Personal Essay
A Matter of Life and Death
A trifecta for suicide bested by my sweet tooth and a trip to the doctor
Introduction
While of course suicide is no laughing matter, as a humorist who happens to battle depression and thoughts of an exit-at-my-own-hands, I choose to present my true story, sincere feelings, and intents and purposes of mental health awareness and suicide prevention in an irreverent manner. That is who I am. Deal with it. Do not get upset. If you can accept such a presentation, please read on. If it will upset you, this story is not for you. If you do read and get upset, I warned you so, unlike a suicide, you would have only yourself to blame; and if you complain about me or Illumination to Medium, go fuck yourself and I will see you in heaven after my natural passing and hell hath no fury like an honest comedian scorned.
My Story
I came so close to executing my suicide plan this past week that no one — probably not even you, the so-called open-minded, average reader — will believe it. And yet I guarantee you won’t believe it unless I give you some hairy details.
If it weren’t for some follow-up googling (post aborting my planned suicide attempt), I would not have known that my brand-new Nissan Rogue was not a suitable…
