Conversation: the Zen of Chat
Why sail the sea of meanings?
John Lord Couper, Ph.D.
Conversation is basic to our humanity in ways that might not occur to you. By transforming how you converse, you’ll transform your experiences and your life, both professional and private.
Silence and Awareness
Ironically, silence and “listening” are part of conversation’s power. No wonder we respect someone who listens well, and notice a “pregnant pause”!
Words, though lovable and important, are just a small part of most conversations. Nonverbal messages add to, even overwhelm, words. They are a mute giant hiding within your communication, eager to support you.
We think of most conversations as a barely significant, mundane way to pass the time. Instead, learn the intensity and untamed complexity of even the simplest “ordinary” chat. Talk that is predictable, engineered and controlled is impoverished and impoverishing.
Too many people reduce conversation to a power play — validating themselves by the sound of their own voice. This is tragic. Someone trying to cleverly control a dialogue is wasting a delicious chance to learn and grow and, even more importantly, to connect a little with the deeper life of the other person.
It makes no sense to lose the chance to expand our world with this awareness. It’s also silly: most of a conversation and other people are beyond our control. Better to enjoy the ride!
Even superficial access to the inner life of another person is a privilege. Well, each word, pause, and implication is a small door into who they are and what matters to them. With a little practice, you’ll become an explorer. No conversation will ever bore you again.
Personally, I’m much more excited by what other people say, and the meanings we create together, than by hearing what I already know. I enjoy offering my meanings, but am fascinated by theirs.
Dig Deep
I was led into the depths of conversation at the University of Missouri. My Professor, Pam Benoit, showed us how to conduct the scientific research called “conversation analysis.” My 120-page research paper analyzed a river of subtleties in just nine seconds of conversation. Nine seconds! Pauses, inflections, “turn taking”, and dozens of other aspects (measured in milliseconds and music) revealed all that was being conveyed and exchanged in what seemed like a new planet.
This research was enlightening, but only rarely should we actively, consciously dissect a conversation. We have the tools to understand without conscious analysis. Let the conversation stretch and breathe.
Our bodies and subconscious are world-class experts at understanding a conversation’s currents — if only we learn to listen. Human communication was forged during thousands of fireside conversations.
Relax your ego and conscious mind, and let each one-off conversation reveal its own meanings.
Our Supreme Tool
Learning to understand the dynamic of conversation is not only enjoyable, but also wildly practical.
Prepare to make the best of it by occasionally diving analytically into a raging river: any minute of conversation (just ask — I’ll gladly send links to resources that explain how). This will train you to become alert and proactive when, for example, asking your boss for a raise, wanting a child to behave, or persuading a friend to join you at a movie. Any “boring” official meeting will become swirling meanings to anyone who embraces that special awareness wielded by the most effective people.
This places a special responsibility on us. Whatever we contribute to a conversation needs to be honest and generous, yet careful. After all, we can’t be sure of the impact of our meanings to the other person.
Caution is important, but enjoying the adventure must come first.
Naturally, writing is mostly a saved version of conversation. In fact, while writing this I imagined having a conversation with Medium readers!
Social Space
The word “conversation” comes from Latin for “turning together.” How accurate!
While talking, we create “social space” — that metaphorical landscape between two people. Within this space, we explore the home territory of the other. Each gains the delicious chance to expand their own horizon, and offer their pathways to the other person.
This concept shows how listening gives the other person an area to expand into, with the results that are surprising and enriching.
We shut down that space when we interrupt and won’t shut up. Much better is the gift of silence, which is needed for a “confab”: the story we create together.
Deep conversation is most obvious in two people blessed by years of love or friendship. So much is unsaid in the meanings blossoming between them.
We can approach this blessing by simply respecting and opening our moments to the person in front of us.
Intersubjectivity
What happens during an “ordinary” — yet deeply aware — conversation?
One explanation is suggested by a third technical term. “Intersubjectivity” suggests a mysterious perspective created within a conversation’s social space. Its is the shared discovery and creation of meanings that transcend individuals. A conversation is syncretic: fanning the flame created by the sparks from each person, yet surpassing them both.
Any conversation is intersubjective. The more we embrace and learn from this, the more we gain.
Imagine being in a supermarket, facing an array of fruits with your spouse. You need to decide which to buy, how much, whether any are at home, if they are ripe, etc. The outcome is intersubjective. Everything you say, imply, or leave unsaid expresses your thoughts and feelings about each fruit. Interlace that with what your spouse says, implies or leaves unsaid. By adding the meanings within gestures, tones of voice, facial expressions, and conclusions, insight is spontaneous.
Another, even better metaphor is two children playing gleefully together. Each has their own goals, but also celebrate the ideas and activity of the other. This turns the everyday into a kind of miracle as the game takes on a unique life of its own.
The Everyday Miracle
So I urge you to open your senses and realize that even the most ordinary conversation is a miracle of intertwining meanings, like 4D ping-pong whose ball keeps changing.
Be aware of the richness of your next conversation, on any subject. Let yourself be energized and empowered by the intersubjectivity you jointly create in the social space you share.
Now that is a conversation…
