well-meaning people who will say that society shouldn’t dictate what age is right for a relationship or marriage. That everybody is on their own path, and not to stress about when it will happen. Because it will happen when it happens and it will happen when it is right.
There is another group of well-meaning people who will tell you to get off your ass and get to work. They talk about how things are not going to get any easier as time passes, and if not now than when? Find a girlfriend now. What are you waiting for.
Both groups are equally well-meaning, wanting to help and give me the advice that they believe will help me.
They are both delightful or obnoxious depending on what mood I am in or what advice I need at that moment.
Because there are times when I really relate to the idea that society is putting these fake rules up that says people should be married by this or that age, and that it is all bullshit. And there are other times where I really do feel like I am wasting time by not trying hard enough.
Take whichever side is better for you. Or if you are like me, switch back and forth depending on the day.
5. I will very much miss having the amount of free time I have when I finally get back in a relationship.
Most of what I have written is about the troubles of being single. How hard it is, how to combat it.
But I am not so ignorant to know that there are benefits to being single as well. The main one being my time.
I value my time so much, I love being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want. And I am not doing anything so crazy. I am not deciding to travel to Antarctica and booking a flight the same day. Most of my time is spent studying or learning or creating something, alone in my room. It is time that I love and enjoy and will sorely miss.
Not to say I am imagining a wicked controlling woman who will not allow me to do the things I value with my time. But a relationship does take time and work. It takes effort; because without effort, becoming single again is right around the corner.
The only hope is that when I finally do meet her, giving up these other things will not feel like a sacrifice at all. I will be happy to spend as much time with her as I can.
