Avoiding Disappointment in People: Don’t Expect
“A man’s face and appearance betray
Only what he projects but not what he hides.
A tiger’s stripes and fur portray
Not the bones and power inside.” — Chinese Proverb
Human behaviour has always fascinated me. Mostly it’s because people are unpredictable. What is rational for one may be absolutely illogical for another. We do the craziest things, for reasons that often we ourselves can’t articulate. This kind of stuff makes human relationships treacherous waters to navigate. You just don’t know what the other will do next, or how you will react to it.
In relationships, it’s easy to fall prey to a sentiment of disappointment in others. It matters little how long the relationship has lasted. It may be a friend you’ve known for decades, or it may be someone you met barely a week ago. Sooner or later, more likely sooner, the other party will do or say something you didn’t expect, and it becomes a sore point in the relationship. Worst case, it may even damage it to a point where you stop seeing each other again.
Stop blaming the other person. As Abraham Lincoln said, “You can have no conflict, without being yourselves the aggressors.” Whatever the other person is doing, we still have agency over how we react to it. And often it’s on our reaction that the relationship hinges.
Instead of pontificating about other people, maybe it’s helpful to be introspective. Someone didn’t thank me for something nice I did for them. Does that piss me off? Perhaps. But why? When I did whatever I did, was I out looking for gratitude? If I did, maybe I shouldn’t have done it in the first place. And did they even ask me to do them that favour? Maybe they didn’t, nor did they want it. When we did something nice, did we do it for ourselves or for them?
Someone says something to me that I feel belittles me. I should be offended, no? But why do I feel belittled at all? Perhaps I’m just being overly sensitive. Perhaps I’m misinterpreting. There are myriad reasons behind anything. Why should I pick one that unsettles me, when I have no evidence at all to arrive at that conclusion?
As for being disappointed, that’s on me too. To be disappointed, I must have certain expectations to begin with. Why? Where did these expectations come from? Why do I think they are reasonable? What right do I have to EXPECT from others? Is it because I feel I have invested a lot in them? But then I did so voluntarily, didn’t I? I think it might be useful to think less about why they disappoint us, and instead delve into why I should be disappointed at all.
One strategy I take, and I’m not saying it’s best, in any relationship is I take things at face value. Joyce is very nice to talk to, and Tom is good company, great. Let’s spend time together. But I don’t presume I know what’s going on in their minds. I have no way of knowing why they do what they do. And besides, what business is it of mine? So if we have good times together, let’s hang out. If good times are not to be had, then maybe I’d step back a bit and see. No point judging them, for neither do I wish to be judged.
I have two grown sons. And yes, I am keen to know they’re doing fine, and that they are decent folks. But I don’t expect it. And so they can’t disappoint. Do I agree with everything they do? Of course not. No one ever agrees with everything someone else does. But that’s just the way it is. If they are happy, I should be happy for them. If they are sad, I feel their pain. As for disappointments, I should be disappointed in myself if I find them disappointing. It’s their lives, after all.
Been married for forty years. I still don’t always understand my wife and why she does some of the things she does. I just accept them, for I accept her. And if I don’t like some of the things she does, well, it’s on me, right? I can just ignore it unless it directly affects me. I stopped trying to UNDERSTAND a long time ago. For one, I don’t always understand even myself. But more importantly, I think often when we say we want to “understand” someone, what we really mean is we want them to justify why they are behaving so stupidly. And that, to me, is disappointing.
Nothing will ever go 100% my way. That’s a fact of life. I just take it one day at a time and accept things at face value. Life goes on whether we cheer or brood. So might as well cheer.
