Do you find it hard to make eye contact? Read this
Do you feel the anxiety building up in the center of your chest when you have to make eye contact with someone?
Do you tear up?
Do you feel the blood rushing to your face, pulsing in the arteries beneath your skin, threatening to burst out?
Though some people might find it strange, making eye contact is an incredibly hard task for some individuals. No matter how much they force themselves to look in the eye, their body works against them, causing them to look at lifeless objects ( shoes, clothes, a wall clock for support).
I faced this problem throughout my teenage years; No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t bring myself to look someone in the eye.
I thought there was something wrong with me. Maybe I was too timid, and self-conscious, or maybe I feared the other person’s judgment. The belief that the problem lay at my end led me to avoid looking at everyone.
When I used to talk to my friends, I stared at my hands; When I approached a salesperson in a shop, I kept my eyes on the item I was inquiring about. When walking on the street, I pretended to be on my phone to avoid saying hi.
But as I grew older, I realized the problem wasn’t with me: it was with my father. As I child, I never saw my father speak to me politely. He’d shout and criticize and judge, which shattered my confidence. Moreover, he’d constantly say things to me which made me feel insecure and unworthy.
My father was the real culprit. All the random people I met in stores and streets were innocuous. That day, I promised myself to never elude eye contact.
Why can’t we make eye contact?
I shared my story to highlight an important reason behind our inability to look at someone confidently.
During our formative years, the people we spend time with have a great impact on us. If our parents/ guardian/ primary caretaker is encouraging and doesn’t do anything to curb our confidence, we grow into adults with no inhibitions.
However, if these people induce the fear of judgment inside us, we end up fearing other people.
This is what my father did to me, and the sad part is that it took me a long time to realize it.
So if you find yourself stuck in a similar situation, think about the people you grew up with.
Did anyone tell you that you’re being judged?
Did someone resort to aggressiveness to make you comply?
Were your childish requests and minor misconduct countered with threats?
If yes, that person induced a fear inside you.
The second reason is natural social anxiety. Maybe you didn’t have a controlling caretaker or faced traumatic circumstances. Social anxiety is inherent and a common problem.
Again the thought process is the same:
I am in the wrong place
I am being judged
I am inferior to these people
These people are not good for me
Evading eye contact appears to be the best solution.
How to get rid of this problem.
The solution is a piecemeal process. There’s no magic pill we can swallow to build confidence.
Start with family members: try making eye contact every time you converse. Tell yourself these people intend good for you and won’t judge you. Look at yourself in the mirror more often and remind yourself that there’s nothing wrong with you.
Every time you talk to a stranger, force yourself to look them in the eye.
