Are You a Placeholder Until Your Friends Find a Partner?
Creating anarchy in our relationships.
"My boyfriend only wants me to make plans with you if he's busy", my childhood friend explained to me when I asked her to hang out. He must have a lot of free time because I hadn't seen her in weeks. She turned from a fiercely independent person into the cliché of the girl who forgets her friends as soon as she is in a relationship. She was the last person I expected to merge into an extension of their partner because she had been happily single into her early twenties. Within weeks she had become someone I didn't recognize anymore. She stopped reaching out and was too busy when I asked.
I was hurt, to say the least, and missed her old self. Yet when I expressed my sadness to others, I was reminded that it was "normal to focus on your partner". It made me feel like I was temporarily filling the spot of a close person in her life until the right guy came along and took his rightful place. I wasn't needed anymore because she had found the person that is supposed to fulfil every need.
If I have to accept that my friends are only close while they’re single, I better find myself a partner to avoid loneliness.
During university, you're surrounded by people your age, and it takes less effort to socialize and find your 'crowd'. But once you start working and moving out, maintaining friendships takes more effort. I've always valued my deep and close friendships. Even though I have never been in a relationship, I hadn't really felt lonely before.
The end of this year-long friendship changed something in me. Or maybe it was other people's reactions that instilled fear in me. I had expected sympathy from my surroundings, but people didn't seem surprised by my friend's drastic shift in priorities. Quite the contrary, I was expected to be happy for her. It was as if she had achieved a life goal and had levelled up — leaving me behind in the process.
This mindset is the reason for being afraid of 'ending up alone'. If I have to accept that my friends are only close while they're single, I better find myself a partner or continuously make new friends to avoid loneliness. Even though I wasn't ready to build a life with someone, I suddenly felt the pressure to settle down.
It also instilled bitterness in me, preventing me from being happy for my friends when they met someone. I wasn't sad that they had connected with someone, and I hadn't. I was afraid they would forget about me.
“We’re just friends” implies that friendship is less significant than a romantic relationship.
I have several close friends, and more than once, someone hinted at a potential romantic connection between us. I would always reply with, "No, we're just friends", to put the rumours to bed. Just… as in nothing more, implying their friendship was less significant than a romantic relationship. The lack of labels (and sexual relationship) apparently meant our bond was weaker than one with a lover. But it feels like a disservice to imply those connections are lacking something. Our lives may be less entangled, but they are essential for my happiness and quality of life.
No one person could replace all the things my friends bring into my life.
Not only is this reliance and complete focus on your partner hard for your (former) close friends, but it's also detrimental to the romantic relationship itself. This is because the pressure to match all aspects of your romantic partner's personality and lifestyle is impossible.
If you set your partner up to be your everything, then they will be everything you blame when you’re unhappy.
Queer (and poly) people have had to redefine heteronormative relationships to fit their lives. That process creates the opportunity to question common expectations for romantic relationships. Relationship anarchy acknowledges that intimate relationships shouldn't be ranked on a hierarchy. Even though it’s often associated with polyamory, I believe the concept would also bring value to monogamous, hetero relationships.
Currently, hetero relationships automatically get ranked higher than friendships, no matter how long you’ve known the person. This also stems from a hope that marriage will bring a sense of belonging. Human nature is to seek companionship, and marriage promises it for eternity. Yet, it can simultaneously mean social isolation.
Creating and being part of a community with several intimate relationships (that don't have to be romantic) relieves the pressure.
