Written by a fellow INFJ -going on nobody.
Caught Between Creation and Acceptance
My Quiet Struggle with Expression
Dear [whoever you are]:
While sitting at my desk attempting to finish my book, I found myself struggling immensely to express my thoughts as I neared completion. Despite my best efforts, my thoughts seemed to be slipping away. — [Who would’ve thought that this was possible, right? When they’re in, they’re in… Why would they ever leave? Where do they even go?] — There was an increasing sense of urgency to type as fast as I could before they vanished completely. This was exacerbated by a bizarre feeling that something was trying to silence me. Oddly enough, I kept visualizing a book closing itself and engulfing me, trapping me inside until someone reopened it.
What’s even more strange is that, to this day, sharing what’s inside me is still not possible which has led to creating less. I have very little, if anything, to give right now. I resort to small talk, “Nice weather we’re having” — ugh…really? Ironically, “the weather” is about the only topic I seem able to discuss successfully lately. It’s quite embarrassing and drives me off the wall. I once believed I had the eloquence to articulate even my most complex and abstract ideas, but it seems that skill is lost, at least for now… [Oh the drama.] I truly cannot carry out this task with the sort of thoughts and feelings I’ve been experiencing lately; I can’t explain any of it… Maybe I don’t understand them fully? I doubt I ever will. Unless I’m nearing lunacy?
Recently, while on my morning jog, I was listening to an educational video when I was hit by a sudden wave of depression and anxiety. I should say: the “I” was hit by a sudden wave of depression and anxiety. For some reason “I” attributed that feeling to the video, so “I” simply changed the video to one with a calm tone to it and no words, hoping to find relief from the depression and anxiety symptoms I was experiencing — because “now is not the time for this”, a naïve thought; I know better but sometimes I think I have a say in things. Anyway. The symptoms worsened and now with the addition of nausea, so “I” stopped the video. “I” felt better almost instantly; maybe it was all psychosomatic. Not long after, “I” found a perfect place to sit in the forest. Sitting there, “I” closed my eyes and listened to nature speak which brought me much-needed stability. Within minutes, perhaps seconds, thoughts seeped in as they naturally do.
[Side note:
1. It’s gross how many times I’ve used “I.”
2. I realize that the transition to writing “I” was implemented at a completely arbitrary moment.
3. Writing in this manner is helpful: it helps me see things in a different light, such as bringing awareness to how self-centered one can become without realizing it, which I want to reduce. Additionally, it pushes the ego aside, creating a buffer and lessening the importance the “I” often places on matters.]
Life has an interesting way of pulling us in certain directions. That day in the forest, sitting alone in silence, I knew that was where I needed to be — sometimes we just know…
Regardless of what has transpired, where I am now is where I’m meant to be.
Where else could we each be but right where we are?
Whether we resist or accept it, I don’t believe there is such a thing as an error or mistake. Don’t get me wrong, I still get caught in the resistance game myself, sitting on the throne of “Right,” judging how things should be as if I knew everything.
Back in the forest, I initially resisted because I have a restless tendency for productivity, which can be a blessing and a curse. I’m constantly moving or thinking of ways to improve myself, and my surroundings, or contribute to society in any way I can.
I also love to create, while I have a particular affinity for painting, I enjoy creating anything in general. Like most, if not all, without a creative outlet, I begin to wither. Additionally, helping others reduce their emotional pain is another passion of mine. Writing was a way to achieve both creation and contribution, but right now it feels impossible due to what I can only describe as a “quiet struggle”.
We know we don’t create solely for ourselves but for others to appreciate also. Even if there’s a selfish motive behind it, think about the times we give or create just to see someone else smile. Our desire for pleasure is fulfilled by bringing joy or comfort to another. Isn’t that the most beautiful thing? Whether it’s baking, painting, gardening, or writing, the urge to create something beautiful to look at, bring warmth to someone’s heart, or share wisdom through stories, appears to be a uniquely human characteristic. Maybe that’s why the ultimate Creator made all of this, so we could appreciate it to the fullest. Have you noticed how absolutely nothing is denied to us? We have access to the full experience — the highs and the lows. Sure, we need to find our way to certain experiences, other times they happen to us on their own, but all experiences are equally valuable, holding their unique purpose and thus… beauty.
Going back to: “Where else could we each be but right where we are?” — I know there’s something I need to learn from where I’m at, I just can’t figure out what it is… Or maybe I do, and I just don’t want to accept it — again… resisting.
Resisting… what are we really resisting? The people around us? The circumstance? Ourselves? All of the above? I don’t think so; I think it’s ultimately ourselves we resist. The circumstances or the people only matter to us because we are somehow connected to them. If we’re not involved, we don’t care. But if we are involved — whether we are included or excluded — the connection exists which affects us.
It’s incredibly difficult to accept oneself in a world that constantly praises improvement and the updated version of you. Even when we manage to accept ourselves, it’s often only temporary: we accept ourselves until we don’t…
This is where I’ve struggled a lot. Like where two opposite worlds meet, one is based on improvement [progress] and the other is based on acceptance [surrender]. The progressive-driven mentality has the risk of breeding feelings of superiority while simultaneously, and perhaps subconsciously, reinforcing the belief of insufficiency or inadequacy –not good enough. However, what would the world look like if we didn’t have the self-awareness that has allowed us to seek improvements?
On the other hand, the mindset of surrender and acceptance also appeals to me. However, it carries the risk of being used as a lazy cop-out or making someone vulnerable to exploitation, which is why many people resist the idea. Yet, it can also cultivate important traits such as humility and compassion. I often feel a sigh of relief when I mentally let go of the expectations and pressures that arise from the “improvement race” and allow myself to embrace “what is” by surrender and acceptance.
Until I don’t…
“In the world, but not of it”.
Living two realities simultaneously, with one foot in one realm and the other foot in another. It’s almost like being in two places at once and embodying two different personas all the time. It’s the hardest thing you’ll ever try to do, but I keep returning to the idea that this might be quite a worthwhile path, even if it’s challenging at first.
And while I continue to develop the ability to live two opposing realities simultaneously…I’m still faced with a fork in the road. Will I surrender to the involuntary “quiet struggle,” or will I resist and exert force to meet the external pressures we’ve imposed on ourselves?
Seems like a ridiculous question to ask but we are victims of this sort of internal battle constantly. That’s why writing down our thoughts and visualizing them can help us realize how absurd our thoughts — those that shape our reality and influence our behavior — can be.
Then again, who or what is ultimately deciding?
But this question is a reflection of our [my] search for control and understanding even though the world is inherently uncertain.
