Are you the red flag? — 7 patterns highlighting so!
I see this a ‘newer trend’ everywhere, where most of us are trying to spot red flags in people, places, and things everywhere!
I wonder, do we include ourselves in that arena of spotting ‘toxicity’?
- Does it ever click to you, maybe ‘I am toxic, right now’ and I require some internal cleansing?
- Or are you even open for that kind of speculation?
- Least of all, do you have your permission to point that in YOU?
Think of it like (please be honest, here XP) —
(the last time, you apologized to someone genuinely or maybe acknowledged something ‘Oh, I was wrong — I misinterpreted things’)
If your answer is ‘No’ then, I am very sorry in advance to burst your bubble ☹
Maybe, you need some deep-down cleansing & self-reflection before you point fingers towards the outside world.
Please forgive me to bring forth the harsh truth but if it brings you any peace, I would like to share you are not alone!
I was in the same boat 4–5 years, ago.
AND trust me I ruined few beautiful things in my life because I could not spot this pattern, in time.
That is exactly the reason, I chose to write this article for you.
Here are my 7 pointers for you :
1. You are ALWAYS right
You are almost always, ‘know it all’ — in your mind, and never wrong.
Whatever you do, however you behave, you have a handy reason backing your actions.
You have a very hard time to genuinely apologize for something you missed/did/said.
You have bought your ‘ego’s sell’ — there is absolutely nothing coming from inside which tells you to change/improve for yourself.
Recently, you have not really acknowledged in true honesty anything like,
“Oh, I am sorry I was wrong, you are right — I appreciate that guidance I will try to bring that change.”
2. Your favourite game is BLAMING others
Taking responsibility for your life is something alien to you.
If something is bad then things usually happen to you with an omnipresent villain in the picture.
You have become a pro in putting things/actions/inactions on your surroundings, people, misfortune and what not.
You are mostly busy in finding reasons to blame rather than putting in the work to bring a change.
Is that you?
3. Innate obvious stubbornness
You are very stubborn in your mindset.
Once an image of something/someone is formed in your head, it is equivalent to ‘carved mark on rock’.
You are open to buy just your ideas, thoughts, patterns, beliefs, judgements etc.
Or worst, you have given that right to 2–3 other people, who operate with a similar mindset.
You cannot really take anything on your beliefs, ideas, thoughts from someone not approved in your list above.
You automatically get into defensive mode — as if it is an attack.
You are not great with taking constructive feedback even from your so called, ‘loved ones’.
You are always trying to make/prove a point rather than having an open conversation.
Being right in everything is far more important to you than anything/anyone else in the world.
It has not crossed your mind often;
“Oh, thank you for sharing that, it is a new perspective to me”
“maybe he/she is right — I can try that, let’s see if it works”
4. You are the victim in every situation
On most days, you operate with a scarcity mindset where bad things happen to you, ONLY.
Your problems are the biggest in the world. There is not even a slight hope of goodness, gratefulness in your life.
Almost, everyone in your life has done something bad to you.
You have never tried to shift perspective to — maybe just maybe;
“I am over-emphasizing on my stuff, in the end everyone is battling with their stuff and managing it somehow, I can do that too”
5. Almost everything is personal to you
Your manager gave you honest feedback about your deliverables.
And now you hate your job, you hate your boss. The way you see it is, personally and not professionally.
Someone in the meeting conference questioned your ideas to pick your mind and understand feasibility.
But, to you it is equivalent to ‘daunting’.
Your friend said ‘No’ for a movie plan this weekend as he/she has other plans.
Now, you are questioning your friendship or maybe he/she likes you less now or they don’t have time for you anymore.
You spot the pattern?
You have stopped shifting vision, altogether.
It did not occur to you, “Wow, this feedback from my manager is going to develop my skills further”
“Nice, that was a great question by my colleague, it gave me more clarity in framing an answer”
“Oh, that’s okay — my friend must have been occupied with something important, we can plan some other time”
6. You are repeatedly projecting your negative emotions on others
You had a terrible day at work, but for no good reason you initiated a fight with your partner at home.
You are failing at managing your emotions well.
Neither you are acknowledging these nor letting these flow effortlessly and harmlessly.
Rather, you are battling with these emotions and projecting on people around you.
You expect people around you to understand, without you really explaining anything to them.
Your state is, I had a bad day and I am going to sulk about it forever and unconsciously make people sulk with me because,
‘Misery wants company’
It does not bother to you, “It is just a day, and I am sure it will get better, let me not ruin the moment with my people now”
OR talking it out —
“I am having a hard time today, please allow me to take it slow”
7. You struggle BIG TIME to ask for help
You are most often than not, pushing people who might want to help you, away!
Anybody offering genuine help is like ‘belittling you’.
You believe in suffering alone. You operate with the mindset that;
“world is a bad place and sharing your weaknesses with anyone is the worst idea”
You are going to ‘do it all by yourself’ because your perceived image by other people is more important than ‘YOU’ for yourself.
That was it!
This wasn’t an exhaustive list — there could be more to it.
Also, not to miss — there is always a backstage story why someone is like that consciously/unconsciously.
Like for instance, I was exactly like that, few years ago because I bottled up a lot of emotions, insecurities and traumas as a child.
But what I did different was — I recognized my pattern, took the hard path of acknowledging that ‘Oh, I am taking it in a wrong way’
And, took help to initiate action to change the thought pattern.
So, even if this list triggers you or you recognize yourself in this list, Remember —
YOU can change this!
Think about all the doors you have already closed without even trying by choosing to live in this mindset.
I don’t intend to make anyone feel less in anyway and I will be very honest, we all have these negative thoughts patterns.
We all are toxic for someone, at some point in our lives.
The real question is —
Are you willing to put in the effort to :
- Recognize the pattern?
- Take conscious action to change it for good?
If your answer is ‘Yes’ — congratulations, you have covered the first step.
You are on the right track.
This positive change is going to take you to places.
AND
You will live an optimistic, happy, hopeful life.
It is never too late to learn something new and bring a change, GO FOR IT!
With Love,
TS
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