Fear is the Basis of Respect
Hello, I’m Dr. Jane. Today’s short article is about how fear forms the basis of respect. In my consultations, I’ve spoken to many different folks from various walks of life. However, one recurring theme in these consultations is disrespect.
The Struggle with Disrespect
These men grapple with feeling disrespected — disrespected by other men and by the women in their lives, if they’re fortunate enough to have any. I often respond to this complaint, as I will do now, by sharing a brief parable.
A Parable from the Hindu Tradition
This parable comes from the Hindu tradition. It goes like this: Once upon a time, a cobra lived on the outskirts of a village. This snake had bitten several people who had subsequently died, so people came to fear and avoid the snake.
One day, a monk visited the village. The cobra confided in the monk, complaining about its loneliness and how everyone was afraid of it. The monk responded, explaining that people were afraid because the snake’s bite was venomous and lethal. He advised the snake to stop biting people.
The Aftermath of the Advice
A week later, the snake returned to the monk, looking terrible. It had a black eye, its tail was bent, and someone had taken a chunk out of its side. The snake explained that it had followed the monk’s advice and stopped biting people. However, as soon as people figured out that it wasn’t going to bite them, their fear turned into anger. They ruthlessly attacked the snake, which barely escaped with its life.
The Moral of the Story
The moral of the story is this: It’s important for people to hear you hiss. If you present yourself as so meek and agreeable that you would never possibly bite anyone under any circumstances, then you’re going to end up like the snake in the second half of the story. You might become everyone’s personal whipping boy. They’ll be angry with other people but take it out on you. Why? Because they wouldn’t be so sure that the people they’re actually angry with wouldn’t retaliate.
In this way, you might end up absorbing a great deal of the pain and suffering that other people would like to inflict on others but are too afraid to do so because of potential consequences. But there apparently aren’t any consequences to treating you with anger and disrespect. For whatever reason, probably due to your own judgments about anger and aggression, you have decided that implementing consequences is just not a possible outcome of this interaction. This is part of the reason why family relationships have the potential to be the most dysfunctional relationships on the planet.
The Misconceptions about Family Relationships
People often hold two beliefs. On one hand, they believe that no matter what they do, there will always be a place for them in the family. On the other hand, they believe that no matter what another person does, they can’t turn their back on their family. Let me tell you, neither one of those beliefs is true.
The Importance of Hissing
In any case, hissing is important. This means that you are able and willing to communicate under certain circumstances that you are someone to be reckoned with. There has to be something in you that other people fear. Though we’re rather squeamish to admit it, fear is the basis of respect.
The Power to Hurt and to Do Good
We respect people who have the power to hurt us but choose not to. I’ll say that again — we respect people who have the power to hurt us but choose not to. The power to do good has the same root as the power to inflict harm, namely power. A person who cannot harm, like someone who has no capacity for harm, generally is not someone who has the power to do much good. If you can neither help nor harm someone else, then you are irrelevant at best and at the mercy of those who can at worst.
The Capacity to Harm
Now, it’s important to keep in mind that this capacity to harm doesn’t necessarily have to be physical. It can be, but it doesn’t have to be. The capacity to harm could be financial, relational, or emotional. It’s the awareness that someone has the ability to hurt us in some way that motivates more kindly and respectful action relative to someone who we feel will never retaliate against us.
The Role of Power in International Relations
This is why countries that participate in all kinds of treaties, pacts, and alliances still have armies. It’s not noble words and good intentions that keep people on their side of the fence, it’s guns. And if you don’t have guns, you’d better be able to harm others in some other way, like through their money. This is how, for example, Switzerland has managed to stay neutral and sovereign despite centuries of war being waged around it.
Leverage and Fear
So, the point is that in order to be respected by others, others must fear the consequences of their own aggression and disrespect. And this generally requires having some leverage over them. This could look like being bigger, and stronger, being smarter and more cunning, enjoying professional superiority, shaping group opinion, controlling funding sources, or possessing another person’s heart, etc. In conjunction with the willingness to lean on that leverage as appropriate.
And in general, just like an actual physical lever, the bigger the leverage, the less you actually have to lean on it to make people move. This is why Teddy Roosevelt’s motto was to speak softly and carry a big stick. If your stick is big enough, you don’t have to raise your voice, get angry, make threats, or become aggressive. And that’s because your stick will speak for you.
Fear and Respect
To receive respect, you need to communicate to others that there is something in you to be feared. This isn’t sufficient to receive respect, but without meeting this condition, respect generally doesn’t occur.
This might be why King Solomon argued that the highest wisdom was to keep God’s commandments and to live in the fear of the Lord. When people do not fear the consequences of their actions, they behave less wisely. So, even wisdom, like respect, might require appropriate fear. Eliminating it entirely may not be to our benefit.
What do you think? Does this fit with your own experience? Let me know in the comments below. As always, thank you for reading.
