Do You Hate Never Fitting In?
Dead eyes looked at my mother. The voice said coldly “You have until Sunday”. As soon as she warned my father, they left everything behind to come to a country I never fit in.
My father was a successful businessman in the beverage world. However, after the mob wanted him to pay protection money, my parents had no choice but to flee, leaving everything behind.
At least that’s how the story goes. You’ll understand why I am still skeptical about it to this day.
I was five. My sister was four. We have an age difference of a year and a half, so you’d think we will adapt in a similar way to the new country we arrived to.
My sister grew to have a lot of friends. In her teenage years, she would party and be anywhere but home, oftentimes for days on end. She is popular to this day, even holding the title of manager and having no trouble being the person in front. She recently bought an apartment and has settled in the country nicely.
I had little to no friends. In my teenage years, I was mostly closed in my own room after a good share of years of being bullied. I was never popular, and I barely have any friends left. I am happy to be in the company of my own head and my wife’s. We haven’t bought a house because we are building our escape plan to exit the country in two years’ time.
No matter how much I advanced in my career, life, and social skills, I could never imagine myself settling here. It’s as if I am a tree that grows branches but can never root itself in the ground. And as most humans, we want a place to settle in to build our lives.
The story of my sister is the happy story most of our parents wish for their children. It is why they escaped their horror in the first place. So what was so different about mine?
How can we grow up in the same house, and go to the same schools, but turn out completely different?
Children are a big million-piece puzzle that hasn’t been solved yet. Coming to this country so many years ago, my sister had her puzzle pieces fit nicely. But, somehow my mental structure, hasn’t allowed for such pieces to fall into place.
Since I was very little I wanted in my bones to never live here. You could even say it is my biggest dream in life. Because of the anonymous nature of this account, I cannot go into further details about the culture, but what I can say is that I never fit.
Ever since I was a child, going to school, high school, studies, work, I never fit. I always felt like the odd piece of a puzzle that belonged to another puzzle. I go to therapy to this day oftentimes wondering why social interactions are so tough for me when they are natural to others.
I never belonged.
At first, I thought I was wrong. Then I understood I was just me, and I am a bit different, and that’s okay. Today I realize that it might be the culture itself that defines my social interactions.
If I never fit the culture of my country, it could explain why I always had issues with social interactions. In a theory I can never test until I am truly out, I realize an interesting question.
If I find a country with a more fitting culture to my DNA, could I have easier social interactions?
The opposite answer could be no, which will solidify the fact that I am different and will never find my place, not entirely. It’s a frightening thought to have, having all the responsibility on my shoulders. But for now, all I can do is hope.
Two years from now I will be in a different country. I am excited to the roof more than I am scared. Isn’t it ironic that the son of immigrants wants to become an immigrant himself?
Only this time it is not dead eyes that decide my fate but my own internal engine.
Did you ever fit in?
In a never-ending question of my social nature you can check out:
