Are You Doing This to Impress People? Stop
The handicap of the external validation model
Good job!
Well done!
From the moment you utter your first mumble or stumble your first step there’s been someone there to validate it.
Or invalidate it.
A screaming supermarket tantrum ends in a scolding.
Cut it out.
Stop that!
A child quickly learns their behaviours are on display to the world. A judging world full of opinions, good and bad.
Quickly these young critters begin to view their actions through the eyes of others, gauging reactions and adjusting accordingly.
They grow to clumsily view themselves through distorted mirrors of imagination.
They think they are what they think other people think they are.
External Validation
There’s no doubt the external influence of society is crucial in the development of highly functional adults.
Specific prosocial emotions such as regret and shame, which are mostly fuelled by seeing ourselves through the eyes of others, would be undermined.
But when it comes to what you do with your life, what decisions you make, society's opinion of you should only influence your moral judgement.
External validation tends to crystallise in our minds as the default mental model. Seeking the approval of others in all that we do.
We just want to impress people, to prove our worth. Buying the shiny red sports car so we are envied. Giving to charity to be admired. Posting on Instagram.
We do things to be seen. An attempt to influence the opinions of others.
This is insecurity.
You’re effectively saying I’m not good enough unless I prove to others that I am.
Coupling your sense of worth to other people's views is asking for misery.
You have intrinsic worth without lifting a finger. Don’t feel like you have to do anything to justify your existence.
Searching for validation misdirects your life. You end up pursuing things you don't want to do. You lie to people to hide your insecurities. You pursue meaningless goals. Just so that on the outside you appear successful.
Stop trying to curate other people's experiences of you to bolster your sense of worth.
It’s stupid.
No One Cares
No lie.
How often do you scrutinise how other people are spending their time.
Unless they have a truly unhealthy and undesirable life, you don’t think they should be doing anything differently.
You respect them just as they are.
You are too concerned with the impression you make on others to consider your own opinion of them.
It goes both ways.
No one cares what you do with your life.
Stop worrying what people think of you, in all likelihood, they don't give a frying frog.
You shouldn’t either.
It’s that perennially poignant adage —
You’ll worry less about what people think about you when you realize how seldom they do.
What Do You Truly Want To Do
Think about all your goals and ambitions and reevaluate them in this way:
Am I doing this because I want to? or because I want to impress others?
If it’s the latter, flush them down the lavatory.
If it’s the former, do it.
You’ll find that you enjoy it much more too.
Would you still pursue this aim if no one else will ever know?
Yes? Good!
No? Don't waste your time!
The psychologist Jordan Peterson once wrote a list of his 42 rules for life, this is number 5:
If you have to choose, be the one who does things, instead of the one who is seen to do things.
You don’t need to prove anything to anyone.
You don’t need to get good at a particular skill, or achieve a certain goal, in order to be worthy of other people's attention.
You don’t hold others to that standard, so why hold yourself?
When you realise that external validation is the wrong kind of motivation, you have to reassess why you’re doing what you’re doing.
If you do anything because people will admire you, you’re doing it for the wrong reason. Find what you want to do for its own sake — for your own sense of achievement.
Then you will admire yourself.
People do not care what you do, so do what YOU want to do.
