don’t you ever beg for love
don’t you ever beg for love
because if they don’t like you for who you are
they don’t like you
if they interrupt you every time you speak
smile at their friends and ignore you
pretend as if you don’t exist
yet hold your hand and compliment your eyes
when you’re the only person they know in a crowded classroom
they don’t like you
they just don’t want to be seen as the loner
after all being nice to the outcast
beats out being the actual outcast
you don’t have to pretend you’re someone else
change who you are
skip lessons
roll your skirt
buy mascara with your mum’s credit card
just to make them like you
because they’ll never like you
if they don’t like you as you are
don’t ever think you’re not good enough
you were made that way
if you cry after every conversation with them
because you know you’re not wanted
the feeling of abandonment melting the iceberg behind your eyes into a glistening river of tears
flooding your mind
your intestines
your muscles
your skin
if you bite your tongue the moment lessons start
until it bleeds
that tinny taste of blood radiating through your crooked spine
if you pick your nails when you’re alone in your room
until they’re bright red
trying to push the pain from the pits of your heart to the tips of your fingers
because the pain of the wound on your thumb is so much more bearable than the pain of the gash in your soul
if you stay up all night
worrying
overthinking that something you said
came across as weird
not even mean
just weird
you don’t like them
you still hang on
tag along
sit quietly
stare at your shoes
even when you know you don’t belong
it’s not like you lack self awareness
you know everything
you’re not daft and dumb and stupid
you know everything
but you still hold back tears
pretend everything’s fine
pretend you never knew
why are you doing this to yourself
because you don’t want to be that girl
that wretched little creature covered in fresh bruises
sitting alone at lunch
everyone feeling sorry for her
everyone staring at her
but nobody actually talking to her
she’s like a lab rat
for everyone to examine
the adverse effects of being lonely
the name of the experiment’s called
you’ll never guess what happens next
one day she’s staring at her plastic knife
trying to cut through that dry tough piece of chicken wrist
the next day
a flurry of lip gloss and mascara plop down on her usual table
they laugh they smile they gossip
like nothing’s ever happened
you were horrified
so you chose the invisibility cloak
with your eyes closed
you try sitting with that group at the corner of the cafeteria
you thought they were nicer
turns out it’s all the same
you’re not wanted
they’re just too nice to ignore you
because they know you’re pathetic
you try switching schools
turns out it’s all the same
you don’t belong anywhere
that’s when you realise
it’s not them it’s you
and you wonder
am I ugly
am I annoying
what’s wrong with me
why am I that unlikable
why don’t I deserve love
then it hits you
they fucking bully you
for carrying your bag with two straps
you’re a fucking lost cause
you punch them in their grubby little mouths
filled with the shit they talk about every day
their breath atrocious despite having gum in their mouths 24/7
you get suspended but it’s worth it
they punch you every single day anyways
how is it fair that you get in trouble but they never do
you unfollow their asses on instagram
remove them as followers for good measure too
so much for worrying that posting book reviews made you seem weird
so much for trying to be aesthetic
trying to be them
you unroll your skirt
it hangs below your knees
fuck it who cares
you sit in every lesson
taking notes as you go
so what if you’re a miserable nerd
you throw away that tube of mascara the moment you get home
it’s been two weeks
people point and stare now
they giggle and laugh
like you’re the newest zoo exhibition after that girl
the gargoyle surrounded by the flutter of white doves
you hold your head high
the tears never come
because you don’t give a flying fuck anymore
don’t you ever beg for their love
they don’t deserve you and your smile
life’s gonna get better
life doesn’t last anyway
you’re not the lab rat in the cafeteria
wait till the day you graduate
you might find friends in the office
you might
hopefully
you might
you might not
but you still might
and you cling on
to that false hope
you dream about them reminiscing about school life in the reunions
desperately needing an escape from reality
from their acne scars because of the full faces of foundation they used to put on every single day
you lick your lips at the thought of you and your billionaire besties
with your shiny hair and glowy skin
laughing at the gaggle of monstrosities who think they’re so cool
for peaking in high school
their credit cards full of debts
their rickety desks full of unpaid bills
their rusty old doors splashed with red paint
that’s your only driving force
to trudge on with life
to not die
for now
