Control Your Ego To Save Your Relationships

Daniela Marin
ILLUMINATION
Published in
4 min readFeb 6, 2023

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I need a minute of your time for a quick psychological assessment.

Do you struggle with…?

  • Taking criticism or feedback and viewing it as a personal attack
  • Needing to be right or have the last word
  • Seeking constant validation and attention from others
  • Blaming others
  • Lack of self-awareness and insight into your flaws and negative impact on others
  • A sense of entitlement or feeling like you deserve special treatment

If you answered yes to most of these, you might be dealing with an unexamined big ego — or maybe someone you know does!

image by RODNAE Productions at Pexels

Editorial Disclaimer: This article reflects the opinions and perspectives of the author. It does not represent the publication’s point of view nor implies our endorsement. The contents of this post can only be taken as an opinion. We always recommend that any information on the subject be appropriately documented with professional references.

A big ego often results from a lack of effort in personal growth and introspection. Without self-reflection, our egos can grow stronger with time and start to control our actions and thoughts. So keep this in mind, and let me help you make an effort towards taking serene control over your Ego.

Understanding the Ego and its role in the shadow can be incredibly powerful for personal growth and healing. So, let’s get started!

What is the Ego?

The Ego is the conscious part of our psyche that helps us navigate the world and make decisions. However, it can also be a source of resistance and denial when facing our shadow.

What is the function/purpose of the Ego?

The function of the Ego is to organize aspects of our inner world and export that information to our outer world in ways that feel “comfortable” (though not necessarily healthy).

An unexamined and untrained Ego can lead to significant problems in our interpersonal and intrapersonal relationships. When we see these relationships fail, we may not realize that our self-sabotaging behavior is ego-driven.

The key to addressing your repetitive, unhelpful patterns is to become aware of when the Ego is taking over and actively work on letting go of insecurities and old wounds. Thus, it all starts with recognizing your Ego and learning how to control it.

Techniques To Increase Ego Awareness and Control:

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#1 Identify your Ego:

Get a journal and write down the characteristics, behaviors, triggers, and feelings that stem from your Ego.

Moreover, take note of your ego functions using this example:

• “I am scared of rejection, so my ego acts overly prideful or avoids situations where there are risks of rejection.”

• “I do not like to be disrespected, so when others raise their voice at me or do not show respect, my ego attacks them or acts condescending.”

#2 Mindfulness:

When you notice those ego-driven thoughts creeping in, take a step back and observe them without judgment. Label the emotions you are experiencing, see where in your body you feel them, and notice the urges and actions that the emotions are causing. And do NOTHING.

For a deeper dive, try the technique of “watch the thinker.”

I love this technique I learned from “The Power of Now.” To use it with the Ego, sit down in a comfortable space, find your grounding, and play out a recent problem that’s bothering you. Watch your ego talk and allow the thoughts. Try to see them for what they are — just thoughts.

If you would like to pursue a more solution-focused approach, after watching the thinker, take notes of unhelpful narratives and try reframing each.

#3 Reframe unproductive thoughts

Let’s say you are struggling in your romantic relationship, and you catch your Ego saying, “My partner’s ex is more attractive than me. I must try to stand out”. You can improve that message with the following:

“What truly matters is how I feel about myself.”

“My partner chose me, and that is what counts.”

“Comparison only leads to negativity and serves no purpose.”

“I am causing harm to myself with these thoughts.”

Remember, it is not others who cause the most disturbance in our lives but rather our own minds.

#4 Shadow integration:

Acceptance and integration are vital to reaching the right mind. Try to identify and accept the parts of your Ego that you may have been suppressing or denying. Be honest and courageous in confronting yourself.

If you are following these steps, by this point, you should have a list of characteristics and functions that define your Ego. Next, look at the negative traits and embrace them without fear or judgment.

#5 Practice Compassion:

Develop a sense of compassion for yourself and those involved. Recognize that your ego-driven thoughts and behaviors stem from pain, insecurity, and fear.

By combating such negative ideas of you with compassion, self-love, understanding, kindness, and humility, you can reach a new level of enlightenment. Practicing compassion will help you reduce judgment, anger, and criticism and allow your body and mind to relax and release suffering.

#6 Use Affirmations to Tame Your Ego:

After becoming mindful and aware of your ego triggers and feelings, use self-talk to heal. Some helpful affirmations include:

“Ego, you are safe. No one wants to hurt you. You can let your guard down.”

“Ego, it’s okay to let go of the need to be right or in control.”

“I release my attachment to ego-driven thoughts and beliefs.”

“I choose to see things from a new perspective.”

“I embrace humility and surrender to these feelings. There is no need to act on my ego-driven urges.”

“I acknowledge my limitations and imperfections and love myself anyway.”

Taming your Ego is satisfying work! I promise! And the world would be a better place if we all did it a little bit more.

Daniela Marin, LMHC | Youtuber | Therapist

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