6 Ways to Stay Calm & Cool with Difficult People
There’s more to it than just growing a thicker skin.
Regardless of the challenges we face, we all carry our own emotional baggage.
Years ago in Hong Kong, mine was triggered in an embarrassing way by a provocative co-worker, a ball-busting little person who had his own set of issues.
Unless you want to be considered a reactive fool, work on improving your self-control in the following ways:
- Build mindfulness. Make meditation a daily habit, even for just 10 minutes. Learn and make use of the 4–7–8 breathing technique. I practice on my daily walks. It really works. You can control your reactions and thoughts — no matter what stressors you face.
- Deepen self-awareness. Journaling, personality testing, participating in 360 evals, deep talks with friends, and individual and group therapy are all excellent ways to understand yourself better. Identifying the sources and triggers of your insecurities can reduce reactivity. Equally important is knowing your style of processing feelings in tough moments. Do you suppress? Do you ruminate? Determine if you default to either one and learn healthier approaches.
- Develop empathy. Invite growth by first acknowledging that expanding empathy is possible. Then start trying to imagine others’ perspectives and read their emotions. Exposing yourself to differences in people and cultures, while being fully present, provides broader contexts in which to practice. Watching films or plays whose characters are different from yourself, and especially reading character-driven fiction, can cultivate compassion.
- Listen actively. Asking thoughtful, open-ended questions can help you grasp another’s point of view. Relaxing your face and nodding will encourage them to open up. You don’t have to agree with their opinion, but sincere curiosity about what helped form that opinion can promote understanding and ease tension.
- Find mutual understanding. A shared sense of identity leads to a stronger connection. That’s why it’s key to find commonality even if there doesn’t appear to be any. People are complex. Despite someone seeming very different, identify a similarity and work from there.
- Rise above. The Chinese have a saying: “If the dog bites you, don’t get on the ground and bite the dog.” See anyone who insults or unfairly blames as lacking in character — at least on that day or in that moment — and don’t take the bait. You can learn to handle them in a calm, logical, assertive way.
There’s a lot to process here, I sure as hell know. Keep in mind we’re all works in progress.
Even at 76, I’m still evolving. After all, what’s the alternative?
But I’m a much cooler cucumber than I was 10, 20, or 30 years ago. And it shows. My doctor marvels at my healthy blood pressure, which I maintain without the help of meds.
Listen, work on yourself in the ways I’ve described here. You’ll see a difference within weeks, if not sooner. Keep it up and your life will become nearly drama-free as the years unfold. And that’s super-important for your well-being in general.
Trust me on this one, folks.
