CHAPTER 8: REVELATION
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They say that humans are apex predators. We have tamed great beasts, scaled towering mountains and soared through the stars. Earlier, humans had a distinct place in the food chain, particularly as mammals, who could easily be defeated if not for their ingenuity. One thing that we managed to achieve is to domesticate animals, leading to the creation of ‘herd animals.’ We somehow managed to domesticate cattle. Now, humans are switching their targets to something else, other humans. We are all herd animals, at least that’s what I felt like after my huge blunder.
To think that I had managed to hurt another person, and not just any other person, but the girl I had fallen for. No amount of penance in the world would be enough for me. To think that I had let my irrationality take a hold of me, even though it was clear that she needed me to support her in whichever way I could. Instead, I treated her like she had wronged me, all because I was gullible enough to be swayed by the opinion of some stranger. I had to fix this, one way or the other.
October 25th,2016. I did not realise that morning had arrived. Most of the previous night was spent in tears, but even the tears ran dry. Following this, I hopelessly lay in bed, with a gaping hole in my chest, as the VOID was starting to make a comeback. Violet had cut me off, and there was no way I could reach her. Poor girl, the things she must be going through. All I did was to sweep in and make her day worse.
As I was wallowing in my own misery, a voice startled me.
“Hey, get up!” said the voice. It felt familiar, eerily familiar.
I got up to see who was the speaker. To my horror, standing near the bedside window, was a man who I knew all too well. Who was this man? It was me! I was hallucinating! I was seeing an imaginary version of myself! Dear God, not only was I hollow now but also a schizophrenic!
“Oh no, please no! I’m normal, I’m normal, I’m normal! I’m perfectly fine,” I said, as terror overtook me. Out of desperation, I tried to slap myself across the cheek, hoping that it was a dream, but it only ended up hurting.
The figure started to walk closer towards me. In almost all aspects, he was me, but at the same time he wasn’t. He seemed more confident, stronger and somehow more content. He was more, content.
“We should probably stop doing that,” said the figure, as he took notice of my self-inflicted pain.
“Besides, one doesn’t wake up from dreams by slapping themselves to death,” said he. I felt a bit of relief due to the fact that this was a dream, and also that I wasn’t a schizophrenic.
“What- what are you!?” I said with horror.
“Relax buddy, I’m ‘we’. Well I mean us and by that I mean you!” he replied.
“What is that supposed to mean!?” I exclaimed.
“I’m your sense of self-worth Robin, and we need to have a talk. Right now!” said the figure, as he took a seat on my office chair.
“Talk about what?” I asked.
“You know exactly what. Violet!” the doppelganger replied.
“What’s there to talk about? She’s gone,” I said, as I sat down on the bed.
The doppelganger started to applaud slowly, almost like he was mocking me.
“Wow man! Just wow,” he said, as the slow cartoonish applause continued, “I didn’t think that you’d give up this easily.”
“She doesn’t need me, I mean look at me! I’m a monster. I’m selfish, ugly, rude, unkind, dumb, idiotic, cruel, arrogant and an as-” before I could curse, I felt a sharp stinging sensation across my left cheek. The doppelganger had slapped me.
“Ow!” I exclaimed.
“Now you listen here! You may feel like she doesn’t need you, but guess who does?” he asked, as he looked me straight in the eye.
“Nobody,” I said, as tears started to roll down my cheek again.
I felt another slap across my face, as he opened his mouth to speak, “No you idiot! WE need you, and by ‘we’ I mean ‘I’, as in your sense of self-worth. Every time you go into one of your ‘episodes’, I suffer! And if this goes on for a few more times, I’ll stop existing. You know what happens after your self-worth has disappeared?”
“Wh-what?” I said, as I wiped away my tears.
“You become a walking android, devoid of any feelings at all. You start to see that everything around you has no meaning. You become a machine, carrying on with the same routine. Then after that, there is nothing, no art, no music, no creativity. Nothing!”
“What does thi-this have to do with Violet?” I managed to ask.
“Have you noticed yourself around her? How happy you are? How confident you feel? It’s like you don’t bother at all with what the world says about you once you’re with her. You’re a whole different person! Am I right?” said the doppelganger, as he took a seat beside me.
“Ye-yes,” I replied.
“You get what I’m sayin’? Violet does wonders for us, and by us I mean ‘we’, and by we I mean your sense of self-worth,” said he.
“Bu-but, what am I supposed to do? I already said those things to her,” I replied.
Surprisingly, his voice took a softer tone, as if he was comforting me. He said, “Look, you’ve made a mistake, but that’s not the end of it. You know the wrong that you’ve committed Robin, and that’s good. Now, all you need to do is own up.”
“How?” I asked, hoping for an easy answer.
“You know how. By being there for her. She’s going through a tough time and guess what? You’re one of the few people she trusts. Even if she doesn’t want you there, at least, find her. Apologize to her, that will make her conscience clearer,” he replied, as he put a comforting hand on my shoulder.
I knew that I was dreaming, but how I wished it was real. I never had someone like that in my life, one who was there to show me the way. Growing up, my father never talked ‘man-to-man’ with me, and my mother was mostly busy trying to discipline me in the strictest of ways. Perhaps that’s why I was so gullible, because I tried to find that guidance in each and every person I came across.
After a brief moment of silence, he continued, “Find her Robin, own up to her. Lay your heart out on a platter and seek forgiveness, and I know that she will accept you, just as you accept and support her. Be her shelter Robin, support her with all your life, and she’ll do the same for you.”
I nodded in reply. He smiled, as he continued, “Good, that’s what you are supposed to do. That’s why you’re her guy, because she feels safe around you. As a man, you must value, cherish and stick with her, no matter what. Got it?”
Even though it was a dream, I somehow managed to smile. I replied, “Got it.”
“I hope you did. Otherwise, I’ll make sure you have sleepless nights as long as I’m alive. And by ‘I’, I mean ‘we’. And by ‘we’, I mean-”
I interrupted him, “Yes yes, my ‘sense of self-worth.’”
“Good, you’re learning,” he said, as he got up from the bed.
“So, what now?” I asked.
“Well, now you have to wake up,” he replied.
“How will I do that?”
He seemed hesitant, but he said, “Well, I’ll wake you up. You’re not gonna like what comes next.”
“What?” I asked.
Without saying much, he curled his hand into a fist, and began to take aim at my face.
“Wait! WAIT-” I exclaimed, but my hopeless cries of mercy could not reach him, as his fist made contact with my face and darkness enveloped me.
The darkness around me was dismissed by a sharp ringing sound. It was my alarm clock set for 7:00 am. I jolted up from my bed, falling off of it in the process. Taking a minute to recollect myself, I got up on my feet. My bedsheets were soaking wet from my sweat, and my clothes were drenched.
It was a school day, but I knew that I would not attend. I had a clear goal in mind. I was assigned a mission, and the stakes were too high incase I failed. Now, I was determined. I was going to find Violet and apologize to her.
