6 Habits That Are Making You A Victim of Needless Suffering
Plus 6 Strategies to Overcome it.
As the Buddha astutely observed, “Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much as your own unguarded thoughts.” The Buddha must have been aware of how easily our minds can create suffering by dwelling on the negative.
The truth is a lot of us are sleepwalking through life totally unaware of how we are creating our own suffering.
Here are 6 Habits we need to quit to avoid unnecessary suffering —
1. “Spinning” a Narrative
Ever thought about why the media spin a story instead of showing it just the way it is?
They do it to serve their political goals. Well, we are doing the same even though it doesn’t serve us at all.
The starting point is the painful situation itself. We look at it and tell ourselves that it isn’t fair, or that it shouldn’t be happening. Instead of accepting the situation, we resist it. And then we create all kinds of stories on top of it and add layers of meaning based on our past experiences or future fears.
It is we who tell ourselves that a breakup will ruin the rest of our lives, or that no one loves us, or that there is no way out of our problems.
This is “suffering” that we create in our own mind even though it feels quite real.
By being more aware of our thoughts and feelings and gently stopping ourselves when we catch ourselves spinning a story, we can begin to liberate ourselves from this habitual tendency. We need to accept painful situations without labelling them mentally.
According to research, people with chronic pain may be able to improve their quality of life if they learn to live with pain as well as they can instead of resisting it, a concept referred to as pain acceptance.
“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”
― Lao Tzu
2. Looking at Someone Else’s Watch
I remember 22-year-old-me opening Instagram, mindlessly scrolling or looking at people’s profiles. They smiled as if their life is a perfect reflection of their dreams. They’ve been talented since childhood, built multiple streams of income, have movie star bodies and have travelled to lots of places.
I sat down at my desk, staring at my computer screen, convinced that my own achievements count for nothing. Everyone is doing a better job at life than I am, I thought. This internal dialogue is a cause of needless suffering.
According to Dr Olivia Remes, Cambridge University mental health researcher, “When we’re comparing our true reality to other people’s rosy, Instagrammable lives, our own shortcomings begin to stand out. This can make you feel dissatisfied about your own life, inferior and depressed.”
I have now realised that “we all have different experiences, circumstances, setbacks and opportunities. We are learning at our own pace and we learn different lessons at different stages of our journey.”
So the next time you go scrolling remind yourself to embrace your own pace and journey.
“Don’t compare yourself to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.”
— Regina Brett
3. Playing the Victim Card
Nobody really chooses to be a victim. So what causes people to have a victim mentality?
Vicki Botnick, a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) in Tarzana, California, explains: “People identify with a victim role when they veer into the belief that everyone else caused their misery and nothing they do will ever make a difference.” This mindset makes them disempowered, helpless and is a source of suffering.
“It’s important to be mindful of the difference between ‘unwilling’ and ‘unable,” says Botnick. She explains that people who have a “victim mindset” do consciously try to shift blame.
People fall into this blame game because it works. It becomes a strategy to deal with their negative emotions. It’s an excuse to stay safe in your comfort zone and not take responsibility for life. They don’t like to feel bad so they distract themselves by placing faults on others.
Instead of looking to place fault, take responsibility for your actions and choices. Taking responsibility gets you out of the “victim mindset” & empowers you to change the situation.
“Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.”
— John Gardner
4. Catastrophizing About Future
As I reflect back I can recall instances of worrying about something bad happening that never really happened. For example- I gave a presentation and didn’t receive any feedback. Did my manager not like it? Did one of my jokes offend people? Will I get “fired”?
Can you identify with any experience like this where you run through countless hypothetical future scenarios?
Samantha Gambino, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist claimed that people worry about the future because worry gives an illusion of certainty. They trick themselves into thinking they can eliminate uncertainty — by worrying about it constantly!
“Humans like to be in control,” she tells us. “Your brain does not like unknowns and tries to predict what will happen in the future. Your brain wants to plan so you can feel safe and be prepared.”
Dr Gambino explains a little bit of worry “allows us to be aware of what is happening and brainstorm how to be prepared or possible courses of action.” We need to accept life is inherently uncertain. All we can do is think productively about what we can do now to reduce uncertainty. This way we are preparing ourselves better to face the future.
“There is nothing so wretched or foolish as to anticipate misfortunes. What madness it is in your expecting evil before it arrives!”
— Seneca
5. Ruminating on the Past
It is natural to feel guilt and regret for our past mistakes. But replaying scenes from the past and dwelling on it will only create suffering for us. We all know that no amount of rumination or analysis of our past will change what happened.
But then why do we get stuck ruminating endlessly on past mistakes and failures?
“The mind will seek out an answer or a sense of meaning in any experience. People assume that if they think through an issue, they’ll better understand it and resolve it.” explains Canadian psychotherapist Ali-John Chaudhary.
We are unable to “turn off” thoughts running through our minds. “Maybe things weren’t so bad,” Or, “I have wasted my life.” Or, “I am a bad person. I don’t deserve anything.”
“In rumination, we continue to obsess over the negative without working toward a resolution or way forward,” says Tanya J. Peterson, a mental health educator in Eugene, Oregon.
Peterson explains that grounding yourself in the here and now may help to “turn off” negative thoughts. It might not come naturally to you but whenever you catch yourself ruminating, try to come back to the present moment. So let go of the past & do something useful, right now, no matter how small it is.
“We do not heal the past by dwelling there; we heal the past by living fully in the present. ”
— Marianne Williamson
6. Maintaining Unrealistic Expectations of People
Your friend hurls an insult or says something hurtful to you. You think to yourself, “I was so nice to her. How could she be so rude to me? She should apologise to me. She should…”
Now you craft stories in your head about what she should do. And when she inevitably fails to live up to your sky-high hopes, you feel frustrated and disappointed.
And you obviously don’t think your expectations are unrealistic. You probably see your expectations of others as a natural thing: Just because you were nice to her…
The truth is, by trying to control or change other people’s habits or behaviour you are creating suffering.
See it this way, parents always want the best for their children. And it pains them to see you not doing good in life. Yet when you feel their attempts to control you, you feel pressurised & resent it. Instead, you expect them to just be present for the person you are.
According to William James, the philosopher, and founder of functional psychology, a simple way to find happiness lies in the fact of minimizing our expectations.
He was swimming in a sea of other people’s expectations. Men had drowned in seas like that.
― Robert Jordan
Hopefully, you’re now aware of your own capacity to create happiness or suffering. Being mindful and noticing your thoughts and feelings from a place of detachment is critical for your mental health.
“Do not lose yourself in the past. Do not lose yourself in the future. Do not get caught in your anger, worries, or fears. Come back to the present moment, and touch life deeply. This is mindfulness.”
―Thich Nhat Hanh
