Dear Jamie,
I’ve never been very good at existing.
People could walk over me and through me and fail
to realise that I was even there in the first place.
The first time you smiled at me through that crowd
was the first time I felt like I was visible,
made of viscera and blood rather than
ghosts of thoughts and wishes.
You made me feel solid, real.
Every smile after that has just solidified
every phantasmic vein of mine that previously only carried
phantasmic dust.
I was the velveteen rabbit and you were
my boy.
In an ideal world, your love would be enough to
keep me alive.
But this is not an ideal world and
I am not alive.
I am in limbo, Jamie, caught between
the bright light and your brighter world.
I want to move to you, to comfort you
but I can’t.
I would give up everything, do it all over again if
I could have one more day with you.
But I can’t.
If you’re reading this, then it has been 2 months
since the day I entered limbo and you need to decide whether
I stay or go.
I hope you realise the right decision is to
let me go.
You did all you could but the cosmos, in its
infinite jest did not decree my existence.
You and I were rebels, us against the universe.
We swam as far as we could but in the end
the tide caught us.
It always does.
The bright light beckons me and I know I will join it
without feeling pain.
(It’s another cruel joke of the cosmos that pain is
only for the survivors)
I want you to know that although I lived before I met you,
I was alive only with you.
You gave my existence the crutch it needed and for that,
I don’t know how I can ever thank you.
I just need two things before I leave.
I need you to pull the plug and
I need you to forgive me
for leaving so soon.
You are the only reason I tried existing at all
and you made it so addictive
that I need help letting go.
All I want is for you to go bathe yourself in
the most scarce commodity in the universe,
happiness.
I want you to do it as a final act of rebellion to the universe
from my side.
I want you to smile at my funeral,
knowing I’ll always be with you.
I want you to stop and smell flowers,
look up at the sky,
dance in the twilight and
breathe.
Do it all so well that the universe realises
that we are forces of nature too.
So promise me, Jamie.
Promise me that you’ll be happy.
Whisper these words in my ear before I leave and
confirm my existence one last time.
Find it in your heart to forgive me and
squeeze my hand before the final goodbye.
I leave you in the clutches of the universe knowing that you’ll
pledge rebellion and that
happiness finds a home in you.
Love,
Kay
