Endings & Beginnings
Part One: Notes From the Sunset
The call came while I was on the train to New York. My job was eliminated.
Not that this was any kind of a surprise, but the company had overspent and my CapEx projects were moved to start a year later. These are the same CapEx projects that had other work moved off my plate to ensure I had time to devote to them. Additionally, the interim work I was doing for a colleague on maternity leave had come to an end. Oddly, all of that work I was doing was work I started and handed over to her when she was promoted. All signs pointed to an ending of some sort for me.
When I would speak to my co-workers that an end was coming, each one said I was way too valuable to be let go… who would take up the cross-functional work that buried my days with the tech team, the supply chain team, the buying team. I tried to believe them, but I had a broader view of the landscape. Their appreciation for me did not go unnoticed.
I made my way into work to collect my things, with the promise that most people would be in meetings as this was the busiest day in the office. As I walked into the elevator, there was a team that was “called back” to the office from their outside appointment. One of the guys on the team had been “called back” before, and gave me a small wave to say goodbye as we walked out.
And that was it. Second time in 5 years I had been laid off. First the pandemic and now this.
There is a comfort in hearing that there are many people in the same boat as you, but only fleetingly. The next thought is wondering if there are any jobs available out there this time; there are, thank god, exhales. As the LinkedIn scroll begins, the post of promotions and new hires fills my feed. While I am happy for all of those that are moving forward and up, I cannot help but feel left behind. Reading the promotion announcements from the newly-former company especially feels like death by a million little cuts.
When everything in my being is telling me to cocoon, take a break, and restart; my head is racing. The motion of action is still wound tight from the frantic pace of the lost job. It is only a day before I am back in the city, talking to a friend about starting up my own division of his business. My head is spinning, and I hear myself being agreeable, and even excited at the prospect. But is the excitement just happy to be wanted? Is this a job I have a passion to do for the next 10 years? It takes me another 2 weeks of interviews, frantic resume writing, job searching, and reaching out to friends to realize that I need a break. I need a reset. I need to take care of myself for a minute.
The dream is to sit on a beach, read magazines, and get as much of a tan as my very pale skin could take. Unfortunately, I am not really wired like that. Pure rest for me only occurs when the work is done…. and not having a job feels like the work is not done, so the stress just follows me there.
Not surprisingly, the list-making begins. There is the daily list, then the ‘things I have wanted to do’ list, and don’t forget the ‘self-betterment’ list. Three weeks into my unemployment and I have only worked out once. That goes on the list. Eating healthier should be easier now that I am not grabbing anything to eat at my desk. That goes on the list. The house is a mess. That goes on the list. My car needs a tune-up, that goes on the list. I haven’t seen a dentist in a couple of years…. that goes on the list.
How could I be so busy that I got lost in a job, but yet the company did not worry about losing my contribution? What happened to me?
How did it get to the point that these ‘my life’ chores were not done while I worked? More importantly, how do I ensure this doesn’t happen again?
I am not sure I am going to figure this all out today, maybe not even this week. And I know I am not alone out here… this “year of re-org” has surprised so many of us. Amazing, hard-working, talented people of every age, every business sector, and every state. I have seen young adults only 2 months into their first job sent packing all the way to Presidents of companies (although those are always listed as a resignation). Send me a note on what is going on with you. What are you focusing on? How are you feeling?
I will be starting my seedlings for my garden soon. Getting my hands dirty always makes me feel calm. Can you make a living in your backyard? Would you want to?
Join me on my journey.
