Stop Labelling These Behaviours as Empathy: They’re Increasing Emotional Distress
Fixing VS Supporting
If you identify as an empath who feels the urge to help others, this post will break your bubble:
- You can never know the exact experiences of another person.
- Your solutions are not helping.
Shocked?
It is common to believe that if we feel someone else’s pain, we know what they are going through. And we offer help.
But, in doing so, we end up displaying behaviours which are not supportive. Rather they increase the emotional distress of the one struggling.
Read on to find out what these behaviours are.
Offering Unsolicited Advice
People don’t need advice.
They need you to listen.
When someone shares their problems they aren’t looking for tips, until specifically asked. They wish to talk and express their feelings.
Giving unwanted guidance invalidates their experiences. And the focus shifts from their emotions to your solutions.
This is frustrating.
Sometimes, even before understanding the depth of their troubles, you offer suggestions which don’t align with their needs. It causes more stress. And they feel pressured to follow the advice.
As this behaviour continues, they lose trust in coming to you for their issues.
Does that mean you cannot offer support?
Well, it means supporting them by listening (without giving opinions).
Yes, sit there and hear them out.
Acknowledge their feelings. Reassure them with phrases like — “It indeed is a tough situation”, and “It must be challenging for you”.
Be present in the moment without assuming responsibility to guide them.
Comparing experiences
Their situation can be relatable. But, they aren’t exactly the same.
You may have gone through a similar incident in the past. But, everybody has a unique journey. There are always aspects that you do not understand.
When you presume you know what is happening, you project yourself as an authority in the scenario. And it makes them feel misunderstood.
Putting their experiences against yours minimises their challenges.
The discussion is hijacked into your issues and how you dealt with them. It takes away their space to be open and vulnerable.
And here’s the paradox.
You intend to make them feel included by sharing your story. But, it makes them feel isolated.
So, avoid comparing situations.
If you feel the need, ask if they would like to hear about a similar struggle you went through. And respect their response.
Good intentions aren’t enough. You must be aware of the impact your actions have.
Pushing them to open up
Respect their boundaries.
People have the right to reveal as much as they want about their lives. Do not force them to tell you the details.
Moreover, if you empathise with somebody’s situation, you won’t need too many questions.
Interrogating in a conversation where a person is vulnerable is not in good taste. It increases their anxiety and makes them feel insecure.
The shame leads to withdrawal from talking about their problems. They start hesitating to express their thoughts because of the fear of judgment and rejection.
Plus, if they didn’t have a safe space in the past, asking too many questions triggers their trauma.
Let them share at their own pace.
Honour their privacy. Give support without turning the interaction into an interview.
Trying to ‘fix’ them
People aren’t broken. They don’t need to be fixed.
Do not jump into dissecting their history and relationships because you believe they must ‘correct’ parts of them.
It undermines their agency.
Stop focussing on their flaws. It is hurtful. It forces them into believing they are not good enough and whatever is happening is their fault.
Passing statements like the following attacks their self-worth:
- You need to…
- You should try…
- Have you thought about…
Instead, ask open-ended questions. “How are you handling this?”. “Can I do something for you?”
This will foster trust and you’ll understand more about their needs.
Gaslighting their experience
“It isn’t as bad as you think.”
“You’re overreacting.”
“It’s all in your head.”
These are a few things people say without realising the damage they cause.
Making others believe their struggles are not a big deal is the worst you can do. It increases their self-doubt and makes them second-guess their feelings.
They internalise these statements and feel guilty for what they’re going through.
The best way to support others is to allow them to sit with their feelings.
Understand their emotions are coming from a valid place. They deserve to process the experience without suppressing it.
Final thoughts
Empathy is about being aware of others’ pain without making it about you.
When you try to fix a situation instead of validating others, it makes them more anxious. Recognise these behaviours and offer support without prejudices and judgments.
Acting on these insights will strengthen your bond and create a secure relationship.
So, next time, someone reaches out, approach their challenges with curiosity and respect.
Thank you for reading.
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