But Enough About You
Does that mean I’m a narcissist?
The reason I ask, is because I’ve never been sure. As soon as the concept of “narcissism” cropped up for me, I started chewing on it. And, of course, living through the Trump master class on the subject, this self-examination took on more urgency.
It’s no wonder that I would wonder; I have a big ego, I spend most of my time in my head, I’m extremely subjective — and don’t really understand other people’s experiences until I’ve run them through the meatgrinder of my own, and while I almost never remember the plots of anything, I remember vividly how I felt about them.
I often don’t even remember the actual substance of good friends’ crises — Did a husband die? Was a breast removed? Did their house burn down? —I just know that something really bad happened, and it made me feel awful.
On the other hand, is ego the enemy of good personhood? I don’t think so. And I certainly don’t see a problem with an ego that’s big and sturdy, as opposed to one that’s weak and fragile.
As far as living in my own head, where else could I live? Outside of factual matters, I most often learn through contemplation… mulling… puzzling things through - or simply by opening my mind until I see the shape of my answer. Not by trying on somebody else’s.
And though I admit I feel bad when I can’t remember if I’m talking to a widow or a cancer survivor, it doesn’t take that long to excavate the facts, and the feelings are 100% genuine. That’s why they stay with me for so long, and with such power.
Yes, I could see a psychologist and really go after this. But what for? If I discover that I am, what will change? I have a lot of friends who count on me for emotional support and love. Whether or not their spouse died in a house fire. What if it makes their own feelings suspect to discover I’m a crypto-narcissist, and they’ve wasted their time and energy in loving me?
And if I’m not, then I’m not, and I just spent money I don’t have on therapy I didn’t need.
This is why I’m never sure. Narcissist / not a narcissist?
Mental quirk? Or pathology?
Just the way my mind works? Or a problem to be solved?
Does it even matter, as long as I’m kind?
I think I’ll go with that one.
