ILLUMINATION
Published in

ILLUMINATION

Cravings of a Discordant Soul

I have wandered this land for years as a hungry ghost, searching, a demon dwelling within my heart as an ancient curse; longing, aching for its next victim, for the pain as another mark of survival; another page in the Book of Love and War.

Addiction. Graphic by author. 3/22/22
Addiction. Painting by author.

I promised myself I will never love another, but when I awoke I found everything a mess; bags, sheets, piles of clothes, old food on the floor. I lift my heavy body of bricks out of the comfort of the bed and, walking toward the bathroom, clothing and items splayed and piled high, the dank smell of vomit permeating through the room. I linger by the mirror, staring at nothing but skin and bones as a reflection of all the times I have forgotten to eat. Hollow eyes that hold the pain of desires unfulfilled and within, a machine running, ready to explode. I lift my hand and turn the dial, and the force of cold pulls me under, as the machine is halted and peace falls upon my aching chest.

I continue forward, as so does everything else; dripping, oozing, limping with an arrow in my side like a wounded animal as I trail blood everywhere I go. Burning hunger rages within my gut…and anger borne of loss flows like the River Phlegethon through my veins as I write, transforming into inked words as it gushes from my bleeding heart like hot seductive gold… I will never admit love, as I am cursed forever. My desires are too much to ask for, but here are my desires; to run like a brook free of humanity, to stand at the edge of the bluffs and rip the red hot ball of Passion and Desire out from my heart and throw it in the black ocean for none to stop me.. Only the Moon to witness, as she knows my prayers well. To have peace. To breathe at last. To cry and feel and forever be fulfilled in Divine love, and never in the love of two.. for the end of each chapter bears inevitable loss…for you to make love to me until I can’t breathe… dripping in sweet heat and passion and for you to hold me all night… I would be entangled in a snare…always desiring… always wanting… never getting enough… Oh starving ghost, you will forever be my downfall, my crucifix, the arrow in my side… I am cursed…I am cursed…I am cursed…

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Sophia Shearman

Sophia Shearman

I am deeply INSPIRED to create magic through empowering, healing, and moving those who read.