7 Questions Every Person Should Ask Their Partner Early On
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years now. In the duration of our relationship, we never planned for the future. We’d say stuff like “when we get married” or “when we have children,” but there was never any true intention behind the statements. During quarantine, we had nothing but time to think and reassess our lives together thus far.
When we finally started discussing the hard questions, there were a ton of surprising answers from both of us. I assumed we felt the same way about what we wanted in our lives and discovered that wasn’t the case for each topic. We have been fortunate enough to find common ground on everything since. From that conversation, here are seven questions every person should ask their partner early on.
Where do you see yourself in 3–5 years?
This is a general question but can tell you a lot about a person. For example, if the person says, “I see myself pursuing a rap career,” I would be running to the nearest exit. Not because rap isn’t an art or one of my favorite music genres but because I could never see myself accepting the lifestyle that can come with it.
You can also specify what you want to know in this question. Where does your partner see their career in 3–5 years? Their personal life? Their spiritual growth? All of these questions can help you discover more of who they are now but where their life may be headed. This question’s importance is to look past the connection you have at the moment and be intentional about alignment for the future. Life doesn’t always go as planned but knowing the general direction a person is headed in can help.
Is there anywhere else in the country or world you’d want to move to?
Where do you see yourself moving to? Have you always wanted to move to Atlanta? Would you ever want to live in Barbados? Would you like to do a long-distance relationship if we were to live in separate cities or countries? These are all questions to talk about in advance to see where the relationship could be headed. Life happens, and sometimes we don’t foresee moves, but if we know where we want to go and if we’re aligned on that with our partners, it is easier to understand the synergy.
Do you want children?
This is a huge question and one that is important to put on the table early. Do you want kids? How many? When? Numerous couples get into relationships or even marriages to later discover that one person did or didn’t want kids. When you aren’t aligned on this kind of life step, breaking up may end up being inevitable because one person will never fully be happy.
Do you want to get married one day?
For some, marriage is non-negotiable. For others, getting married would never be an option. Having these discussions about where you both stand on the subject can help you avoid wasting time when your end goals for the relationship are different. It’s also important to understand your own stance on marriage and where your opinion comes from. Is it societal pressure that makes you want a ring, or is it an experience you truly want to have?
What is your stance on caring for parents in their older age?
This was never a question I would have thought to ask before this year. I became my mother’s caregiver during COVID-19. She moved in with me, and my lifestyle changed. Some couples face caregiving responsibilities later in life, but for me, it happened at 26. Asking your partner’s stance on caring for parents, including living with you, is incredibly important. You may have a partner who wants to place their own parents in a facility or one that would like their parents to live with them. Having that dialogue about what their opinions of caregiving are vs. yours can illuminate if you share the same ideals in the event you both live together in the future.
Do you have any religious affiliations? What do you believe in?
Do you have any religious beliefs? What do you believe in? Later on, the last thing you want is to feel pressured or feel like you’re pressuring another to convert views when it’s not what either truly wants.
How do you view money, and how should it be used?
Research shows that the number one cause of divorce in the US for couples is financial troubles. Before you get to the altar or even get the ring on your finger, if it’s something you both want, it’s essential to ask your partner’s view on money and how it should be used. Based on their answers, could you foresee misalignment in the future? Would one person spend more or make more money? How do you view sharing financial resources when together? Would your money be separate?
Your relationship isn’t doomed if you and your partner don’t answer exactly the same on each topic. You both may need to continue to work through your ideas on that specific topic and find a happy medium. However, if you have different outlooks on most or all of the questions above, it may be time to think about what the future would look like versus right now.
Contrary to popular belief, people actually do change. Continue to check in on these questions over time. It’s better to discuss the hard stuff now than regret not doing so later.
Yours Truly,
Marielle
Excerpts are taken from my original post here.
