Blue is the saddest color
anecdotes of a journey to access how personal feelings change over time depending on how one is treated [part I]
I felt humiliated. I have humiliated myself. Embarrassed me. For I have called you so many times. For I have sent you so many texts. Neither have your reply nor have you seen let alone called me back. I would bury myself with the soil beneath the earth — that much humiliation your silence caused me. I could not look at myself. I could not look at you. I was expecting at least a sentence that would make the burden a little less. You could have just said something, anything. At least you could tell me that you do not want to feel like replying. I felt ignored.
From that night to this — two nights have passed and I am still crying. It just does not stop, just like a monsoon’s rain in this city. And for two days I have sobbed inside. It is not only your behavior that caused me to feel this humiliation and neglect but also this familiar way of being humiliated so many times, that one reminds me of the other. Meanwhile, I worked as a pig. Wrote reports, attended meetings, and ran from this side of the town to that side of the town. Could not eat. Engulfed in loneliness and sadness — cost my tongue the taste and eyes the sleep. This night must come to an end. Either I sleep or die.
And it has come to an end. I have slept. I have slept for two hours, thus a little sanity was bestowed upon me.
