Being Too Polite is Killing Your Relationship
You know you’re pretending.
Humor me for a moment — do you relate to any one of the situations below:
- You’re on a date and you’re asking your potential partner about random (polite) shit like what’s their favorite number or their “spiritual views on life” (yeah, whatever the fuck means) — deep down, you know that you’re playing it “safe” because you don’t want to offend them or don’t want to come off as too “aggressive”.
- You are in a relationship with someone and you’re being nice to them all the time — even when they sometimes do stupid shit which infuriates you and makes you want to throw a brick at them instead of saying “oh, it’s alright darling”.
- It’s only you who takes out the trash, it’s you who washes the dishes, you agree with your partner all the time whether they’re talking about their favorite color or their favorite show, or you’re jealous as hell when they’re talking to other guys or girls but you don’t say anything because you fear you might “interrupt their private space” (stop lying to yourself fuckface, you are jealous)
If you could spot any similarity between one of the situations illustrated above and your current relationship, congratulations! You are being over-polite which means your relationship is fucked!
Let me explain why being polite in a relationship is one of the last things you should concern yourself with, what actually matters, and what else you should be, if not polite.
Lack of Honesty and Transparency
Politeness is a good virtue to chase but in a relationship, this can come at the cost of suppressed emotions, opinions, and thoughts. Let me elaborate.
There is no problem with being polite in a relationship until it forces you to become less transparent by not being completely honest because you don’t want to offend or cause any inconvenience to your partner.
This lack of directness, which most people think is essential for “maintaining a healthy relationship” can actually cause a lot of frustrations and problems instead.
You can’t be honest and tell your partner that they are being an asshole because they haven’t taken out the trash, you can’t ask them to spare you a corner of the blanket because they’ve got every inch of it to themselves when you’re in bed with them, you can’t share your worst problems with them because you don’t want to “burden” them.
When this happens, all intimacy and vulnerability dies too. That’s because you’re no longer honest or open about the important things with the only person you’re planning to spend your life with — instead, you want to be polite, right?
I came across this amazing line on Pinterest by someone unknown which explains the whole thing very well:
Half-truths, hiding shit on purpose, or comforting one with alibis is the same thing as lying to them.
Your Relationship Becomes Boring
When you are too polite with your partner, you restrict yourself from doing and saying a lot of interesting and new things which could spice up your relationship and make it more fun for both of you.
This one might not seem very significant at first if you don’t realize how many relationships fail miserably, all because one or the other person in the relationship gets bored of the same formalities and gifts and the safe conversations and those boring dates and… you get the point.
I have especially seen this with many young couples who can’t hold it and are very excited to be with each other initially, but once they actually get together, all that excitement goes up in smoke. Humor me if this has happened to someone you know:
There’s this guy who’s s always nice and polite, cautious with every action that he takes or anything that he says. He fears to cause his woman any sort of inconvenience — meanwhile, his girl gets bored of him playing it safe and the fact that there’s nothing interesting, nothing new, and most importantly no surprises in their relationship. On the other hand, the guy gets frustrated because he doesn’t understand why “that mean bitch” is taking him (the polite and caring guy) for granted.
All this frustration stems from one’s belief that being polite (instead of being expressive or honest) will make his relationship better — he fails to see that his partner is expecting something new from him but he can’t give it because he’s too timid and polite.
You Come Across as Needy
Remember those car salesmen who would approach you with “The Offer of a Lifetime”, who would offer to buy you your favorite coffee just to have a “quick conversation about automobile upgrades” — you clearly knew their intentions behind all that politeness and welcoming behavior; they wanted to sell you something.
You can almost sense a person who is being nice to you just because they want something from you in return, or maybe they want you to do something for them — it can be trying to get your approval, getting you to like them, or demanding sex if you’re already in a relationship. This is the perfect example of one being needy — and trust me, you don’t want to be needy, especially in a new relationship.
Don’t confuse neediness with a burning desire to be with someone. Most people think that expressing how much you love or want someone is neediness. That’s not neediness. Here are Mark Manson’s two cents on the subject:
Doing something in order to make people like you instead of doing what you actually like to do, is neediness.
The one who is constantly fighting to get the approval of his partner and doing all the nice things by being polite all the time is destined to kill his relationship because believe me, neediness is not attractive and it will kill your relationship.
Manners (Whatever That Means in a Relationship)
I remember my first “girlfriend” who I met in an institute that I used to go to where they’d teach English and at the time I was about 14 years old (I know what you’re thinking, please hear me out for a moment) — the first time I actually met this girl, it was in our street while she had come to see some of her friends and when I went up to say hello to her, I don’t know what happened.
Technically, I still remember that I asked her something about her mom and her studies (I was 14 years old, give me a break), and after that first interaction with her, I would see her in the institute and I’d say the same (polite) shit again. Yes, we broke up in 3 weeks.
My teenage love story taught me a thing or two about being polite and well-mannered in a relationship:
Too much concern with manners leads to a lot of pretending, imitated love, a lack of intimacy, and too many unnecessary gifts.
Humans are not built for manners, the only people who we think are well mannered, are actually just good at pretending that they have manners. The problem with being too formal in a relationship is that all those manners and “Oh baby, let me pay, let me open the door for you” are just unnecessary formalities and “pretend caring”.
I’m sure you have a best friend who you feel so comfortable with, that you can shamelessly fart in front of them. Let me ask you a question, how many times have you offered to open the door for that best friend of yours? How many times have you asked them about their “spiritual views on life” or about their lucky number because you wanted to be polite with them?
Does This Mean I Should Be an Asshole?
No, you don’t have to go out now and spit on your boyfriend’s face while screaming “I’ll be an asshole from now on and you’ll have to accept me!” (You’re better than that, hopefully.)
Not being polite just means that you are not constantly trying to make your partner happy at the cost of your own higher values — it means that you are honest and transparent with them, telling them their flaws or asking them uncomfortable questions even if it may hurt them temporarily.
Hence, one needs to be okay with being his worst self with his partner when he needs to, he needs to have the balls to shout when he’s had enough, he must be able to ask his partner for anything, without concerning himself with being formal.
Believe it or not, this is actually the foundation of true, lasting love where one expresses and the other accepts, even if it comes at the cost of a few fights followed by a period of no-talk days.
Relationships are not perfect, that’s what makes them worth getting into.
Love. Amir.
