Does Finding Happiness Still Matter?
And where the expletive should we look!
Geographically speaking, 2020 is an epic mess, and it’s not over yet. A killer virus has Americans by the throat. Cataclysmic fires devastate the west. And storms and earthquakes are shaking us up. Beyond U.S. shores are more quakes, fires and floods, a locust infestation, a fatal volcanic eruption, and COVID-19 on every continent but Antarctica.
Sounds like the plagues at a Passover Seder.
But that mayhem is our here and now, so I was plagued by questions that are dead serious: Would my family and friends survive the pandemic? Would New York City revive? Would the country implode over the environment, science, and politics? And why are some places so freakin’ hot?
Given these dire situations, my next queries felt selfish: What about my hopes and dreams? Would my happiness still matter in a world gone haywire?
One night, my youngest son Steve (a wise old soul) gave me permission to look inward: “You’re no good to anyone if you lose who you are.” Then he told me to shut the news and feed on something useful.
I offed the TV, but it wasn’t enough. Then I perfected my digital shopping skills, and our groceries overflowed. Next, I hit the books like I’ve done since I was little. (My mom could read my mind by the titles on my nightstand.)
This one caught my eye at the right time: Ten Steps to Finding Happy by Selene Castrovilla and Lindsay Weisner, Psy.D.
In Finding Happy, Castrovilla and Weisner present concrete actions, telling scenarios, and advice from two dozen experts under ten main steps toward finding happiness in immediate and sustainable ways.
It’s a self-helper for people adapting to social distance, creative types craving more satisfaction at the moment, empty nesters seeking new fulfilment, students making their way in the world, adults juggling work-life commitments, and anyone willing to work for more sustainable joy.
But where can we find happiness right now?
It’s hiding in the small acts that brighten a day-a walk, a song, a phone call-and residing in the bigger pursuits that shape who we are and give meaning to our lives. Happiness is out there, but obstacles like these get in the way:
Not Setting Boundaries
This was a biggie for me. I was not “setting boundaries with what I take in from the world.” I was overloaded on tragedy facts, negative social media, and toxic politics on TV.
Once I put limits on that, I began to calm down. I picked a few causes to support and allowed myself certain updates every few days. If the news set me back, I detached even longer.
Caring More for Others
“A lot of my clients feel guilty about the idea of making more time for their own self,” shares Dr Niloo Dardashti, an NYC psychologist. “The more you take care of yourself, the more you can take care of another person. And the more you give to yourself, the more you have to give to someone else.”
Skimming on self-care was an issue when my parents were frail and my kids were young, but I can still relate. The solution lies in a pre-flight video advice: first strap on your oxygen mask, then attend to others.
Feelings of Self Doubt
“Doubt is deadly because it smothers many dreams,” warns Castrovilla. “Like a pillow over your face, it silently suffocates.”
Good thing David Mahler didn’t let that happen. Following his 40th birthday, he floated all the reasons why he shouldn’t begin a new venture. “I don’t have the time.” “This new project would be too complex.” “What would people say?” “I could fail!”
But Mahler so loved the concept of an “online community where everyone could tell their story, raw and unedited,” he debated his fears logically, got more efficient in his daily life, and co-founded www.TheStoryPub.com with a friend.
Misreading Cues
Weisner stresses that physical sensations can trigger emotions that we often misread. She uses the HALT acronym-Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired to help patients better assess their feelings.
“If you can identify the problem, you can fix it before your emotions spiral out of control.”
I love this gem. I realized I wasn’t depressed or hungry after ten p.m. I actually needed to get to bed.
Not Bouncing Back
“Your ability to recover from life setbacks-both large and small is a huge component of your happiness,” explains Weisner, who uses the 7 C’s model by Dr Kenneth Ginsburg to promote greater resiliency: competence, confidence, connection, character, contribution, coping, and control.
While pandemics and natural disasters can’t be resolved quickly, how I coped with the new abnormal was something I could act on.
What Did I Do?
Little by little, I made small adjustments that inadvertently served my long-term goals: After I broke from the debilitating news on TV and social media, I called and Zoomed with positive people.
When I read the book’s advice to alter settings to elevate my spirits, I rotated my workspace. Now I see nature while seated at my desk.
And per the bit on the HALT method, I paid closer attention to my internal cues, like dips in fuel and mounting fatigue.
Two full chapters gave me license to do what I love, which is writing for children, in spite of all the tumult. And talk with Castrovilla amplified that message.
“How you spend your day is how you spend your life. The tragedy is not pursuing your passion!”
But some things stayed the same. I can usually spin jokes on Twitter to vent my stress.
Here’s one of my tweets while sheltering from COVID-19:
“My doctor recommended an antidepressant…These are the tablets I had on hand.”
Now You
In the midst of all the chaos, I believe we need even more to experience joy. Is something holding you back? In Ten Steps to Finding Happy, you can choose ways to support your unique vision of fulfilment, and I sincerely hope you do.
Share your thoughts here, tweet me @bylinetd on Twitter, or reach me at teri-daniels.com.
Originally published on the new blog at https://teri-daniels.com.
