Do You Listen to Your Regrets?
They Might Be Your Guide to Happiness
As a junior in college, I looked at a study abroad program that would have let me spend a semester at Oxford. I decided not to apply, largely because I had just started dating a cute boy. That cute boy became my husband two years later. To this day, we are happily married. To this day, I regret not doing a semester in Oxford.
Why would I regret my decision when it made romance with the love of my life easier?
Silly Regrets
One answer is that regret isn’t a logical emotion. I am admittedly someone who hates choosing one thing because it means not choosing any of the other things. This can apply to which coffee drink I order (chai or mocha?), which restaurant I eat at (a new place or my old favorite?), and which house I choose to rent.
I suffer buyer’s remorse at a terrible rate because the decision doesn’t go away in my mind even after I have made the decision. Some of my regrets fall into this category, the category of “things I am silly about, and need to get over already.” This type of regret is not helpful. You should not listen to this type of regret.
Partial Regrets
Then there is another category of regret, usually on that applies to life course decisions.
When I look back on my life, there are some things that I would like to tell my younger self to do differently. I would probably advise myself to go to a more academically rigorous college for undergrad and to pick a more practical major.
But I don’t fully regret my undergrad choice. I met wonderful people, learned a lot about myself, adjusted to life in America, and expanded my personal horizons. I also acknowledge that the reasons I chose the college and program I did were solid ones at the time, given the information and resources I had. I knew culture shock would be bad, so I chose a small school. I needed a full-ride scholarship, so I went to the school that offered one. I was the first one in my family to enroll in and complete a four-year college degree. One year later, I had a graduate degree.
There are a number of decisions like that. I made the right decision based on the information and values I had at the time. And that’s enough to put regret to rest if I start second-guessing.
Instructive Regrets
Then there are a few things I truly regret: Not doing a study abroad. Not applying to the Peace Corps. Not challenging the system when people told me that a woman couldn’t do what I wanted. Not standing up for myself early enough in life.
It is commonly said people regret the things they didn’t do more than the things they did. I have found that to be true.
What I have also found is that almost every choice I regret was one made out of fear.
Fear of inadequacy. Fear of losing relationships. Fear of getting rejected. Fear of derision. Fear of confrontation.
Could I have studied abroad and also maintained a relationship with my boyfriend? Probably. I knew he didn’t want to do long distance, but he was head over heels smitten. It probably would have worked out. I just didn’t try.
Could I have gone on a Peace Corps assignment? I don’t know, and I never will. I self-disqualified. I looked at the requirements on the website and thought, “They probably won’t want me.” Had I been accepted, I could have done the job. I knew that too. But I didn’t ask for any exceptions or consideration. I just bowed out.
Could I have found a different denomination when my priest told me that he wouldn’t back a woman for ordination? Certainly. In fact, since then, I have. But at the time, I didn’t want to be the controversial one. Instead, I let someone else box me in.
A lot of people will advise you to live your life without regret. That is probably impossible. Regret is an emotion that occurs when we realize we made a mistake and we wish we hadn’t. It’s healthy, in limited doses.
While it’s true that you can’t change the past, it is worth taking a look at your past and seeing if there are patterns in the things you regret.
Personally, I have adopted a rule for my life: no more decisions based on vague fears and assumed expectations. Try things. Ask for exceptions. Stand up for yourself. Live boldly.
You will always make mistakes. You might have new regrets. But at least you will have tried what you wanted.
