Apocalypse of Broken Promises
The Science Behind “Breaking a Promise”
I heard it through the grapevine that extensive research has been done on the highly transmittable Bacillus Promisis Brokii — a parasitic species which are thought to feed on the demoralization they induce to the ol’ decent folk they infest.
The PBs as they probably are referred to in the scientific literature, not sure — but more importantly to spare me redundant typing — are assumed to employ a hard-to-explain-to-you-uneducated-people mechanism through which they hijack the blood-brain barrier of their unsuspecting hosts and destroy their ability to keep any promises, ever. Effectively, they convert them into lying assholes.
Like a zombie apocalypse but with a bunch of ass-Os roaming the streets instead.
This must be a valid scientific explanation because it’s backed by the rock-solid scientific evidence I just told you about. Otherwise, it would mean that people could be assholes by their own volition which immediately provokes my self-serving moral objection:
Hell, NO!
Without even applying my already underdeveloped critical thinking, I tend to agree with this theory because it suits well my inherent goal to absolve my soul from any possible display of assholeness by shifting the responsibility to an external stimulus.
It’s not me — it’s that a-hole critter in my brain!
So far — so good!
Therefore, it is my official position that the PBs are to be blamed for the slew of disappointments and the emotional disruption which follows the contact between them, their “victims”, and the rest of the world. I repeat this sentence another seven hundred sixty-four times in front of the mirror and, voila, I’m a believer!
That’s the power of true science!
After PBs invade the human brain — I continue to receive information through the vine — there are observable behavioral changes that affect the normal communication patterns and social interaction of the host.
A symptom of the infection is the pervasive i-don-giva-fk attitude about anything, especially a promise. This is caused by the biochemical disbalance created by PBs. They find a quiet corner of the brain, barely used in the best case, and establish their small chemical lab there. They start producing all sorts of PB-bad stuff that forces the person to turn into a perfect asshole, with all the bells and whistles that come with it.
Sometimes the person fights back and opposes the process but PBs have standard operating procedures for those cases. They utilize the promise-making technique against an individual with impaired promise-keeping ability! Isn’t it classic irony?!
They promise all sorts of improbable things in a very convincing way to defeat the rebellious brain:
- This is the last time you don’t show up for your own college graduation;
- Next time you’ll be there when a mountain lion attacks your sister;
- You’ll pay them back when you get a job: mom, dad, grandpa, auntie Lola, cousin Jerry, neighbors in 6B, and 4D!
So insidious. Poor us. We stand no chance!
Currently, a cure is unavailable but sometimes miracles happen and an asshole reverts to a person. No scientific explanation for this one has been offered but I suspect a divine intervention as the probable cause.
After all the power of true science is believing in it!
I got inspired to write this silly satirical piece by the brilliant nighttime poet/daytime scientist Eli Snow and specifically, her beautiful (and serious) poem Broken Promises. You may find it in the link below.
Eli, I hope you and the scientific community don’t take offense in my quirky humor!