7 Steps to Becoming Your Authentic Self
A step-by-step guide based on your experiences of yours truly.
Feeling lost, unsettled, and confused? Not sure who you are, what you’re doing, or why you’re doing it? Is there a deep sense that something is missing…or just not quite right? Stop everything, get comfy, and start reading! I’ve stumbled upon the journey towards authenticity quite unintentionally. I suppose the best journeys are the ones you don’t plan for. I thought I would share my experience, given that I know many of us are treading our paths towards who we are. I hope it helps.
1. Be honest with yourself
To start with, I had no idea that authenticity was an issue for me. Perhaps I did know subconsciously but couldn’t quite articulate it. It was not a voice I chose to hear, even if it nervously pipes up now and then. It was much easier to drown it out, look the other way and carry on. Strangely enough (or not), as the years rolled by, I felt increasingly disconnected and dissatisfied with my life. There was nothing wrong with it on paper (in fact, it probably sounded pretty good!), but I simply wasn’t happy.
Things came to a head this year when I was forced to confront myself. I had been dishonest with myself. I had spent so many years living the way I felt I should, preserving an appearance I thought I needed to maintain and walking a path that hadn’t felt right that I didn’t even really know what being honest with myself felt like.
Usually, the greatest achievement on the path of change recognizes that you have an issue. It is not an easy or pleasant experience to confront an aspect of yourself that is ‘wrong,’ but that is where the journey begins. Once you’re over that hill, everything becomes easier.
2. Be kind to yourself
I found myself in such a heap- career, family, and health-wise- that I finally had nowhere to run. As someone who has never been able to handle criticism, failure, or anything short of perfection, meeting my dishonesty head-on was painful. I had to learn to show compassion for myself. It might sound like a strange concept, but now I understand. Through reading, learning and listening, I have come to appreciate that the human mind and human nature are such that we will do anything to survive. Many of the traits that enable our survival are not particularly ‘nice’- nature doesn’t care about ‘nice.’ Selfishness, greed, jealousy- no one views these traits as ‘good,’ and very few of us would openly confess that we possess any of them, but the fact is that we all do, to varying degrees. Everyone is different, but just as much as kindness, patience, and forgiveness are within us, so are the ‘flawed’ aspects of ourselves.
Understanding this helped me to stop judging myself. It empowered me to have compassion for the parts of myself that were scared, insecure, and simply wanted to feel safe. It gave me the footing I needed to look beyond my automatic thoughts and reactions and choose to respond in a wiser way, more in tune with my true values and beliefs.
3. Get deep and get clear
Values and beliefs, you say? What were my values and beliefs? Again, not something I had consciously considered for a long while. It’s good to get them out there. They give you a guideline, a signpost, a foundation for when life presents you with crossroads. Take yourself back to a time when you felt at peace. What were you doing? Who were you with? Where were you? Reflect on what truly makes you tick. What lights your fire? What are the rocks that fill your jar?
I know now that I highly value family, connectedness, understanding, and compassion. I believe that nothing and no one is completely good or bad- and that every experience is a mosaic of joy and pain, disappointment and learning. I believe the impact I have and the service I provide matter more to me than how much I earn. I believe what will matter to me on my deathbed will be how I treat those nearest and dearest to me and those less fortunate than myself - not the value of my house or car, how many letters follow my surname, or what people think of me.
Getting clear on your values and beliefs offers a reboot if you are stuck and confused. They are your roadmap for life.
4. Tap into your inner wellspring of self-worth
To be authentic, you need to respect and value yourself. You need to love who you are. Sorry, but there’s no way around it.
You need to feel important enough to listen to what you truly want, think and need. You have to believe that what you say matters. That how you feel matters. That your happiness and peace of mind matter.
This is possibly the hardest part of the journey. You are well on your way when you at least realize that you do not value yourself- you see the problem and will feel the impetus to do something about it. And then you have to feel deep within yourself…feel for the light, the fire within you that says, “I matter too. I deserve to be heard. I deserve to be included.” Let the fire roar. There are ways to do this. It’s not magic. It’s something you have to work at.
5. Be present
What else does this recipe need? It needs presence. Although I have dabbled in meditation and mindfulness for years, I never quite realized until recently just what a mess my mind was! The voice between my ears was incessant, out of control, and damaged. This is the default for many of us — and the saddest part is that we don’t even know it. Once we become still enough to feel, see and hear our fears- our automatic instincts that want to protect us- and our longings, we can act. We can choose how we respond. Sometimes I laugh when I see how my instincts want to play out. I shake my (metaphorical) head at my fear, anxiety, or anger and give it a knowing and playful look- a little like you would with a small child who knows they have done something naughty. Humour is vital. It helps us be simple and easy on this path.
6. Be vulnerable, be brave
Being authentic doesn’t mean you hide away from difficult things. It means you overcome your challenges by standing by what matters to you. I’ll give a very basic example of how I practice authenticity in my daily life. I used to remain quiet in conversations when I didn’t agree with what was being said because I didn’t want to offend anyone and wanted people to like me. Now, I hear a little voice in my head saying- “You don’t agree with that…try and tell them (with respect and understanding) how you feel and why that is.”
Sounds obvious, right? But for some people, including me, it’s not that easy. Expressing what I think can feel scary because I might get shot down for being me- this is a fear of shame. By summoning up the courage to say what I want, I am taking a small step towards overcoming that fear. I am being vulnerable. (Also, it turns out that most people don’t bite your head off for having a different opinion from them- if they’re worth keeping around, they will respect you for it and listen. Whether they agree or not is irrelevant.)
7. Don’t give up
What then? The final step, I believe, is practice. Authenticity doesn’t come in grand gestures or hair-raising speeches the way they do in the movies (although I am sure those count as well). Authenticity is built on the small moments of our day-to-day lives. It is a process and, like any process, needs dedication. Like any process, there will be times when you mess up and feel you could have done better or done more. This is normal. Don’t beat yourself up. Remember you are (only) human, have a little chuckle, and try again next time. The beauty of life is that we can always let something go and begin again.
Your dedication will come with your love and respect for yourself. It will bloom when you feel the lightness and power that comes from being true to who you really are. This is what confidence is- not a front or an act that you put on, but honoring you, whoever you are. After all, there is only one of you, so you might as well celebrate being you!
Anyway, that is my two cents worth. I hope it is helpful. Please let me know what you think. I would love to hear about your experiences of walking the path of authenticity. Much love as always.
