Art of Dealing with Power Struggles
An ordinary day with an especially 3-year-old child may start with a simple power struggle about what to wear in that day. These power struggles may get bigger and have an effect on the child’s life such as not going to school, not having breakfast or not taking responsibility. These might be the most serious problems almost every parent deals with. After a while, these small problems may turn into big power struggles for parents and they may start to feel desperate.
So, what you can do about a power struggle?
Alfred Adler, who is an Austrian medical doctor, psychotherapist, and founder of the school of individual psychology, opened parent education centers after World War 1. He realized that parents should be educated to raise socially interested, belonged, and significant children. According to Adler, the basic way of avoiding power struggle is to use logical and natural consequences.
Natural Consequences
It is the simplest way of dealing with power struggles but it might be the hardest way for parents as well. Natural consequences do not include the interference of a second person to the event. Thus, the child takes responsibility for his/ her actions. For example, if the child does not get up to have breakfast, there is no need to have arguments to wake him/ her up! This child may get up late and go to school without having breakfast. Another example, when the child does not tidy his/ her room, parents should not help the child to find anything else (a toy, a coursebook, etc). This is a natural consequence because you are intervening in the situation. As I said earlier, it might be a little bit hard parents to let go of the child without having breakfast for the school. However, when the child takes responsibility for these actions, s/he may start to understand the consequences and start to wake up early!
Logical Consequences
Logical consequences involve second parties for the event. However, this involvement should be discussed with the child beforehand the event. For example, if the child is playing video games constantly when s/he is told not to, parents may take the laptop away for a while. The most important point about logical consequences is that these consequences should be decided WITH the children. Furthermore, these logical consequences should be reasonable and related to the issue! Thus, rather than the dictation of some of the ‘rules’, parents should decide what to do if the child plays video games for 3 days for example. Furthermore, the duration should be clear as well and the parents should apply these logical consequences every time, without exception!
Another vital element is that these logical consequences should be applied with friendliness, not with arguments and discussions. When the child knows about the consequences, parents should explain with kindly and friendly and remind the consequences of the child’s action. That will be all! Thus, the child should know that s/he is significant, valued, and even when s/he is doing mistakes, s/he is accepted by his or her parents!
Do logical and natural consequences work with my child?
These consequences can work with your child because:
- They help your child to make a choice
- They happen in a kind and friendly environment
- They do not shame or humiliate the child. They are not punishments!
- They are closely tied to the action of the child so the child know what to expect. No surprises!
- The child is responsible for his/ her own behaviors
While you are using logical and natural consequences, you need to remember that as parents, you need to stop to “save” the child. So the child can deal with the consequences of the specific behavior. Do not forget;
“A person’s a person, no matter how small.”
Dr. Seuss
