Nov 22, 2022
Evolution Of Voice
Now I must leave you as you enter the world that is Fuck. You are fucking lucky to be here. It’s almost utopian.” ― Lewis Black, The F-Word
We all get older; becoming more experienced and wiser as we age (well… at least we hope); developing ourselves along the way. In that development process, we took small steps or even big ones, but still, you foraged ahead. While the speed for some was just right, for others they may have wished it would have been a lot more rapid.
If you fell into the latter group, maybe you should consider what your roadblocks were or still are. Maybe they are simple; like a career, relationship, or community. Then again, maybe it is not so simple; maybe all of these earlier stated roadblocks are really because you are your own roadblock.
For me, it is definitely and regularly that; I am my own worse enemy to my advancements and speed.
As an example, when I write, I have always tried to maintain order and presence that is less threatening, defensive, hurtful, or embarrassing for others and myself. Mostly, I have written in a cautious voice.
Majority of the pieces that I share publicly began from the voice of my true self. A very honest and open opinion for the narrative in anything I wrote. Though, as the editing process progressed, I would moderate and meet a tone that I felt would better match a more conservative audience expectation.
The internal dialogue as I edited usually sounded like this:
“You can’t swear this much.” Damn… that fucking sucks.
“Your audience wants more words than this!” Shit… I’m lazy and have a short attention span. How do others do it?
“If you want to write well, you need to write artfully.” Uhhhhh… fuck. Well, I never went to school for art and likely am just as shitty at it now as if I would have attended.
“Remember, do not offend others, at least too much, or else bad things could happen.” Well… that sure as hell freaks me the fuck out. Thanks!
The true list of my lack of self-confidence internal dialogue is pretty massive; so, I paired them down to just these four polished turds. Though, I feel that these four do a great deal in highlighting the bullshit I regularly tell myself as I edit my works.
Sidebar: I thoroughly enjoy the word four because it states a number which equally is how many letters are within the word itself. Also, I really enjoy that when I put four in this digital dictionary I am using, the Thesaurus section provides foursome as the first entry. Utter perfection; also, I’m as mature as a twelve-year-old.
Having had a moment of contemplation on these internal dialogue roadblocks of mine in a recent meditation, I have come to realize that this weighted progress is no longer necessary and must be lifted in order for me to match my expectation of growth rate.
To accomplish this, I first had to single out the cause for my internal feedback moderator who works to restrain my truer expression of self. To point a finger, it of course landed on my childhood environmental learning experiences. Welcome back to Behavioral Psychology, my psycho friends!
Beginning at age four (I see you), I would practice using the ever so delicious and versatile word — fuck — in my bedroom. A word given so generously by my mom to me and multiple others throughout each day. It definitely came as a surprise to me when one day returning from pre-school, she was bursting with anger after getting a call from my teachers that I was saying “Fuck” multiple times throughout the day in school and teaching the other kids.
Another sidebar: Fuck became a virus that spread throughout that school at aggressive pandemic levels. You are most welcome, Ms. Thorson.
What a wonderful word to first learn on my path to discovering the very delicious “Devil’s Dictionary,” as my very Christian neighbor once explained them to me.
Before we kick off into the more truer parts of this blog post, I would like to expound upon how versatile the word fuck can be.
Here, let me show you:
Noun: Stop being a fuck, ok?
Adjective: Look at that fucking thing!
Verb: Woah! Sock on the door, man! They be fucking in there!
Adverb: They fucking screwed that up.
Pronoun: Fuck/Fucker/Fuck’em
As you may tell, I do love me a swear word throw down. It just feels better… it feels like me.
Anyways, back to the true point of this post. While my internal editor has been educated by the many disciplinary mishaps I have put myself in throughout the ages of my life, I have come to the point that for me to progress any quicker I must reeducate this editor; aka — me.
First, I must stop assuming the assumptions of an audience in a general way. The audience I desire will not be a generalist audience; rather, they will be more scoped. They will be an audience where the quality of their interaction is dependent upon the quality that I put forth and hope to connect with them. Equally, their interactions with me will help guide me to their own works; helping to facilitate a more long-term supportive and sought-after life-tribe.
Additionally, the tone of my posts will need to be more in line with how I heard the initial build of the topic as presented in my mind. One where the grand total equals a more substantive experience and ending. Steering away from a more self-loathing analysis so that I may conclude with an optimistically charged ending with hints this event is soon to be.
More to the point, the evolution of me will be an evolution of my voice in my materials. Overall, I will progress faster the quicker I release the bullshit weights I have accepted throughout my life-education. While challenging, life is challenging so deal with that and move on (or, as I was told by my third-grade teacher, Ms. Madson, “Life’s a bitch; deal with it.” She was the best teacher I ever have had.)
Before closing this diatribe against the past me out, I would like to end it on a note of true confidence. One in which I use my favorite four-letter word: fuck.
Fuck the way I spoke before because it fucking sucked and it felt fucking wrong; but going forward, I plan to fuck around and do some better fucking writing. I hope you fucking enjoy it.
Boom; so refreshing.
Be well, my friends.
— MT
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