Are You Waiting for Your Pot of Gold?
Or, Is It Deadweight Dragging You Along
A couple of years ago, I was working with a start-up. My friend had started it, and her idea was compelling and close to my heart. I had been leading a powerful initiative that had positively impacted women their families when they were at their most vulnerable. That was now drawing to a close and the question was on the evolution of my role, especially as my friend had entrusted me with the role of co-founder.
I had come back to work after a long hiatus. The work had a larger purpose, was intellectually satisfying, and there was enough and more traction for the start-up.
But….my heart was not in it.
Every minute that I had to spend there felt like an imposition. I dreaded meetings, sudden calendar invites (justified, no doubt, from the organization’s point of view, but which felt like unreasonable demands on my time), and trying to justify my presence in the set-up. Every cell in my body and mind was crying out, “Leave, leave now. I don’t want to do this.” But I didn’t, I couldn’t. I hemmed and hawed and tarried with my confused state.
So, what was holding me back? It wasn’t as if I was getting paid, so that was not the reason. It was partly about reclaiming my identity as a “working” member of society and having an answer to the “What are you doing nowadays” question instead of embarrassingly mumbling something unintelligible.
[For my travails on Finding my Purpose, this is a link to the article https://medium.com/@reemasen/what-is-your-purpose-in-lifeand-what-if-you-dont-have-one-68b27cd6693e]
It was also about keeping my family happy. They were worried about me not doing anything (well, anything that they thought was useful anyway) since I had quit my career in banking.
I, too, wanted to be “gainfully engaged,” and I was not able to rationalize the deep reluctance that had caught hold of me from within. That perplexed me. Was this a test that God had set out for me? To see how I would respond to doing things that I did not want to. He had set me on this path when I had least expected it, so He must be wanting me to continue. And now that I knew all about Karma, and repeated patterns in life, was I condemning myself to another round of whatever if I didn’t continue this path?
[For the confused state of mind that I was in, but which yielded brilliant outcomes, please read https://medium.com/@reemasen/i-dont-know-why-i-am-doing-what-i-am-doing-1389ff062a32]
I also became aware of another insidious thought which was weighing on my mind. Of course, there was the opportunity to get back my lost professional fame. Getting back to networking. Getting back to the hustle-bustle of building a business. And there was a possible significant upside if I continued with this venture, maybe in 5 years, 7 or 10. There was a real chance to make some money. And here I was, thinking of throwing it all away, knowing that this opportunity would not come again.
So, here I was with a potential pot of gold calling out to me. I saw myself sitting on the bus of life that was being driven by my mind. I had to tell the driver which directions to take, and I was carrying that pot of gold in my hands. The pot was very heavy because, at that moment, there was no gold in it. It was a deadweight that I was lugging along. It was tiring and burdensome to keep carrying that bag full of expectations for the future.
Once I kept the pot down, I felt lighter. I knew then that I had to make the decision based on the present moment. Not on what the future might bring. I could continue only if my heart and mind were truly aligned with the venture at that moment. Not based on the hope that it would someday align in the not-too-distant future, and definitely not on the pot of gold I could get.
Have you had a similar experience to share? Let me know in the comments below. Looking forward to reading your stories!
PS: For those interested, no, I did not continue with that venture. I retreated into seclusion. And I have got my perfect answer for those who ask me about what I am doing now. I am Just Chilling and enjoying every minute of It.
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