Call off the Search – Your Life’s Purpose Is Right in Front of You
One simple shift in perspective changes everything.
In my twenties and thirties, I was always looking for “my purpose” like I was a medieval knight in search of the Holy Grail.
I’m sure it’s just around the next corner — I’ll get another degree! If I slay this one inner dragon, it will surely appear — more therapy! Personal growth seminars! Professional development conferences! Not there? Let me try over there — a career change!
And so it went for two decades trying to find that one elusive “passion” that I could stake my flag into as my own. I charged from one pursuit to the next with eager enthusiasm, but as time went on, I began to feel less and less like the courageous Knights of the Round Table and more and more like their Monty Python doppelgängers.
Then children arrived, and it seemed I’d missed my chance — at least for the next five to ten years. Parenting and finding one’s purpose felt completely at odds with each other. Children require so much of our time, particularly when they are young, it doesn’t leave much time for the solo pursuits of our younger days.
Motherhood was my next attempt at finding my purpose. Maybe being a mother is my true purpose? I thought. The belief that if I raised good humans I would be fulfilling my purpose in life was enticing as well. But ultimately, that didn’t work either.
The “dream job” was never quite right and the work of parenting can be so mundane and challenging at times, I’d sometimes ask, “Is this it? Is this all there is?” Both approaches didn’t yield the depth of fulfillment and clarity that I was looking for and left me wondering about the meaning of my life. And if we do not have clarity on a deeper purpose of our life, the general responsibilities of life (paying the mortgage, the car loan, filing taxes, etc.) and parenting can seem like a hurdle to discovering true purpose.
But then I realized the way we view purpose is all wrong, and that is when everything changed.
From a very young age children are asked “What do you want to be when you grow up?” With this understanding of purpose, the implication is that we need to find a role, job or profession that allows us to fulfill our purpose and to truly “be” ourselves in the world. However, there are so many external variables that influence one’s ability to find the perfect role that this leaves many people perpetually seeking their purpose.
Only 25% of adults report having a sense of purpose. If a person doesn’t find that one deeply fulfilling role in life, they can be left feeling like they are not fulfilling their personal potential or to some degree, even failing; purpose anxiety is a real thing.
Purpose, however, is our birthright.
According to Oxford Languages, it is defined as “the reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists.” With this definition, our purpose is the reason for which we were created or exist, and ultimately, the reason we are here on Earth.
Let’s do a thought experiment here and say that an event happens where a person loses both their profession and family. If that were to happen, does that person still have the right to exist? Of course, we would say a resounding “Yes!” When people lose their roles, they still have a purpose in this world, even if it seems unclear at first. The reason why we get so confused about our purpose is because we think it’s a role. But if we separate our purpose from the roles we play, we can actually begin to get clarity on what our true purpose is.
If our roles are not our purpose what is? It has to be something that we can never lose and no matter what we are doing is always accessible to us.
There is a historical story that mindfulness teacher Sharon Salzburg recounts in Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness that illustrates what having purpose truly means. She shares the story of Ashoka, an emperor in northern India who lived approximately two hundred and fifty years after Buddha.
Ashoka was known for being a ruthless ruler who was determined to expand his empire, no matter the cost. After one particularly bloody and deadly battle that he waged, he walked through the ruins and carnage and became horrified by the destruction he had caused. Salzburg writes:
Just then a Buddhist monk came walking across the battlefield. The monk did not say a word, but his being was radiant with peace and happiness. Seeing that monk, Ashoka thought, “Why is it that I, having everything in the world, feel so miserable? Whereas this monk has nothing in the world apart from the robes he wears and the bowl he carries, yet he looks so serene and happy in this terrible place.”
Ashoka made a momentous decision on that battlefield. He pursued the monk and asked him, “Are you happy? If so, how did this come to be?” In response, the monk who had nothing introduced the emperor who had everything to the Buddha’s teachings. As a consequence of this chance encounter, Ashoka devoted himself to the practice and study of Buddhism and changed the entire nature of his reign. He stopped waging imperialistic wars. He no longer allowed people to go hungry. He transformed himself from a tyrant into one of history’s most respected rulers, acclaimed for thousands of years after as just and benevolent.
Ashoka’s son and daughter brought Buddhism from India to Sri Lanka where it then spread to Burma, Thailand and throughout the rest of the world.
What is incredibly powerful about this story is that the monk changed the course of the world without trying to. He didn’t set out with an agenda to reform a tyrant into a compassionate ruler, end wars, or even spread Buddhist teachings; but by doing the inner work that let his peace and happiness naturally radiate, he did all those things and left a lasting mark on the world.
Salzburg puts it beautifully:
One person’s serenity changed the course of history… We can be that monk walking across the battlefield. That is our birthright. Our own happiness can change history, and it does.
Purpose, when truly understood, explains the meaning of Joseph Campbells’ popular phrase “Follow your bliss.” It doesn’t mean chase external pursuits; it means follow your unique thread of happiness until you find lasting joy within yourself. Then share that with the world.
Our true purpose never leaves us wondering “Is this all?” It is something that we can work on embodying every second of our life because there are truly endless opportunities to work on cultivating our purpose and bringing it into the world. It is not particular to a role, set of circumstances, or any external factors. As long as we breathe and are conscious, we can always be living our purpose. This means that whatever moment passes before us (ones we prefer and those we don’t prefer) is enhanced because it passed before us. If we are truly living our life’s purpose, we are always fulfilling the reason for which we were created and exist.
Of course, there will be many, many times we will not embody the way that we want to be in the world and fall short of our own purpose. However, even in the falling we are still living it because we are using that moment to learn from and grow. In some cases, we may fall a thousand times in the same way before we stop making the same mistake, but as long as our deepest intention remains to live our purpose, we bring greater awareness each time we fall and our commitment to practicing our purpose is naturally strengthened.
Ultimately, that is what purpose is — a practice.
It’s a practice worthy of devoting our life to until our last breath. So a profession and raising children are too limited to possibly be our purpose. We need to ask ourselves, “What purpose is worthy of my life?”
Is it finding the source of your own true, unwavering happiness? Is it embodying a loving heart with everyone you meet? Is it choosing to use all of your life toward your inner growth as a human being? Is it having the intention to raise all the moments that pass before you? Once we stop seeking purpose in roles, then our own true purpose arises from the stillness within and we start to align all of our life toward supporting that purpose.
The answer to that question for me now is becoming a loving being who radiates unconditional love to all human beings. Both my professional roles and parenting are practices to cultivate that type of love, but it’s very clear those roles are not my purpose. Even if it takes a lifetime (or several) to fulfill my purpose, it’s one that feels worthy of all the moments of my life.
Once we answer the question of purpose for ourselves, it’s clear that everything in life becomes an opportunity to practice. Like a musician, we don’t sit down and expect to play the guitar like a virtuoso in one day. No, we pick our instrument up everyday over and over again in the pursuit of one day playing our favorite song. Then, as we put in more and more work, we become more accomplished overtime. We may never quite be a virtuoso, but even still, we are going to learn how to do pretty amazing things in the process.
Every day, whether at home or at work, becomes a playground in which we can practice our purpose at every turn. When we aim our life in its highest direction and use all of our experiences to practice our purpose, we naturally come to embody love, patience, compassion and all the highest characteristics of humanity wherever we go. As Ghandi said, “My life is my message,” and so, our life becomes our message, too.
Purpose provides a depth of clarity about why we are here and why we wake up every day and begin again. It is not dependent on a job, people or any external circumstances. The only thing it depends on is ourselves, and knowing that gives us the deeply fulfilling experience of life that we are searching for.
It’s time to call off the search because our purpose is right here waiting for us — and it has been all along.
“There is in you something that waits and listens for the sound of the genuine in yourself… that is the only true guide that you will ever have.”
— Howard Thurman
With gratitude for the teachings of Gangaji, Michael Singer and Sharon Salzburg.
About me: Mom of two, wife, writer and podcast co-host who is fascinated by the intersection of parenting and spirituality — one seeker exploring the wild experience of being a parent and being human. For more reflections on parenting and spirituality, follow me on Medium and subscribe to my free newsletter: aparentspurpose.substack.com.
© Caitlin Frauton. All rights reserved.
