Duck decoys, dog walkers, and divorce, oh my!
The Boston Globe’s recent story about the Rathborne/DeNormandie divorce provides us with a glimpse into the lives of the super-wealthy. The details of their quirky but expensive lifestyle are specific and juicy. Eighty thousand dollars on dog walkers. Half a million dollars worth of duck decoys. An employee was hired to brush the dog’s teeth.
This divorce, their second, has lasted five years and cost Ms. Rathborne alone $2.7 million in legal expenses. We can only surmise that the total cost of their divorce was at least five million dollars.
Many readers may take pleasure in mocking the ultra-rich but in doing so we fail to honor the very real feelings of anguish and chaos that accompany divorce — feelings that even the richest people in the world can’t buy their way out of. It would be a mistake to assume that just because they are members of an exclusive class, Ms. Rathborne and Mr. DeNormandie didn’t go through heartache, stress, and worry like the rest of us.
As a therapist who has worked with hundreds of women navigating divorce in the Boston area. I have seen a lot of quirky cases over time. There was the man who insisted on a fair division of the jellies and jams, the couple who fought over who would pay for their kids’ oil changes, and countless others.
I know firsthand that everyone has their attachments, their special needs, the things that are hard to let go. Divorce highlights the difficulty in letting go of money and objects, but often these are also stand-ins for what is even harder to let go of — the hope that the marriage will improve, the family can remain intact, the idea that the future is sure.
I have a lot of ideas about what that five million dollars spent on divorce lawyers could have been used for instead. Five million dollars could go a long way funding mental health programs focused on supporting women trapped in relationships with violent partners. One in three women will experience some form of physical violence by an intimate partner. Many women in abusive marriages remain because they are too fearful to leave. The Domestic Violence Intervention Project reports that women are 70 times more likely to be killed in the two weeks after leaving a relationship than at any other time during it.
Unfortunately, I don’t have access to the five million dollars Ms. Rathborne and Mr. DeNormandie spent on legal fees and now, neither do they. What I do have is compassion for them both and the five million people who will get divorced in the US this year.
While being part of the ultra-wealthy class can buy you a dog walker and duck decoys galore, it can’t protect you from the pain and anguish of a divorce. The Holmes-Rahe Scale ranks the stress of divorce as second only to the death of a spouse, more stressful than jail time. More stressful than jail time!
The good news is that statistics tell us Ms. Rathborne may fare well now that the divorce is behind her. Recent studies show 75 percent of women reported having no regret over their divorce. Many women fare better after their divorces than they did in their marriages as they are especially adept at using their social connections and creative problem solving skills.
What I see in my practice is my clients using the heartbreak of their divorce as a motivation to grow, heal and transform their lives. I hope Ms. Rathborne and Mr. DeNormandie will find peace and healing too, and if either of them need some philanthropic advice, I’ve got a few ideas.
Oona Metz is a Licensed Social Worker and Certified Group Psychotherapist with offices in Brookline and Arlington, Massachusetts where she treats women navigating divorce in individual and group therapy.
