Be Kind to Yourself
How to move beyond your worst critic
I recently studied an online leadership course. For one of the subjects, the assignment was to write an essay reflecting on our best and worst leadership moments. I poured my heart out, then promptly thought nothing more of it.
Two weeks later, I received an email from the instructor replying to my self-reflection on my worst leadership moment. She wrote, “Don’t be so hard on yourself. We are often our own worst critics. I’m sure you tried your best.”
I was taken aback. In that moment, I felt relieved and exonerated. It was as if she had pardoned my sins.
Then, it got me thinking…Why are we often our own worst critics? More importantly, what can we do about it?
1. Thinking we don’t have what it takes
I’m sure you have noticed the great number of articles with headings like “How I attracted X readers / made Y dollars in 30 days”, wrapped up with the general message, ‘If I did this, so can you!’ They used to be the very stories I gravitated to first thing when I opened up Medium in the morning…hoping that maybe just a little bit of their success might rub off on me if I read enough of them.
Stop torturing yourself with those “rags to riches, zero to hero” stories if they leave you feeling depressed or inadequate. Whilst I don’t doubt their authenticity and good intentions, I am not convinced of their universal applicability. Trying to blindly replicate another’s success is a sure fire way to fall into depression, thinking ‘I can’t do this. I don’t have what it takes…’
New Thinking: I will make it on my own terms
We may not have what it takes to do it their way (How many of us started with 10,000 Facebook followers?) What we need is to explore, experiment and discover our own way.
For all the self improvement tips and all the advice we get, we start our self improvement journey full of enthusiasm…then a lot of us just mysteriously give up.
Take other people’s advice with a grain of salt and apply and adapt what actually resonates with you. More often than not, it really does boil down to slow and steady, consistent and persistent hard work.
2. Thinking we are not good enough
Are there ghosts from your past that have seeped into your self-belief? Perhaps a ‘friendly’ family pet name like ‘my chubby dumpling’ or even an off-hand comment someone made that has stuck with you forever. I once coached a client who worked herself into knots of self-doubt when the first public presentation she made didn’t quite go to plan. Bursting into tears, she told me her mother would always berate her whenever she went home with a bad school report. “Why are you so stupid? Only stupid girls fail!”. It’s clear her mother’s remarks really left her with a deep-seated sense of ‘you’ll-never-be-good-enough’.
The real danger with these ‘I’m not enough — I’m not worth it’ messages in your head is that they can rear their ugly heads in self-sabotaging behaviours. Without realising the belief-behaviour linkage, you will under-prepare for your performance reviews, you will run away from make-or-break work commitments and you will pass up on opportunities…all because sub-consciously we’ve convinced ourselves ‘we’re not worth it’ and we behave accordingly.
New Thinking: I AM enough.
Don’t add fuel to those self-defeating beliefs. Contrite as they may seem, affirmations and positive self-talk can really help push away the negativity. Next time you find yourself full of doubt, say to yourself:
- I AM enough. I can do this.
- I am capable of achieving success in my life.
3. Thinking we haven’t done enough
I think perfectionists are particularly prone to this self-sabotaging thinking. I’ve sometimes held onto work, tweaking this and that, trying to make it better. Eventually, when I do hand in the work (which in my head is the perfect Michaelangelo masterpiece), I am shocked by the feedback and comments about the work. Afterwards, when everyone else has well and truly moved on, I ruminate over what else I could have done. I’m angry with myself for missing what was so obvious in hindsight. I’m angry with myself…I’m angry with myself…!
New Thinking: I have done enough.
Don’t become fixated on the ‘What Else’. If you’ve really given it your best shot, then you have done enough. Life is not about aiming for perfection. It’s about showing up and doing the work to the best of our ability. Next time you find yourself full of doubt, say to yourself:
- I’ve done this to the best of my ability. I can’t ask more of myself.
- It’s ok to make mistakes and learn from them.
- A mistake is not a failure. It is not the end of the world.
4. Thinking we haven’t lived up to other people’s expectations
We all have roles we are born into and we have personas that we play when we are at work or with family and friends. We could be the hero, the care giver, the supporter, the appeaser or the negotiator. The trouble with this mentality is that, over time, our persona becomes what others naturally expect us to do all the time — we’ve become who other people want and expect us to be. Suddenly, we feel we must have other people’s validation and approval to feel worthy.
This is great and we feel great about ourselves when other people tell us “we’ve done good”. When the reverse happens, however, it can be devastating. In our heads, we see ourselves as failures believing we have let others down by not living up to their expectations.
New Thinking: I can validate my own worth
We need to also pay attention to what we need to nourish ourselves. I’m not saying we should completely ignore other people and make ourselves the center of the universe. We need to balance the needs of others against our own needs. It’s not being selfish when we put our own oxygen masks on first. If we let our worth be defined by others, what’s going to happen if their view of us changes? It’s only when we know our worth from deep within ourselves that that we can earnestly and selflessly help others.
Why we need to stop being so hard on ourselves
Bottom line, accepting ourselves for who we are is the key to building a solid sense of our unwavering worth. In practical terms, we need to:
- protect ourselves from being psychologically scarred from negative experiences
- regularly re-energise ourselves so we don’t end up suffering burnout, distress and mental fatigue
- give ourselves permission to enjoy what we have and what we’ve achieved as we work to improve the other areas
To be clear, this is not a devious way to give ourselves permission to quit. It’s actually the opposite. By giving ourselves a break, we give ourselves the opportunity to replenish mentally before stepping on the gas.
Turn self kindness into action
Coming back to my story, writing down how I failed did feel like confession. I let my mistakes fly off into the wind like a sweet release.
By showing me her understanding, my instructor empowered me to forgive myself. In her saying “don’t be so hard on yourself”, her words jolted me into action. They made me realise I have learnt something from the experience. The important takeaway is to absorb learning and use it to be better next time. Her words actually propelled me to work on how I could be better next time.
Even as a coach, I find these moments of reminder and illumination so critical for our growth and development. Sure, this time round, it took a 3rd party for me to gain the insight. The trick is to always practice self kindness rather than relying on others to remind us ‘not to be too hard on ourselves’.
So, don’t beat yourself up over every little mistake, oversight or goal you haven’t quite achieved. Accept whatever has happened and just keep going.
Be kind to yourself.
I want to make
