To my surprise, two out of five couples met online.
Researchers say online is the most common way people meet.
Next is good old-fashioned bars and restaurants, followed by friends.
Match. Christian Mingle. Hinge.
There are over 8,000 dating app sites globally. Navigating even one app for a person with ADD or ADHD can be overwhelming. I have been my best friend Nicole’s co-pilot in her online dating journey for over ten years. Oh, and more than anything, Nicole wants to be married with a brood of little ones. She is considering starting her online dating hunt again, with a twist, before her ovaries expire (her words, not mine).
Back in the late 80s, my mother would take out a personal ad in the newspaper to find dates on a Tuesday. Then, weeks later, she would receive a stack of mail from potential suitors. We would sit on the floor on a Friday evening, judging hundreds of filter-free pictures. Only she was privy to the enclosed letters and chose who would be lucky enough to entertain her over the next few weeks. That is, if they were still single by the time she responded back. Talk about a slow process.
Fast forward to 2024. Single people can pick an online dating site, set up a profile on the treadmill at 8am, add a few of their best pictures, answer some questions, and potentially have a date that same night. Not if you are Nicole though.
Nicole’s backstory. She is 42, a homeowner, makes around $150k a year, and is easy on the eye. In college, she was diagnosed with ADD.
Her main symptoms included:
1. Ability to focus
2. Low self-esteem
3. Moody AF
4. Risky behavior
5. Daydreaming ALOT
Then in her early thirties, she was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.
Recently, Nicole and I were talking about her online dating experiences or lack thereof. Nicole has been on Plenty of Fish, Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge.
Because of her moody behavior, I tend to not ask many questions when it comes to her dating life. Towards what I thought was the end of our conversation, Nicole gave me an unexpected in.
She asked me to select or swipe right for guys I thought she should date. She hesitantly confessed that being on Bumble overwhelmed her. Swiping through pictures and inspecting suitors profiles was a nightmare, creating anxiety and exacerbating her ADD. Bumble, geared toward women, allows ladies to review men’s profiles they are matched with, then swipe one way for yes and the other way for no. After that, they can chat away. Easy breezy for most women, but not for Nicole.
Nicole’s typical pattern.
Scrolling through hundreds of hotties, her brain started spinning, and her internal voice took over.
“I want someone masculine, but pretty, but not too pretty. I want someone smart, but not too smart. How do I know if I like this guy based on a picture.”
She would eventually swipe YES for a few guys and then not follow up for days. I guess that’s a no, no. If you don’t respond in 24 hours, most guys are insulted and move on.
If Nicole did connect with a guy, a few things started to happen. First, she inspected the smallest details in his pictures at least 20 times. Nicole’s inner dialogue kicked in again, and the judgment started. She said one guy had a ring on his finger that she didn’t like. Another guy’s head was too close to his male friend’s head in a picture. Two inches caused Nicole to question his sexuality. So, these two guys were ghosted after the first conversation.
Occasionally, Nicole would make it to an in person first date, usually late because of too many clothing decisions and her inability to focus on getting ready. She would spend hours searching for the perfect outfit and then decide to wash dishes that had been piling up in her sink for days. Showing up an hour late to an irritated date, Nicole got defensive.
She went out with this one guy Josh a few times, but planning their third date, he asked where they should rendezvous (meet up); she felt intimidated and stupid. Her low self-esteem started to kick in.
I was confused. He checked all her boxes. He was masculine, but not too pretty, liked to travel, smart, and wanted to settle down.
Nicole’s Josh concerns varied.
“My travel experience is more Caribbean, while his is global. What if he uses another word like rendezvous and I don’t know the meaning. I’m not good enough for him.”
Swimming in thoughts of self-doubt, she ghosted him before the third date.
I wasn’t willing to pick her future husband and take the blame if their relationship crumbled like a sandcastle. My online dating experience was zero. I met my spouse of 20 years the old fashion way, in a bar. Although I don’t have ADD, my teenager does. Schedules, teaching him to be organized, offering support, and lots of red wine for me helped us navigate his the ADD world.
I suggested Nicole still oversee her future husband and father of her unborn children selection. I would hold her accountable, coming up with the below plan.
1. 20 minutes x 2 a week swipe YES to 20 men total.
2. 20 minutes x 2 a week respond to at least 4 men.
3. Go on one date a week.
4. Don’t analyze the pictures after you respond. (That would be the hardest for her.)
I encouraged Nicole treat dating like a fun second job. She needed to block off time for swiping and responding in her calendar and give me weekly reports. We did our due diligence, looking at popular dating sites online.
According to Statista, the top 5 online dating sites worldwide based on users are:
1. Tinder-105.81 million users
2. Badoo- 90.56 million users
3. Bumble- 28.99 million users
4. Plenty of Fish- 28.99 million users
5. Match.com 26.64 million users
Not wanting to get overwhelmed setting up a new profile, Nicole recommitted to Bumble Premium being her matchmaker for 29.99 a month.
Breaking dating down into small steps and giving definitive numbers I’m hoping the experience will be manageable and not feel like a chore.
Nicole is going to try this process for three weeks. I suggested three weeks, because two weeks just wasn’t enough time, and a month mentally can seem like forever.
Here’s to happy dating Nicole.
