A year of loss and win
2023 was no easy year. It was no ordinary year, also. For the first 3 months, I feared I would lose everything. My mind, my friends, my job. Spoiler alert: I did not. I still managed to lose some things though. Parts of me that I no longer needed. And I am still losing them, day by day, by day.
On the other side, I am learning to live with some other parts. I am embracing things that I thought were unacceptable. I have judged myself as morally rigid, only to find out I am not. I am learning to treat with affection whatever part of myself I previously considered unlovable. 2023 taught me that. It started with the worst premises. Stomachache which would turn into anxiety, panic, and insomnia. In January I did a gastroscopy which went very well. I had nothing serious. Apart from myself and my thoughts. My worst fears which had been sleeping for a while, woke up. They had gathered an enormous force after they had been repressed by the pandemic, my mom’s illness and loss and everything else that demanded my physical and mental strength for a long time. Now these fears, these monsters required my entire attention like newborns attached to my body. They accompanied me all through February, almost preventing me from doing my job.
But in my lowest, lowest point I suddenly found a light. It was so trembling at first that it didn’t even seem like a light. It was nothing more than just a candle, in the wind. And the wind was blowing strong that winter month. I held the candle with both my hands. I suppose I held it strong since in the end, the flame stayed alive. I started ACT therapy and self-care. I was doubtful at first, like I always am but I started to like it. I started talking about my thoughts and most hidden secrets. It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t as difficult as I thought. I lost some of my fears and gained others. The fear of going back to that low point will be a part of me for some time, I think. It’s a faithful friend that tries to keep my guard up.
I learned. About myself, my thoughts and my feelings. I learned that sometimes you have to let go of something, to win something. That forcing doesn’t make the pain go away, embracing does. I am still learning. Especially I am learning to apply all the things I know. On those dark days, I discovered what pure courage was. I thought I would never do controversial things anymore. Never enter into complicated situations. Spoiler alert: I entered more of these situations this year than I did my entire life :)
I stretched my emotional limits. Challenged and got a victory over my past traumas. Enhanced my flexibility. Showed vulnerability. Helped myself by helping others. Loved fearlessly. In December 2022 I had planned a solo trip to Paris. I would have returned there after 5 years. It was the last trip with both my parents. The last trip of my mom. I was enthusiastic about it. It would have been cathartic. I had to cancel it. I didn’t have enough strength inside me to do that trip alone with anxiety and fears all around me.
On 23rd December 2023, I got to Paris, alone. It was beautiful, emotional, difficult, nostalgic. I cried tears of joy and pain seeing the Tour Eiffel shining in the night for the first time after 5 years. I saw new places and visited the things we had seen together for a second time. Memories and loneliness sometimes overwhelmed me, but it was all worth it.
I never thought this disastrous beginning of the year could lead to an unforgettable end, but sometimes life has this way of packing together the most memorable and dreadful things in just one big, bright package. We can only learn to accept with our arms opened whatever it comes, trying to preserve that little flame from the winter wind.
