Connection Between Leadership and Emotional Vulnerability: Is It a Strength or a Weakness?
Lessons from My 3-Decade Long Career
Do you often wonder if emotional vulnerability is a positive or a negative?
Does it make you a weak leader? Will showing emotion make people judge you? Should I try to be more emotionally vulnerable? Won’t I get hurt?
If you have these questions, you are not alone. The fear of vulnerability is often a common fear.
As I grew up, I absorbed a belief that difficult emotions (sadness, disappointment) are signs of weakness and should be kept private. I only sometimes shared them with my mother. But in life, as my responsibilities expanded, I found ways to manage everyday life more calmly.
I am a “do it ” person. I learned my lessons from trial and error.
It was not until much later that I discovered a term for it: emotional vulnerability. I resonate with the way Nick Wignall.
Nick Wignall defines it in simple terms. It is the willingness to acknowledge your emotions, especially the painful ones.
People who are more emotionally vulnerable are more likely to be perceived as trustworthy and likable, according to a 2016 study.
Today I’d like to share some of my important lessons, showing how emotional vulnerability is a strength and not a weakness. Additionally, I will share some tools and steps to embrace emotional vulnerability.
The situations and triggers may be different for you, but perhaps they will spark your curiosity to address them and try self-compassion.
1. Shattering Perfectionism to Boost Creativity
In my early design career, I held a belief that the design methods I had learned were the best path to flawless results. That this output was perfect.
At the time, I didn’t realize that others would have their own ideas about what is best.
Over time, I realized that perfectionism limits rather than extend options. It would also reinforce the worry that it might not get done on time and, if it did, whether people would like it.
So, I adopted the concept of minimum viable products and iterative design through the study of creative thinking methods. This opened my mind to agile methods of achieving a good quality output.
These methods taught me to aim for excellence and not perfectionism. Flexibility and not rigidity.
Reflecting, I began accepting that not everyone would like everything, especially in places with a wide audience, like social media. I gave myself permission to make mistakes and show self-compassion. I still strive for the best output but being self-aware of the intent behind the effort makes the process of creation a joy.
Overcoming the limits of perfectionism led me to design with freedom and joy. The products of the work were appreciated and unexpectedly won innovation awards in the workplace, even in Brandon Hall.
Takeaway: Paying attention to the emotion of fear and supporting it released the energy that was stuck in “perfection”. I just need to observe the feelings quietly without trying to overlay them with more likeable ones. By doing this daily for small things, you build the muscle.
2. Emotional Vulnerability in Supporting Team
I was once leading a large team, 60+ team members. During a peak period of project workloads, I was thrilled to see one of my team members return from a long personal leave.
Then I observed him moving around restlessly and not settling in. Eventually, I walked up to him and struck a casual conversation. I asked how he was doing and he melted into visible distress. He said, “I have not been able to relocate my family. My mother and wife could not reduce their notice periods at work, so I couldn’t move them. ”
I asked him how I could help. I suggested that perhaps an extension of his personal leave might offer him the extra time he needed to relocate his family.
We arranged additional leave for him, and upon his return, he was settled and ready to dive back in.
Takeaway: Being emotionally aware and flexible enabled me to support my team better and enable them to do their best.
3. Building Bonds by Being Relatable
I recall an instance when I had used a new technology to create a training design. Unexpectedly, during a workshop already in progress, I was asked to share my experiences in front of a somewhat skeptical and critical audience.
Despite my confidence in the work I’d done, I found myself questioning my ability to convey the points in an easy way.
So, I stood there a few seconds, calibrating where to start and sensing a surge of apprehension rising.
At that moment, spontaneously, I said, “I am nervous with all the eyes on me,” and gave a smile. With that, my fear and doubt detached from my voice, allowing words to flow.
Someone in the crowd praised my vulnerability.
A simple statement of my feelings seemed to dissolve tension in the room. No longer was I just a speaker on a stage, but a colleague sharing their apprehensions about the change.
Takeaway: Being candid about your emotions can help dissolve tension. Others will able to relate to you.
4. Strengthening Relationships by Lowering Defences
As a working parent, I often felt guilty about taking time away from my child to attend to work.
I felt exhausted from the day’s struggles and crises, and even though I tried to disconnect, feelings of worry, anger, and fatigue persisted. Even a harmless remark about forgetting to pay a bill by a family member, sometimes triggered a deeper pain.
I was not able to communicate in a calm way what had happened. And I would become defensive, explaining that I was exhausted, and no one understood me.
One day, during such a conversation, it struck me what I was doing, and I spoke to my coach. While I usually do not discuss personal thoughts, being receptive to their advice was helpful.
Afterwards, I realized I needed to acknowledge the painful feelings inside of me and tell myself it’s okay to feel however I feel. And that it’s okay if I make a mistake or forget something.
After I’d forgive myself, it was easy for me to accept my mistake and apologize to my partner for it.
Takeaway: Taking time to acknowledge your painful emotions will help you share how you feel with others in an intimate and meaningful way.
5. How Can You Embrace Emotional Vulnerability?
From experience, I’ve deduced these three steps to embrace emotional vulnerability: realizing it, supporting it, and allowing time to process it.
- First, to realize or look at it, just see it without judging it or trying to erase or avoid it. Give it a bit of attention. For example, observe your fear. Instead of saying, “I should not be anxious or fearful”.
- Second is to support it the emotion. Supporting looks like this. You might hate being anxious, but say that it’s understandable that you feel that way given what’s going on in your life.
- Third, it time to process and then move on. Allowing time to see it and to support it lets me go forward with minimal emotions.
- Some tools from Dr. Phil to try.
Vulnerability doesn’t mean over sharing or exposing ourselves to potential harm. It requires a healthy boundary between what we choose to share and what we keep private.
It is about maintaining self-awareness.
In conclusion: Embrace emotional vulnerability, embrace growth.
Emotional vulnerability is a strength and an act of courage. It takes even more courage to talk about it with someone.
Try to practice in situations where little is at stake, practice in small pieces each day by observing them, and you will have built your muscles for larger situations. Resulting in growth in various aspects of your life.
