Boost Your Rational Thinking: 5 Essential Conversation Skills
Diversity: A Catalyst for Unity or Division?
Diversity isn’t a human construct; it’s a fact of life. The pressing question we face is whether we will allow diversity to tear society apart or use it to weave society together. Every human is born with a brain that scans for threats five times per second. When we encounter differing points of view, our primitive brain triggers stress and defensiveness, often leading to a desire to lash back. This reaction is prevalent across the ideological spectrum, whether you’re a Democrat or a Republican.
Labels themselves aren’t the issue; the problem arises when we forget that humans are not static. We continuously evolve, regress, and evolve again. To solve persistent problems and unite people, we must recognize and relate to our shared humanity, not exploit it.
Today, I’ll teach you five simple skills to reduce emotional defenses and turn contentious issues into constructive conversations, enabling us to take action together.
How “Slam Dunking” Backfires
I used to be what we’d call a “culture warrior.” I turned potentially healthy discussions into toxic debates because I felt the need to win. I believed I was right, and anyone who disagreed was wrong. But was I making progress? Absolutely not. I was making my critics more defensive and dogmatic.
If your goal is to boast about your victories and claim you’ve “slam-dunked” your opponent, then fine. But understand that you have no credibility to complain that the other side isn’t changing. They have no incentive to change because you haven’t given them one.
The 5-Part Toolkit
Engaging with others effectively requires a toolkit that helps us understand where people are coming from and allows us to be understood as well. It shifts the paradigm from either/or to both/.
Skill #1: Breathe Deeply
The first skill is to breathe deeply. It might sound trivial, but deep breathing is crucial. Under stress, we tend to take shallow breaths, depriving our brain of the oxygen it needs to transition from the hyperemotional ego region to the more evolved prefrontal cortex, where cognition and emotion coexist.
Skill #2: Create Common Ground
The second skill is to proactively create common ground. Instead of hoping you’ll find something unifying before diving into differences, acknowledge the multifaceted nature of individuals. Say, “I know we’ll disagree on this issue, but I also know you are more than just this issue. Can you remember the same about me?”
Skill #3: Ask a Sincere Question
The third skill is to ask a sincere question before stating your position. Be a leader who doesn’t need to be right instantly. Ask, “What do you think I’m missing about where you’re coming from? Be my teacher.” This approach builds credibility, allowing you to be their teacher later on.
Skill #4: Listen to Learn
The fourth skill is to listen to learn, not to win. If you’re listening to win, you’re poking holes in the other’s arguments rather than trying to learn. Approach with the mindset, “I have something to learn; I’m not here to change your mind. Quite the opposite, I hope you’ll change mine because maybe I don’t get it.”
Skill #5: Ask “Tell Me More”
The fifth skill is to ask another question, starting with “Tell me more.” This phrase can disarm hostility and foster deeper understanding. For example, a deputy superintendent of police used this approach during a heated town hall meeting about homelessness. An activist called him a “token,” and instead of reacting defensively, he responded, “Tell me more.” This unexpected response led to a constructive dialogue and collaboration.
The Most Uncomfortable Question
These skills are informed by behavioral science. Practicing them won’t magically create harmony, but it will significantly increase the chances of healthy outcomes in contentious conversations — assuming you want healthy outcomes.
This leads us to a crucial question: What are you really in this for? Are you in it to solve the problem or to feel morally superior? Only you can decide — choose wisely.
By integrating these skills into our interactions, we can transform diversity from a source of division into a force for unity.
