You’ll Never Make a (Genuine) Connection Until You Stop Doing This One Thing
And avoid it consistently to thrive together
Most people believe love means to ‘fix’ someone.
They take up the role of a saviour in the relationship, assuming another person is their responsibility. Like lifeguards, they jump into the water to save others without realising the other person might know how to swim.
Sounds relatable?
Well, I too have been that person.
I used to believe if I could help, I’d be more valued and appreciated.
But, guess what?
That didn’t happen.
Instead, over-extending myself strained my connections and pushed people away.
Because the problem is:
Offering unsolicited help and validating your own worth through it suffocates relationships.
It takes away the autonomy of individuals. And everything revolves around your need to help rather than their desire to be helped.
The Ego Behind Saviour Complex
The tendency to ‘save’ others at the cost of your well-being is called the ‘saviour complex’ or ‘messiah complex’.
Sure, it sounds good on the surface.
How can wanting to help somebody be wrong, right?
But here’s the thing:
The deep need to feel good about yourself drives Saviour-complex.
People derive a sense of self-worth by basing their value on their capacity to protect others. Offering help makes them feel superior.
According to Dr Maury Joseph, a psychologist in Washington, D.C., saviour tendencies often involve fantasies of omnipotence. This means you believe that no one can help others how you can.
In doing so, you start to:
- think you know what’s best for others
- feel people are taking you for granted
- force others to change a specific behaviour
- solve something you may not have the skill to do
- make people feel they are not good enough as they are
And that’s the perfect way to hurt any bond.
If you want to create a genuine connection, stop taking it on your ego to ‘fix’ another person.
People don’t need solutions. They need to feel accepted.
Everyone craves the same thing — acceptance.
Be there for others without a list of improvements you think would make them better.
As David Benett, a counsellor says:
“You should enter into relationships because you share common values and have a connection. If you are entering a committed relationship to change your partner then [they’re a] project, not a partner”
Love doesn’t mean to ‘fix’. It means to see someone for who they are and hold space for their individuality.
It is okay to expect growth. But, understand you cannot change the fundamental thing about someone. Plus, their decisions, behaviour and actions are not for you to control.
People change when they want to. They take a step when they want to. And they can be helped when they want to.
The stunningly simple ways to stop fixing people
There is hope for the saviour in you.
You don’t have to ruin your relationships by giving in to the messiah complex.
By reflecting on your unmet needs, managing emotions, and appreciating differences, you can create a genuine connection.
1. Become aware of your intentions
When I realised my motive behind offering help was people-pleasing, it shocked me.
But, it gave me clarity about my need for external validation. And I worked on building my sense of worth within me.
Guess, what did I realise?
When you are secure about who you are, others feel safe around you too. The energy you give out into the world is what you attract.
So, start by taking some time away for yourself. Reflect on your intentions and question the motivation behind them.
Are you trying to help because of your insecurities?
Is it a way to distract yourself from dealing with your own problems?
Find what makes you jump to the rescue and the inherent desire hidden beneath it. Address them with self-compassion. And trust people to take care of themselves.
2. Set Personal Boundaries
Boundaries are to relationships as fences are to gardens. They protect them.
Setting clear limitations helps regulate your actions and stops you from overstretching yourself. Plus, it allows you to be mindful of not violating others’ Boundaries.
What does it mean to set healthy boundaries?
- Support, do not suffocate
- Respect people’s need for space
- Listen without offering unwanted advice.
- Ask questions instead of making assumptions.
- Understand you’re not responsible for others’ choices.
3. Replace ‘help’ with ‘care’
When you genuinely care about another person, you receive that care back.
Instead of solving a specific problem, focus on their well-being and support them without a personal agenda. Be an enabler in their growth, but do not force them to follow your idea of it.
For instance:
Encourage your partner to feel their feelings and do what’s best for them instead of telling them what should they do. Or cheer a friend when they are dealing with a difficult situation instead of doing the work for them.
Protecting each others’ freedom and individuality is the key to building a beautiful bond.
Final Thoughts
Creating a genuine connection is no magic.
It’s work.
Be willing to make efforts, and outgrow unhealthy habits to create deep relationships. By choosing to care instead of fix, you not only honour others’ autonomy but also create space for mutual growth.
Now, before you go:
Tell me in the comments: Are you helping to boost your self-esteem or feel in control?
Thank you for reading!
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