Coping with Failures: Four Do’s and Don'ts of the Fox Under the Grape

In life’s journey, we inevitably encounter setbacks and disappointments. How to cope with them might be the single most important topic for us. In this story, I will summarize some common behavior patterns when facing difficulties based on what I have seen and experienced in my life. I hope this will be helpful to you.

Our Reaction Matters

All in all, I believe the following quote from the ancient Greek philosopher Epictetus is a great summary:

It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.

The setback itself is not the real challenge, keeping a resilient mindset is. Once we fall into despair, even a minor stumble can shatter us.

It is so important to have an effective “interpretive framework” that helps us correctly understand what is happening and decide what to do next. Believe me, a terrible interpretive framework system is more disastrous than the setbacks themselves.

The failure and unattainable goals often remind me of the “sour grapes” story from Aesop’s Fables, I like it because it cleverly reveals people’s erroneous mindset. Let’s take a look at it.

The Fox and the Grapes

Driven by hunger, a fox tried to reach some grapes hanging high on the vine but was unable to, although he leaped with all his strength. As he went away, the fox remarked ‘Oh, you aren’t even ripe yet! I don’t need any sour grapes.’ People who speak disparagingly of things that they cannot attain would do well to apply this story to themselves.

When confronted with unreachable grapes, the fox’s mindset becomes problematic. Think about it, does this Fox behave just like a kid who complains the game is not fun when he loses the game?

The illustration of the fable by François Chauveau in the first volume of La Fontaine’s fables, 1668

In real-life scenarios, people may have many other mindsets, both positive and negative ones. I will next explain them one by one through rewriting this fable. You can also try to develop your own version of the “sour grape” story, believe me, it will be fun!

Four Don’ts

Photo by Nadine Shaabana on Unsplash

When faced with setbacks, people often resort to four erroneous response patterns: denial, being irritable, being melancholy, and being distorted.

1. Denial: Fox in the original story adopts this “sour-grape” mentality. Similar examples include saying that earning money is terrible when seeing whoever gets rich, and saying that the game is no fun when losing the game. This mindset provides short-term psychological comfort but results in long-term powerlessness. The fox who says grapes are sour will never eat grapes that are actually sweet and delicious.
2. Being Irritable: An irritable fox, unable to reach the grapes, curses the vine and destroys it in anger, only to be caught by patrols nearby. Impulsive reactions lead to irrational behavior and unnecessary consequences.
3. Being Melancholy: A melancholic fox, unable to reach the grapes, sits beneath the vine in sadness, looking at the falling grape leaves and recalling of his miserable life, eventually deciding to end his life by hanging from the vine. Similar stories are repeatedly heard in our lives. Many people immerse themselves in sorrow and adopt a completely pessimistic outlook. However, a single failure does not mean the whole life is meaningless, and being melancholy just brings no benefit to us.
4. Being Distorted: A psychologically distorted fox sits beneath the vine, lamenting to every passerby about its inability to reach the grapes, regretting that he should have got the grapes, eventually losing its sanity. While it’s reasonable to analyze setbacks, allowing unresolved thoughts to intertwine may lead to resentment and drive you crazy.

All of these responses yield significant negative consequences.

Can you think of any typical characters in literature or people around you who have these negative reactions to setbacks?

Four Do’s

Photo by Jen Theodore on Unsplash

What follows are five positive responses that we could have instead.

1. Relating to others: Waiting until a villager passes by, the fox asks how to reach the high grapes. The villager then brings a ladder, and together, they take down the grapes. When coping with failure, most of the time we are not the first ones to face such difficulty. One good strategy is to think about how others have done to handle the same situation.
2. Pivot: Unable to reach the grapes, the fox does not think it is a big deal, there are just tons of other fruits available. He could just eat apples, oranges, pears, plums, you name it. Calmly leaving the grape yard, the fox decides to seek food elsewhere. Learn to pivot your goals when faced with setbacks; unexpected surprises may await there.
3. Self-Improvement: Unable to reach the grapes, the fox reflects on its inability and decides to improve himself. By exercising and enhancing his jumping abilities, he is finally able to jump and reach the grapes. Instead of avoiding failure, we should embrace it and use it as a tool for growth and self-improvement.
4. Collaboration: Unable to reach the grapes, the fox calls his friend the giraffe that there is a place with many delicious grapes and asks him to help pick them together. The giraffe happily accepts it, and they gather, and share the grapes happily. When you can’t do it yourself, you can find allies. Just keep in mind that “Two heads are better than one”.

To sum up, the four positive ways of coping with setbacks are relating to others, pivoting, self-improvement, and collaboration.

What are some other ways of coping with failure that have been effective for you? Share with us in the comments!

At last, let me end this story with one of my favorite quotes from Jon Kabat-Zinn:

You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.

Thanks for reading!