A Self-help Satire
8 Telltale Signs You’re a Self-Help Junkie Who’s No Fun at All
#3 — Your favorite vacation was a Tony Robbins seminar
To all the recovering self-help junkies out there…
As promised, here are 8 telltale signs you’re a self-help junkie who’s no fun at all.
Try not to laugh. This is serious.
1. Your favorite movie is a Brené Brown TED Talk
I love me some Brené just as much as the next guy, or gal, or person. But come on! Seriously? You don’t have anything else you‘d rather watch?
No classics?
Ever heard of The Shawshank Redemption? Did you ever find out What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?
Where’s the vulnerability in that Tom?
I can only imagine how much fun it is to talk about film when you’re around. ;)
2. Your favorite song is “12 Hours of Calming Rain-forest Sounds”
Oh yes. The soothing sounds of rain drops on the forest canopy. A bird squawking. A frog ribbiting. Thunder thundering. My heart exploding with disappointment.
3. Your favorite vacation was a Tony Robbins seminar
Yes Janet, I’ve heard the story about the time you unleashed the power within. You’ve talked about it everyday since June 4th, 2016 when Tony Robbins changed your life. Best vacation you’ve ever had. It was exactly 2:54 p.m. when your power was officially unleashed.
5 stars.
Please stop cornering the new-hires in the break room.
4. Your favorite drink at the bar is wheat grass
Call the cops ladies and germs, she’s outa control.
5. You refer to “The Secret” as the Bible
No, Mark, it wasn’t the power of positive thinking and visualization that manifested the pizza party last Friday at the office. It was Sean. It was his last day at work. He was a nice guy. Everyone likes pizza.
Secret!
6. You disabled the snooze button on your alarm
Maybe you did drink a tall glass of carrot juice, meditate for 30 minutes, write 3 full pages in your journal and run a half marathon before 7 a.m., but honestly, if you’re sleeping in your car every day on lunch break, what’s the point?
Also, we’ve been inviting you to happy hour for over 6 months now Margaret. Would it really kill you to have just one drink?
Love, everyone.
7. Kale salad with 1 tablespoon of strawberry vinaigrette dressing is your all time favorite meal
Have you ever heard of chicken wings?
Even though naked flats with buffalo sauce on the side are the absolute best I won’t argue with you if you promise to drive straight to B-Dubs after work tonight.
- P.S. — If the term “naked flats” makes no sense to you, don’t wait until after work…clock out now, it’s an emergency.
- P.P.S. — If you don’t know what B-Dubs is I can provide private consultation for a fee.
8. Your favorite sex position is downward dog
I thought I’d have something witty to say about this one, but honestly, I’m not mad about it. I’m kinda proud of you. I didn’t know that’s what you were doing at the yoga studio every night.
“Sorry, can’t make it tonight, I’m at the studio stretchin’ my spine.” *wink wink
Moving on…
There’s a time and a place for self-help, productivity hacks and personal development strategies for billionaire level “success.”
But, as a recovering alcoh…I mean, self-help junkie, I feel compelled to share some hard earned wisdom…
At the top of every self-help mountain there exists yet another mountain in the distance. And no amount of self-improvement will replace self-love.
You are enough, right this very moment.
So have a laugh. Hell, learn to laugh at yourself. Life is much better when you’re having fun. And for Christ’s sake, grab a beer with the crew Margaret!
Sincerely,
Everyone.
