Closing the Gap Between Who You Are and Who You Want to Be
Focus on what you can control and why it matters.
Being the person you want to be is hard. Really hard. It’s so much easier to be the person you are. Yet most of us are always striving to change, to be more this, less that. Corporations know this, and it’s reflected in the advertising that spurs us to look better, dress better, clean better, drive better. We are always striving, working to improve ourselves or merely wishing we were different. So why aren’t we?
Because change is hard.
I call the space between the person you are and the person you want to be the Gap. The Gap arises when we have a value or goal that doesn’t match our current behavior.
Here’s an example. About 10 years ago, I decided we were going to eat better. I was going to clean up my diet and eat more fruits and vegetables, and I was going to serve delicious, organically grown vegetables to my family at every meal. This aligned with my values of being healthy, being a good mom, and taking care of the planet. So, I signed up for a share in a local CSA (community supported agriculture), where we would get a box of vegetables from a local farm every week during the summer. When the first box arrived, I was stunned by the huge mound of…green. I looked at the bunches of green in every shade, vegetables I’d never seen before and couldn’t identify, so many vegetables, more than we’d eat in a month. My husband came up behind me and peered over my shoulder. “But we don’t even like vegetables,” he pointed out. And therein lies the Gap. We don’t even like vegetables, so how were we going to be a family that ate lots of veggies at every meal?
How do the best intentions get sidetracked?
What gets in the way of meaningful change, aside from the logistical constraints of daily life?
Looking back, I can easily see a number of mistakes. First, I set my bar too high. Going from almost no produce to lots of veggies at every meal was too big a leap. I had unrealistic expectations. It’s much easier to close a small gap than a big gap. A much more attainable goal would have been to have a small salad on the table at dinner, or cook one new vegetable per week. I tried to change too much at once. Part of unrealistic expectations is impatience. When we make a change, we want to see results NOW. Of course, it doesn’t happen that way, and it takes a lot of frustration tolerance to stick it out.
Second, I imposed my value on others, who had no interest in eating better. Behavior change has to be under your control, and the only thing you can control is your own behavior. As long as your plan involves changing someone else, you’re doomed to fail.
Third, I lacked the skills necessary to execute this. Not having been a vegetable eater, I really didn’t know how to cook them. I also didn’t have the time back then to invest in learning how to do so. I didn’t prepare enough in advance to be able to execute my plan once I set it in motion.
Fourth, and this is the kicker, I succumbed to The Critic. The Critic is the voice in your head that beats you up for making mistakes. What went through my mind when I opened that box? After, “Oh my God there’s so much green!” I thought, “I should have known this wasn’t going to work.” The trouble with The Critic is that she (or he) tries to convince you that not only was it a mistake to try to change, but that it’s pointless to keep going.
Closing the Gap
Will you ever completely be the person you want to be, inside and out? Probably not, but you can get closer. What does it take to close the Gap?
1. Set the bar low. Pick just one aspect of yourself to work on, and ask what is the smallest change you can make starting this week? Once you’ve got it down, add the next smallest change, and so on. Embrace the concept of some is better than none.
2. Plan ahead. Set yourself up for success by making it easy to do the new behavior. Get the materials you’ll need ahead of time, think through when, where and how you’ll do it, and then set your intention.
3. Keep track. Track your behavior, not the outcome, daily or weekly. Get a blank calendar and just make a check mark on the days you do your desired behavior.
4. Pat yourself on the back each time you do anything even resembling the new behavior. Didn’t eat a salad but put some greens on your burger? Yay! Patting yourself on the back will quiet The Critic.
5. Keep your eye on the why. Remind yourself why you’re eating lettuce instead of fries, or why you’re putting money into savings instead of online shopping. Reminding yourself of your values and goals can make choosing the new behavior easier.
6. Be patient. Changing behavior is more like turning a container ship than a speed boat. It’s very slow and often requires assistance. Identify your tugboats.
7. Accept who you are. As it turns out, I am not the person who eats an organic, plant-based diet free of sugar and processed foods. I know now I will never be that person. But I can continue to eat a small amount of produce at each meal. And if I forget, I tell The Critic to shut it and gently remind myself to have some next time.
